My 7yr old dd is behaving disgustingly. I'm at my wits end. Any suggestions?

[Wills]

In the last couple of weeks my dd1 has becoming selfish, stroppy, and (excuse my language) a complete bitch towards her two siblings (younger than her). My mum and I took all 3 of them to eurodisney 2 weekends ago and she was beyond awful. I can remember staring at her in disblief that she was related to me, that I could have raised such a child. Its an awful awful feeling. When we got back I set about trying to find out what the hell was wrong. I think its a mixture of jealousy of her younger sister and issues at school. So determined to get back my once delightful child I set about resolving things. DD2 has been sharing dd1's bedroom whilst we did up dd2's room. We're doing the rooms in strict order of size i.e. the smallest first so ds's was first then dd2 and next dd1. Throughout doing up dd2's room I've been discussing the sort of things we are going to do in dd1's room. We've started ordering wall stickers etc. Nevertheless I know she's still felt resentful.

Then at school she's just started a new Junior school where originally she only new 1 person. At the october Parents evening we all agreed (us and teacher) that she was popular and settling in. BUT things are now going wrong. She normally has school dinners and girl she normally sits with sits with the boys instead who don't want her (because she run's too fast in Kiss Chase for them to catch her (luckily from our perspective she's not really sexually aware yet and hasn't cottoned on that she need's to run slower and we're not about to tell her!)). So she eats dinner on her own and by the time she goes out to play her other friends are already engrossed in their own game. So for 3 days a week she's to have packed lunches. 2nd issue is that she's being bullied by the person she's partnered with in maths (so he's being moved). 3rd issue is that her teacher wont reasses her reading level and dd1 is used to being top of the class and is not that any more and is really upset. So again have spoken to the teacher who hadn't realised her upset and has agreed to review the original computer test that streamed her.

For a few days dd1 settled down but this weekend the horrible one returned. We had visitors for the weekend with a daughter who is the same age and they are/were friends. DD1 was AWFUL to her. I was mortified. Then this morning she took a painting dd2 had made for her friend and screwed it up into the bin.

What next? My gut feeling is that simply shouting at her wont do anything. She's sooo angry at everything and everyone. I really do feel complete despair.

Can you find some time to do something on your own with her, without her siblings?

It sounds as though she may be feeling a little 'overlooked' and lonely.

This won't be your fault btw, but it's an older child thing. She's also gone up to Junior school where they feel older and more grown up than siblings so begin to feel a bit distant - the bedroom decorating order may have been dwelt upon by her and she could be feeling slightly resentful of this.

If you do something special with her that celebrates her being 'grown up' she may open up to you.

Its so draining when you have one like this isnt it.
I feel for you.

My dd1 is also 7, but must be in the year below as she is still in the infants.
She has always been difficult. Less so as she gets older, but she can be very teenagery in her behaviour/stroppyness and backchat.

I think your right, no shouting etc is going to help matters. She needs to be spoken to in an adult way, a discussionas to why she felt it was ok to treat her friend at the weekend the way she did, and to screw up the painting.

I always find it helps for my dd to realise how that person must have felt, and how would she feel if someone was mean to her like she had been.

Do you have any discussion like this, in a calm adult like manner? I tend to react badly at first and talk later.

I also agree with wisteria, if you can find something to celebrate her grown-upness.

With regards to the school/friendship issues. It sounds like youve got good communication with the teacher and are aware of all the goings on. Theres not much else you can do, other than pick up all the pieces when she has been upset during the school day.

Someone once told me, that at age 7 its an insight into how they will behave as a teenager! So try to open good communication and openess with her now, it might stand you in good stead for how she will be later on in life.
Trying not to react badly to her bad behaviour but be calm and open and supportive.

Thanks to both of you. I think I need to find a time to take her to the cinema. Possibly this Friday. The problem is that we don't live near family and my dd2 wont be left easily with a babysitter. DH has a commuting hell and rarely walks in before 7.45 pm. So finding a convenient time to go out and do something is hard. However there is an hour between her going to bed and dd2's bedtime and we used to play games then. This went out of the window alittle whilst I was decorating but I had reinstated it last week.

hayCHingleBells - yep I'm a react badly and talk later too, though I agree that its not the best solution.

'react badly, talk later' PMSL - that's me!!

My eldest daughter is 14 on Friday and I still haven't got a handle on it all so good luck...

I went through something like this with my dd1 at about that age and I was worried about her so took her out for a meal (in a pub); getting into a neutral environment means you don't tend to shout. The problem with the cinema is you can't talk although she would feel even more grown up if you went for a drink/ pudding 'as adults' afterwards. What about a Saturday/Sunday night?

Wills, we had a bit of a 'lightbulb' moment this weekend - ds1 has been behaving SO badly recently - he's 6. He had SUCH a telling off yesterday, and bizarrely it seemed to work, in that he 'decided' to be good,polite,helpful etc. But it occurred to me that saying things like 'you're such a good boy, you'll want to help me with this' is much more positive than 'don't be so naughty, please behave'. And it seems to be working - he has been angelic for nearly 24 hours now! Obviously it's not that easy, but I think it's a good way of interacting to aim for.

I agree that special one to one time is good - I try and take ds1 swimming one evening a week, which is our 'special' time together.