Removing DD from presence of bullying cousin

[MsMarch]

We have a DN who is 6 and DD is 7. He has always been very physical, very loud and very demanding and I admit that we've often felt that BIL and SIL don't handle it well. They tend to shout at him, but there's no real consequences for his actions and it always feels to us like he barely understands why they're shouting and definitely doesn't care.

He has consistently shouted in DD's face, hit her, pushed her etc. Over the last few years, we've removed her from the situation, told DN off and allowed her to, for example, come and sit with us with her iPad and headphones rather than play etc.

However, Dh and I have now decided that as he's older, this behaviour is not only unacceptable but that we're teaching DD that if she gets hurt by someone, she has to put up with it because it would be awkward/embarrassing to make a scene. So we've agreed that next time it happens, if DD is crying and upset, we'll just leave and take her home. If it's at our house we will tell DN that he is not allowed to go into the same room as her.

I'm dreading it. I'm hoping it won't happen but I'm not optimistic - last time we saw them he pushed her over for no reason as we were getting ready to leave. But I really think it's the right thing for her. But I'm nervous that it will create significant family tension.

Are we doing the right thing?

I think you should warn his parents beforehand. But, other than that, I think you're right.

@DancesWithTortoises

I think you should warn his parents beforehand. But, other than that, I think you're right.

I totally get this point but that feels like we're guaranteeing family tension as opposed to only maybe having it!?

More seriously, the reason we think we should just get up and go, is that it can be seen as a specific reaction to a specific event. We have gently tried to speak to BIL and SIL in the past about DN but they don't want to hear it. Not from us, and not from nursery and not from school. I think he has a form of processing disorder and is clearly very sensory seeking. I don't know whether this is standalone or a symptom of something else.

I feel like if we say something in advance, SIL is going to take that as a threat from us. On the day, when she's in the moment and upset and embarrassed by DN's behaviour, she's more likely to be understanding.

Is your SIL actually 'upset and embarrassed by DN's behaviour'?

I too would pre-warn them: DD is reluctant to meet up because she often ends up getting hurt by your DS. We have decided that
a) if visiting you DD will stay with us so we can keep an eye
b) if you are visiting us your DS will need to stay in the room with you so DD can have free access to her room etc

Is your SIL actually 'upset and embarrassed by DN's behaviour'?

In the moment, yes. But then in denial the rest of the time. Hence hesitation about warning.

My childhood was spent being bullied by a cousin. My parents now regret not being more proactive in removing me from the situation, and my god do I wish they had too. It was less physical than your example but toxic and mean and genuinely affected my ability to make and trust friends as a child. Please please please be decisive and strong about this. Your child is completely dependent on you to protect them.

@Lion8 I'm sorry you went through that. Yes, I agree we need to protect DD. There is, of course, a line between protecting her and making it clear that she doesn't always get to be around the people she likes. But absolutely, our thinking is that if we keep sticking around when he hurts her, we're sending an absolutely unacceptable message.

To be honest, DH's extended family are all annoying me at the moment so a little distance wouldn't hurt anyway!