Good morning all,
This is my first post here. My wife and I are nearing the end of our collective wits, and we could really use some support and guidance here.
We have mono-di identical twin boys, turning 4 in July. Ages 1-3 was miraculous, seeing them grow, learn, hit milestones, and develop into who they are, really coming into their own; We are not able to afford daycare or childcare, because America, and we've been blessed to take turns raising them. My wife raised them for the first year and a half ,and then I raised them from then until 3. I just recently went back to work full-time (because Pandemic) and I really am seeing a marked difference in the boys' behavior. I guess i'm looking for some help with some coping strategies, and some concrete steps I can take to help them. I have noticed that since i've been back to work ( a big life change for them ) that they have been acting out worse because i'm not there to give them the attention that I previously had been able to lavish on them. Again, we had these problems before, but now that i'm away for a large chunk of the day, everything has been exacerbated.
Every morning I start the day with affirmations, and I make them repeat this back to me: I am Kind, I am Good, I am Nice, I help people, I am Brave, I am Strong, and if I work hard, try my best, and don’t give up, I can do anything. I finish with I am Loved, and I love you! I have been doing this for six months now, and I feel like it’s making an improvement – they at least know the rote words. I end the day with nice words, and I tell them a story at night before bed and after our routine. I try so hard to pour life and goodness into these boys, and a LOT of the time they are WONDERFUL. I can’t say enough how proud of them I am, and how amazing they can be. I know how special they are, and I praise them about 2.5 million times a day. They help with EVERYTHING (we watch Daniel tiger religiously, and I use the jingles to teach them how to handle emotions, how to help clean, how to potty, how to whatever basically) and they know them, and they sing them, and they help! Even cleaning! Until they don’t. Until they don’t want to listen. Until they want to do what THEY want to do. Until they don’t want to stop playing. Until brother does something bad, and brother B has to do the same thing (even after seeing twin A get the consequence). This has become more pronounced lately as we are approaching the big 4.
Let me give you an example of a normal day lately: Today I woke up early to cuddle the boys before work, do breakfast, clothes, and kind words. I let them help me pack my lunch, and help me make my coffee and breakfast, and then I go to leave, and we do our routine (1 Hug, 1 Kiss, 1 High Five) and they do it, and as I’m leaving, they open the door back up, run past me outside, and REFUSE to come in. I have to call mom to come mediate because I’m already running late to work (they procrastinated everything). We had to chase them down for them to come in. At 7 in the morning. This proceeds to happen all day while I’m at work- they refuse to listen, they refuse to come inside when allowed to be outside, refuse to pick up their toys, refuse to eat, refuse to follow basic ground rules. Mom and I try taking things away- they don’t care. I try taking fun trips away, and I feel as though I’m the only one suffering (I want those memories!!!). They just don’t care about punishment, rules, or listening.
EVERYTHING is a fight. Meal time- breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Bath time. Shoes on. Clothes on. Respecting Boundaries (in every facet of life; outside, inside, at the park, crossing the road, etc). The worst, however , is sleep. Sleep has been ridiculously impossible to achieve, and is probably the most frustrating, because we are EXHAUSTED (I don't think I ever knew what the word meant before being a dad of multiples). Since they were born, we tried to sleep train them both at same time (same with feeding, etc), and they have outright refused even since infancy. Now they protest sleep like the hippies in the 'nam era (even have their own No sleep chant they sing [in unison, of course, which would be much funnier if I wasn't permanently running on 3-4 hours of sleep a night]). I swear they're just missing the picket signs. Everything stems from this, I feel, because they are miserable when they're tired (who isn't? I call it being grumpy - daddy is grumpy when he’s tired, and so are you, so we need to try and relax and sleep) and it only further complicates the rest of the day. I literally meditate with them, and use light hypnosis to help them relax their body starting at their toes and working up to their head (imagination, thoughts, mind).
I give 3 warnings before time-out, but that has been trampled all over. I feel like the boys just walk all over me, and my "kind" parenting style. It breaks my heart when I have to be punitive and we have even spanked some lately. I know it's wrong, but we are at our wit's end with their behavior. I feel like everything is met with fierce and stiff resistance. MOST of the time (vast most), one of them will listen, usually Twin B. Twin A, however, will proceed to do whatever I’ve asked them not to do, looking at me the whole time to make sure I KNOW that he’s doing something he shouldn’t be. You know the song and dance, twin B then takes up the mantle and fights, too. Occasionally they will swap roles. I repeat warnings, I repeat consequences, and I make them say it back to me to be sure they understand. They are still fighting.
I know that this is normal. I know it's normal to push boundaries, to see what they are able to get away with; to have control, and feel like they have some power of autonomy of what happens during the day. I try to feed that by giving them the power of choice and ability to make decisions (even small ones - get 2 pairs shoes&socks and they pick what they want, same with clothes, same with activities -- they get to choose from what I set for them....only thing is not meals, I pick that and they eat it or don't - tough noogies). I will note that I try to do different foods, and always try to include one thing I know that they will eat. I also try to make meal time fun by having them engage in the cooking process (age-appropriate) and in the setting the table process. I try to take this hands-on approach with everything.
Please send help, the marines, airborne, tanks, everything. I feel like I’m consistently at war with them, and losing the fight. I just want to be a better parent, and husband, and raise my kids well with kindness love and compassion. I feel like I’m failing so hard lately, and could really use some positive feedback.
Love and prayers