bold two year old dd pushing my buttons.....

[madame]

Just need to rant.....my dd is being really difficult at the moment, just pushing everything, I find it so hard to not loose my temper with her. I try and explain things to her and tell her why i am saying no and she continues at times.
Tonight last straw, starts kicking me while trying to get her into sleeping bag, ask her nicely not to kick, tell her firmly the second time, end up raising my voice the 3rd time which I hate and don't feel it helps anyway...

Just find her challenging behavouir so hard and not sure if I handle it the right way as she is so srtong willed and a madame

You are not alone, my DD is 2.7 and is driving me crazy - when she doesn't want to do something she is sooo strong willed, it normally kicks off when we're trying to go out etc. Normally its because she's excited about where we're going so its a nightmare getting coats on, in the buggy etc - once we're out the door she's fine.

Just take a deep breath and if necessary leave the room. I have a few times smacked her on the bottom, which I have instantly regretted as it didn't make any difference to her behaviour and made me feel as guilty as hell.

Now I just tell her 'Mummy's leaving the room until you can get your coat on nicely' leave it for a few minutes and then say 'are you ready to do ...' and if she says yes we get on with it, sometimes she'll say 'no' at which point I just walk out and repeat!

My ds1 is the same. good to know it is not just me (nor just a 'boy' thing either!)

Am reading loads of books to try and find some helpful suggestions. if you want to know a couple of titles, let me know if you're interested.

Otherwise, no advice (nothing, and I mean nothing, is working for us at the mo).

Agree with SophieRosie, just leave the room. IME usually has them following you wanting you to help them after all.
Or remove the issue. Get her a duvet instead of a sleeping bag.

Sorry to hijack.
Oregonian, have you given up on 'how to talk'? I am still finding it effective with DS who is 4. DD who is 2 is responding well to the specific praising but not the rest of it.

I will watch this thread to see if there is any good ideas. My DS1 is 2.7 and going through a really difficult phase.

Shouting gets me no where, as do most things to be honnest.

HELP

I can have similar problems with dd who is 2.8. She is great a lot of the time but the bit of parenting that I struggle with is when she refuses to do things - kicks when I'm doing her night time nappy etc. I end up finding myself using threats to get her to behave and I really don't like taking this approach.

I have found happy face stickers useful in the past and probably ought to use them more again.

She acts up far more for DH than me, maybe becuase she doesn't see as much of him.

Not sure if that's any help but you're not alone.

hi Otherside!! Lovely to have a hijack from you...

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen... is one of the books I was recommending above.

well, it helps. but we are still having our moments!!! How is it going with you?

I'm reading The Unconditional Parent at the mo, but am not sure if it isn't a load of horsepoo (see related thread on the matter).

Pretty good here thanks Oregonian but we have our moments (like everyday at 8.15 when we have to leave the house and they both decide to go and hide.)

To respond to the OP, games work pretty well for 2 yr olds to get them to do things they don't want to. DD is pretty independent and if she messes around eg when climbing into her car seat I do 1, 2, 3 then put her in. She hates it when I do stuff for her so usually complies before 3

I have also found that my DD is so desperate to do things herself and she gets really frustrated if I do things for her so I just let her have ago and then say for her to ask me if she wants help. A few minutes with her struggling to pull a nappy up over wet legs normally gets her to handover control rather than fighting with her to get it done...

I think it does sometimes help to let them have some control and for them to realise their own limitations!

Obviously this is all ok in theory

That's true! You have all reminded me of 1 useful technique I do actually use! I offer ds1 a choice of him doing it or me doing it for him. SOmetimes this actually works!!

(and on that positive note I am off to drink some wine and chill out for a while.)

Thank you all, it's sometimes nice to just know you are not on your own. I know that all these things are phases and will pass.....

Thank you

best book i have read for this sort of thing is 'the social toddler' by helen and clie dorman. has loads of photos of situations. i use it to show dh what i'm getting at, he tends to get cross a lot. this book shows him it's all just normal and how to handle it.

OK, here's an example from this morning:

a friend of mine's mother is ill in hospital, so we agreed to go to her house to watch her little boy, who is the same age as my ds1. Ds1 very excited about this.

In the 4 minutes (or less) it took me to rush upstairs to pack a few things into a bag, he had removed all the books from the bottom of the bookcase in the living room and thrown them all over the room, including the scrabble set (tiles everywhere). When I tired to remain calm and asked him to help me tidy up, he screamed NOOOOOOO and continued to throw things. Not wanting to be late, I just got him in the car and drove in silence to friend's house (I was wishing I could have said we weren't going unless he tidied but I knew I couldn't follow through.

How do I deal with this? We are now at friend's imaculate house and he is throwing stuff all over. Can't leave.... Have tried Kohn's approach... HELP ME.

For the mess at home, I think you did the right thing just ignoring it. What did you do when you got home? I would definitely enlist his help in clearing up but looking forward rather than back, the books need to be put away before you can do an activity together or watch tv.

They are a bit young at this age for you to bring up what they did hours earlier but you still need to reinforce the clear up the mess before you move on thing.

Can you make your house any less tempting for mischeivous toddlers? We don't have any of OUR books or games within reach of 2 year olds.

For your friend's house and at home, find something he can safely throw about.

I don't think you can contain the urge but you can contain the damage.

When DS was nearly 3 he had a phase of getting all the soft toys out of the basket and throwing them around every day, several times a day.
Then we'd play game to pick them up. DD was just toddling and identifying animals so it was actually quite a fun activity for all of us in the end. But I did go through a couple of weeks before I stopped feeling irritating or having to put a huge effort into remaining calm and found a way to turn it around.
When you are soo exhausted with two under three it is hard to find the energy to deal with things in a different way. (I hadn't discovered mumsnet then)

HTH

Thanks, otherside, that is helpful and wise...
I did as you suggested and we tidied up, alebit after he had a massive tantrum first, which I just waited out. Then, I started tidying up and he started passing me the books. I guess I just need to keep some perspective on this phase, but it does wear me out so!
Thanks for helping out.

How about just telling your DC what to do? Instead of saying 'will you come and help Mummy tidy up?', try saying 'come and help Mummy tidy up'. Then you're not giving them the chance to say no.
I try it on my very wilful 18 m/o DS and it works about half the time. I think they like knowing you're in charge. (This comes from the woman who spent yesterday afternoon wearing the peg basket as a hat, after DS badgered me for ages by bashing me on the legs with it and saying 'hat, hat'!)

Me too. ds2 is 2.3 and driving me to the point of insanity. The only thing that keeps me going is that he still has a big sleep. Hooray!!!!!

One of my DT's (3 in 2 weeks), is mr independant too and we have meltdown every morning if I try and help him do anything. This results in a screaming match between the pair of us and the other DT trying his very best to be a very "GOOD boy, mummy". The technique which actually DH introduced was to give him a choice of such and such or NOTHING....this may sound harsh, but giving him a choice of two things would have him in fits. So now if I'm not in a rush anywhere he gets to do things his way, puts his shoes on, gets dressed, all with much praise and he rewards me with a beaming smile and is very co-operative. However if i need to be somewhere at a certain time, i.e. work, I prewarn him that we are in a rush, cue him getting stressed, but he digests this info and tries his hardest to hurry up - after 15 mins of trying to get the left shoe on the right foot, I offer to help, if he accepts all well and good, but if meltdown ensues he gets his choice (either mummy does it, or no one does it....) he chooses mummy, if meltdown continues he gets the three count. This actually is more to help ME keep my temper and have some sort of control of the situation, as the minute he senses i'm loosing it he ups a gear and i have no way of getting him back.

This works for biscuit choices too - he insists on opening the box, if i forget and offer him the opened box we usually get a meltdown, if he then gets a choice of mummy opening it or no biscuit, he chooses the biscuit.

HTH a teensy bit, but my sympathies as I find my DT untterly exhausting

The cooling off/going out of the room thing always helped me. (He won't see how much its annoyed you, just feel the effect of your action). Also, you could try the construction technique: 'How do we fix this?' Maybe he will like to be the person showing you how to fix it (even if it is building a tower with the books). Helped with my DS, though sometimes had to firmly explain that you can't do anything else till it's 'fixed'.

mashedpots, agree that you should say 'it's time to tidy up' rather than ask for help but believe kids can still scream no at you even when it wasn't a question.

oh they can!