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Non judgemental support for terrible twos

10 replies

mag2305 · 23/05/2021 20:27

Hi!! Until today, I'd never posted anything on mumsnet before. So as a newbie, I accidentally posted about this topic in the wrong place. Then realised that some mumsnet posters aren't particularly nice or supportive. So I thought I'd try again on a new thread.
I'm currently struggling with my two and a half year old son. He is very hyperactive and needs a lot of stimulation. Things have been difficult in the last 8 months with lockdown and that I'm pregnant. Even before this, he was always a handful but I feel like his behaviour has got worse. Lots of tantrums and defiance, and quite purposely destructive around the house. We definitely don't let him get away with things, tell him right from wrong etc but remind ourselves that of course, he is still only 2.
I commented on the other thread that I don't believe in time out at this young age. You would have thought I was the worst parent of the year with a couple of comments on that!! I was actually told that I apparently have no belief in disciplining children. Ironically, I very much do as I'm a primary school teacher!

So looking for non judgemental parents to share their stories of unruly, hazardous, wild toddlers please. I don't necessarily want advice, just support that I'm not the only one finding this stage hard. I think because I've sort of shielded through this pregnancy, I feel out of touch with other parents and my friend's children are generally nothing like my ds so I can't really talk to them.

Any stories, please share.

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ZooKeeper19 · 23/05/2021 20:51

Hello! No experience as my one is 18mo (and his sister is 1m so hands full). I hate the idea of time-out, always hated it even as a child. Never worked for me and I don't plan to use it. What works for me (at the moment) is to offer an alternative, to everything. Starting with nappy changes, walking, games, play, home, outside, eating...an alternative to anything. This helps to prevent tantrums (or lesser them).

You want to jump off the curb into the traffic (today's story)? No, but how about we jump off on the other side, into the grass. Done. You want to hit with the hammer? How about we hit the pillow and not the window. Basically it's a game of chess, with your kid. Think ahead, plan ahead.

If all else fails, lift it up. strap to the buggy and put earphones in with some relaxing music while you walk him home. Me being chilled and having things throughout my day to look forward to makes life better.

Also - snacks, more snacks, lads of sleep even if you get none make sure the kid sleeps more and more. Because adults can function on coffee, and happy well-rested baby is a very good baseline. After he is fed and rested life becomes less of a struggle for me.

Also physically make them tired, roll balls, cars, make them run, jump, carry things. I make mine carry shopping basket in Tesco, put things in and out at the counter, drag the bag with shopping home, make him take the stairs not the lift, make him push the buggy with things in it, make him push and pull, do the laundry, hover, mop the floor (I am not kidding, he does not actually "do" but he pretend plays and so he learns a valuable skill while I can drink semi-warm tea and BF the baby). /*yes he does more housework than my DH.

Hope some of these will help. Good luck :)

mag2305 · 23/05/2021 22:32

@ZooKeeper19 thank you. Lots of positive things to try and some good alternative ideas. Much appreciated.

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Jay2790 · 24/05/2021 07:05

I also disagree with time out. Great advice above. Have you got any concerns about SEN? I ask as you say your son is different from other toddlers you know. If there was anything, looking into it might provide you with some different strategies to try.

mag2305 · 24/05/2021 08:25

@Jay2790 maybe there are some SEN concerns at the back of my mind but nothing urgent. I'm quite an anxious person and was anxious during my last pregnancy with ds so part of me wonders if I've caused this hyperactivity and will it go on to be adhd one day. Time will tell I guess.

Plus there are so many other things going on for ds at the moment like my pregnancy which has changed things a lot. And lockdown, especially with my husband being at home for months spending more time with ds, then having to go back to work.

My friends toddlers are just a lot more chilled out. We went to a picnic last summer. The other children sat down to eat for a length of time. My ds ate a little bit but wanted to charge off all the time. Part of me thinks, well that's just who he is but the other part of me thinks, am I doing something wrong, is he different?!

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Jay2790 · 24/05/2021 08:49

You won't be doing anything wrong and you won't have caused anything. He might be different, but if he is that won't be because you've done anything. Does he have any other behaviours? What's his speech and understanding like? Does he need a lot of routine?

mag2305 · 24/05/2021 11:47

@Jay2790 speech and language are pretty good. The main thing at the moment is the rebellion and defiance. For example, we were doing painting this morning and he was fine for about 10 minutes then all of a sudden, he had that look in his eyes and swiped everything off the table onto the floor. He wanted eye contact with me and was smiling. I dealt with it by saying that we wouldn't be doing painting anymore (which he didn't care about) then ignored him for a couple of minutes until I'd cleared up. Didn't shout and didn't give him the eye contact he was looking for because I think he just wants a reaction. So it's that sort of thing. He's definitely pushing the boundaries.

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ZooKeeper19 · 24/05/2021 11:51

Also my 18mo has never sat still in his life, like ever. When he sits to eat, he swings his legs. He won't sit on my lap, on a chair, he won't focus on anything longer than 3 seconds. (I stand corrected, he will sit on a horse and a bike but only because it's moving).

He has a sister who is the most chilled baby and can lay and observe for 15 minutes before you realise she is there, never cries (unless hungry or tired).

What I want to say by this is that each child is different (even the ones that are 100% genetically compatible brought up in the same environment by the same people). I'd try not to worry too much, as they say smooth seas never made a good sailor so I am hoping difficult children make us better parents!

PicardsVictorianChild · 24/05/2021 18:11

Hi! I commented on your other thread as I'm in a similar boat with my DS 2.5, sorry all the tutters turned up on your other thread.
I have some concerns with SEN with mine as he struggles to concentrate and has speech delay. It's hard work!
Softplay is finally reopening around here and that was brilliant at the weekend for burning off some energy on a rainy day. This past year has been dire for socialising small children.

mag2305 · 24/05/2021 18:49

@PicardsVictorianChild thank you. Yes, they definitely were tutters. In hindsight, maybe I should have started that thread with I'm new to mumsnet, I'm very pregnant and emotional and have a difficult toddler... Please be nice! Lol But I obviously didn't pitch it quite right for some of the audience.
Yeh, the SEN thing goes through my mind too but I try to remind myself that 2 and a half is very young and to give it time.

Yes, soft play!! We're avoiding it whilst I'm pregnant but looking forward to going again soon.
I did buy a small trampoline for my ds which he seems to be making good use of and hopefully that will help to wear him out a bit at home.

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mag2305 · 24/05/2021 18:50

@ZooKeeper19 you're so right. Thank you for giving such a balanced, positive perspective.

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