Three year old hitting baby sister

[Eulalia]

I would like some advice about what to do about my son's behaviour. He is 3 years, 3 and a half months to be precise and my dd is 5 and a half months. ds was fine when dd was born and even in the early months showed some affection towards her. However in the past couple of months he has changed and at best ignores her and at worst hits her usually with a toy.

He did it this evening twice with a rattle, which obviously hurt and I went ballistic, smacking his bottom and putting him up in his room. 2nd time I took the rattle and hit him on the head with it to show it how much it hurt (maybe not a good idea?!) I feel torn in half as part of me feels guilt that I have imposed this sibling on him (does this sound crazy?) particularly as he was always (and still is) such a mummy's boy. And the other part of me feels terribly protective towards dd. Sometimes I turn my back ans she cries and I don't know it he's hurt her or not which makes discplining really difficult.

ds is also sometimes terribly whiney and follows me around the house endlessly. I know it is hard as dd always seems to be on my lap breastfeeding. I try to give ds time on his own but it always seems like a case of give him an inch and he wants a mile. I feel like I can't please anyone at the moment!

First of all ,it will get better, even though I know it dosn't feel like that now. My dds are almost 5 and 2 1/2, and whilst dd1 never hit dd2 everyone goes through some degree of this kind of thing. IMO, and I know it's easy to say this but, I would firstly go over the top on praising him when he does the smallest "good" thing particularly towards dd, and if he hits efc give him a firm NO and put him somewhere (in our house it's the bottom of the stairs) boring. If he gets off keep returning him until he/ you have calmed down enough to talk about what happened. Take the attention off him when he's "bad". Another thought, does he go to nursery? Maybe he's needing his own place/space, this worked wonders for my dd2 who was sooooo clingy and whingy. She loves it there and enjoys being Big girl in her world!
Just one more thought, when dd is sleeping try to give him as much time as you can,even just for a special cuddle and a book/video. Also I found with my dd1 showing her photos and videos of when she was tiny helped her understand I'd done the same for her too. And now she was bigger she could help Mummy to teach dd2 to be as great as she was.
Sorry to waffle on, HTH.

My sons were exactly the same as that and I felt more or less the same as you do. It is really hard - you feel like you are always taking the little ones side and never being a very good mum to either of them.

My sons are now nearly 4 and nearly 2 and, for the most part, they now get on really well. They play well together and enjoy each other a lot. Ds1 would do almost anything for ds2 and vice versa and I have seen him stand up to another bigger child who pushed ds2 around on a couple of occasions.

I found that when I had a toddler and a baby, they wanted such different things from me, one wanted feeding, the other wanted playing with, one needed his nappy changing, the other kept wanting the potty. There are bound to be conflicts. Once things evened up a bit and I had two more equal boys, all that hitting and jealousy faded. They still fight every now and then and probably always will but I can stand back a bit more now that ds2 has more of a chance.

I got really proactive with ds1 when ds2 was asleep and got activities out for us, making a big thing of us two doing something together. I also went out to a lot of groups so he could play with other children and toys and it made the relationship between ds1 and ds2 less intense. I also tried to find activities they could do together, hard when your dd is so small but it won't be long before they can join in with some of the same toys.

When the hitting actually happened I could never decide between removing ds1 from the situation, putting him in his room to calm down, or doing a 'feeling sorry for the baby' act - as then it is not him who gets the attention for the crime which is maybe what he is after. It does sound like he is wanting you more than you can offer at the mo what with feeding etc. I also tried to tell him that having a brother was a very special bond, better than a friend. Brothers look after each other etc etc.

Don't feel guilty for inflicting a sibling on him. I kept consoling myself with the thought that giving him a sibling was maybe one of the best and most important things I would ever do for him, even though the short term was hard.

I'm rambling now because I am tired but what I mean is...it does get better. I really feel for you, it can be awful.

Eulalia, I can only sympathise. This sounds like an all too familiar problem. My 2 are 2 years apart and I don't think I picked up the baby except to feed her in her first 5 months. The older one started out being quite nice, then after about three months started being really nasty towards the baby. I did the usual 'nice to baby' routine, but that seemed to make things worse as it was jealousy.

I seem to remember that this was also the time I went back to work so it was horrible. However it does get better, they are now 18 months and 3.5 and the baby fights back (which is very funny) and I get teh older one saying 'Daisy hit me', so I have to ask where she learnt to do that!!!

Seriously though it is so hard, but asking the older ones help often works, also once weaning starts it seems to get better as well.

Thanks for the advice. I think at the moment I am finding them both hard work. dd is not on solid foods yet although I am starting next week so she is feeding quite a bit, and also is at that stage where she is rolling over and getting stuck and dropping her toys etc. ds is getting to the point where he gets bored easily and wants stimulation. He goes to pre-school nursery 2 mornings, plus another two mums and toddlers groups with me and his sister and usually visits my parents the other day. Weekends we are always out for a walk. I do try to do as much as possible for him. dd doesn?t sleep a lot so I am feeling that ds isn?t getting much attention. Its funny but he was really good just a few weeks back wanting to help me bathe her, maybe I am not allowing him opportunities to do things like that? dd is also reaching that separation anxiety phase so handing her over to dh isn?t going to help either! She loves her big brother though so I am just going to have to try to get ds to play with her in a non violent way and grab opportunities alone with him (instead of doing housework for example ? when will I do that? Hmmmm!!!!)

Ah its not easy being a mum and having to juggle ....!

Sounds like you are making loads and loads of effort trying to keep your ds busy and happy.

Funny you should mention starting dd on solids, that was one of the things ds1 loved to help with. Cooking for ds2 and then helping spoon it in. Maybe you could involve him in that as much as possible in that 'you'll have to teach dd how to eat as well as you do' way we all know so well.

Eulalia,

I'm sure you are coping well in what is not an easy phase. It is hard to balance protecting the baby without alienating the elder sibling. Our ds is 3yr 5 months older than his sister. I felt I was continually telling him off for the first 6 months or so even though he was very good with her from the outset. Her arrival happened to coincide with all sorts of other changes in his life and he was somewhat confused for many months but could not express it.

Make sure you take time to praise the "grown up " activities which your ds can do to entertain himself- doing a jigsaw or looking quietly at a book whilst you feed or change. Also getting himself dressed,fetching things for you, walking nicely along the street etc etc

Are these preschool and toddler groups which he has previously been to, or are they new to him ? I do wonder if perhaps you are trying too hard to entertain him, and exhausting/frustrating yourself into the bargain. We find that ds likes to chill out at home on his own sometimes, especially now that he is in full time school and doesn't get to play with his own toys as much. I would suggest that you also try to do activities as a family, rather than just for his own benefit, otherwise you may encounter problems when she needs to do different things in her own right. This will also encourage him to involve her in his play at home.

Do bear in mind that in just a few months your docile baby will become a mobile interferer in his eyes and this will create yet more angst(broken train tracks, rockets not in the right place, torn comics...) We felt it was important that ds learnt that he had to tolerate her play from an early point but at the same time we made it clear that he would have the right to declare an exclusion zone in his bedroom and to keep his special toys safe. This has worked on the whole but she does tend to sneak into this room when he is at school !

I hope that ds thinks we have been generally fair although I'm sur far from perfect, but I have to admit that we won't tolerate him being violent to his sister, or anyone else, and as has previously been said, removal to a dull place seems to be most effective. Fortunately we have had few occasions to resort to this.

They grow up so quickly and we have found that watching their developing relationship is so fascinating (ds is now 4 1/2 and dd 13 months)Ds takes such pleasure in every milestone she marks so perhaps your dd will also become more interesting to her brother as she grows.

hth Good luck

LizS

I'm so glad that I read your messages just to prove that I am not alone. I have two ds's aged 3yrs 9mth & 13mths and am currently working full time. I totally sympathise with all your comments, as I seem to be forever telling my older son off for doing something to his younger brother.

Crunchie - you are totally right, the younger one is starting to fight back but I just hope this doesn't escalate & continue until they are in their teens! Sorry Eulalia that I couldn't offer any additional advice.

I am hoping with time that things will improve

Eulalia,

I think it will get better, but it might get worse first. Echoing what others have already said, his behaviour sounds like classic attention seeking - any attention, however negative, is better than none at all. I found this really hard to deal with, because the best course of action is to ignore it totally, which of course you can't do when the baby is in danger!

For us the worst bit came when dd started crawling. She wanted to be wherever her big brother was, and was constantly destroying train tracks etc. We ended up putting the train track in the study and making sure that only ds was allowed in there. At least he had one place she couldn't get to to destroy things.

Things really improved once she was old enough to start to be a 'bit player' in his games. She adores him, so was delighted to be playing with him, and he found he had a devoted follower. I have clear memories of both of them playing very happily together in a blanket 'tent' he had built in the living room when he was just 3 and she was 11 months. He was happy because he had someone to sit in his 'house' with him, and she was happy because she could sit in his house with him .

It's not easy balancing the needs of two of them, but it does come right some of the time, and when it does it's great.

And remember - in years to come at least your ds will have someone he can moan to about his mum and dad .

Azzie, your stories are so familiar, my ds2 will follow all sorts of instructions for games they play, just delighted to be able to play a part in what his wonderful big brother is doing and ds1 is delighted to have an accomplice. When ds1 says something like, 'Right, let's go and do some building in our bedroom now.' they both jump up and ds2 runs after him out the room.

The crawling, breaking train tracks stage is hard though. My ds2 learning to crawl coincided with ds1 playing endless games of farms with lots of little animals, fences, people etc all stood perfectly in position all over the whole floor...too too too tempting to ds2. Horrendous!

LIZS - two of the groups are the same, the pre-school nursery is new. He seems to have settled in fine to that. I've been thinking about the whole situation and have decided that I've just not been getting down to his level enough. I spent a bit of time drawing with him last night and he was much better today. Also he gets overtired and I don't always realise it and then gets crabby and unpredictable.

I've also noticed that he's much more interested in her in general, wanting to pick her up and like I said before help with bathing. I realise now I should be praising this a lot more. I like the idea of him helping with giving her solids.

I don't really feel guilty about having another baby as I know he was naughty long before she was born and I am sure lone children are naughty too. I suppose I just need to re-evaluate how to spend my time so that everyone ishappy - doing family things is a good idea too - sorry if I've not responded to everyone indivudally. Baby crying just now go to go!

Eulalia - Yeah, it will get better. My ds hit out endlessly at dd (2.5 age gap) for what seemed like forever. And while I know the standard advice is to praise the older child for grown up behaviour, I found the reverse often worked too - ds didn't want to be a big boy, he wanted to be a baby again and needed a bit of babying himself. I think some of it is actually subconscious - they revert quite easily at this age to that delicious snuggly baby stage and seeing another baby must bring it all back for them. Now my dd is turning 3 herself, I am alarmed by how much I expected ds to be a 'big boy' at this same age. Since dd doesn't have the comparison of a younger sibling, she's been allowed to stay a baby and I feel quite guilty now about what I expected of my ds. But as you said yourself, you can give out endless attention and it will never be enough to please everyone. I ran myself ragged reading and playing with ds every time dd slept and it was never enough and I was left exhausted. I suppose he might have been worse without it! But really I think it's just a situation where you have to do the best you can and wait it out and one day you reach the glorious point when they giggle and play together - and it does come sooner than you expect as younger siblings follow so much faster than first children can.
Enjoy ...

Inkpen - that is so true about older child wanting to be a baby. I sometimes think that if dd hadn't come along we'd be much further along with potty training etc. I am a little concerned that with ds being 3 1/4 now that he's not trained.

He's also started waking in the night - do they get nightmares or fears in the night at this age?
I have found it helps to spend a bit of concentrated time with him just before bed - just me and him with a story and some cuddles. The rest of the time I muddle along and already include them both. One game is jiggling dd in my arms while running across the room and ds runs after us. Totally exhausting for me but keeps them both happy!

Eulalia- I had exactly the same problem when my ds was born and ds was 2 years old. Lots of poking, scratching, shaking the pram, plus ds just didn't sleep during the day, so I spent very little time doing what he wanted to do. It's so stressful isn't it?! Anyway ds is now nearly 2 and the tables are turning. Ds is now a really sweet, caring little boy (though not a complete angel) and his sister is taking on the role of nursery menace. So i think It will come right in the end for your two. My favourite words of wisdom for bringing up kids are "everything is a phase" and its usually true. It helps me get through the crises!

Eulalia

Yes I think it is quite common for bad dreams to occur at this age. It seems that at about 3 they start to develop fears of all kinds of things, not necessarily rational. We went through a bit of an unsettled period at this age with our ds. He often still seems to dream about things that have happened during the day and these tend to focus on negative rather than positive experiences. Otherwise he is a perfectly happy chap.

hth, try not to worry,

Lizs