Sibling rivalry dreadfulness. Any hints?

[specialmagiclady]

My 2.9 yo was very sweet when DS2 born (now 7mo). Occasionally boisterously over-affectionate but generally nice.

Unfortunately, DS2 now crawling, pulling up, cruising etc and DS1 behaviour has totally changed. He hits his brother with virtually no provocation and the other day bit his nose, drawing blood.

When he is violent I have taken to giving him time out in the porch, mainly because I can't bear to look at him. But he HATES saying sorry and will only give cuddles (not a linguistic thing, he can say Triceratops, FFS!).

We also take away the object with which DS1 hits DS2.

Anyway, I'm at my wits end as I've started to really dislike my darling DS1 which is upsetting... Am on the verge of smacking him. Any hints how I can deal with this wihtout resorting to violence?

This book

And much empathy from me. It does get better when the younger one whacks back

i suffered this...... it was v extreme (and still hasn't entirely gone away even though ds1 now 10!!)
ime try giving all the attention to the victim and none to the perpetrator when he is violent to ds2.... rushing into punishment mode means ds1 gets loads of attention for this behavior.... and mad as it seems to him that attention is better than none even if it means punishment etc.
do you think you could make sure to give ds1 some special 1 to 1 time too? that could help.

there is xcellent book on sibling rivalry by adele faber(?). have a look on amazon.

lol at x posts..... the book MUST be good!

No advice but sympathy from me. I'm going through this with dd1(2.5) and dd2 (also 7m). Luckily its not too violent, mainly screaming and pushing and sometimes lying on top of dd2 (to stop her getting at stuff I suppose). It has also only got bad since dd2 got extremely mobile. In a way I can see where the older one is coming from. Not only are they sharing all mummy's time and attention but now the younger ones are getting into all their stuff and spoiling games they are playing.

Make absolutely certain that older one knows that you wll protect her stuff/games/space from little one. Make sure that dc1 has time alone with you doing stuff that dc2 can't do "because he's only a baby". Occasionally let dc1 know that you find dc2 a bit of a pain in the neck too 'Oh hang on while I sort out the baby then you and I can do something more interesting"

Don't allow actual physical violence, but don't expect empathy or affection - dc1 is only a baby too!

Try ways of keeping them physically apart sometimes (playpen?) so you don't have to keep watching dc1 like a hawk and you can relax a bit.

And hold on to the thought that it does get better - the first time dc1 says "we" and you realize that he means him and his sibling is a magical moment!

And I remember someone asking me how I would feel if my husband brought home a new wife and said"Look what I've brought you! She's a new wife for the family - we can look after her together! Won't it be fun!" [smile}

Some Good points well made. Thanks. Will get that book. Interesting about saying the baby's a bit rubbish. I had been wary of doing that in case he thought it was okay to biff him. We are supposed to play Marble Madness when the baby sleeps but somehow that always ends in tears...

Another thing - it's important to make sure that the rules apply to both of them. This takes a bit of imagination and dramatic ability - I remember when ds at about 4 months got his hand tangled in dd's hair, and I untangled it saying firmly "Now, ds, it's not nice to pull hair - it hurts. Don't do it again!" It's incredibly important that protecting the smaller, more vulnerable one doesn't look like favouritism. And I think sometimes the arrival of a new "real" baby makes us forget that the older one is still a baby too - just beacuse he can say triceratops doesn't mean he mightn't like a bottle of milk occasionally too!

Sorry - teaching my granny to suck eggs again!

If marble madness ends in tears, then try something a little less confrontational. DS1 and I used to do art We used to do it when DS2 was having his aftennoon nap. We worked side by side both doing our own pictures.

Thanks all - we're having a great week this week. Baby is enjoying new baby walker so is out of way. DS1 spent happy half hour playing play dough on his own, and even Marble Madness didn't end in tears today. And DS1 was SO good at Tesco he got 3 (count'em) rides on the Barney train outside!

My 21 month old daughter is also being a bit aggressive with my 10 week old son (sorry don't know abbreviations). Very upsetting but some good points in this thread. He seems to be spending a lot od time crying in the day at the moment so I'm not spending much quality time with my daughter which is making the situation worse. I'm going to try and spend a few hours just with her to make her special again. Hopefully that will help the situation.