Nearly 5 year old disruptive at nursery

[Liskee]

DS2 will be 5 in a couple of months. He's currently in pre-school and full time wraparound daycare. Every day at one or the other there is a list of incidents and issues associated with his behaviour. It ranges from boisterous running around, to hitting/pushing, to doing things that would be considered naughty according to the rules of the nursery, laughing and running away, not listening, not tidying up etc.

We don't really see this level of such behaviour at home. He has an older brother who's 6, but they get on reasonably well. We have boundaries set where they need to be, and in our house no means no. They have child appropriate freedoms and choices. They both have their moments, obviously and we have bad days, but not to the extent that they are telling us about at nursery.

DH is of the opinion that it's their problem. We reinforce the same messages at home as they have in nursery and talk about acceptable behaviour with him, but DH thinks his behaviour in 'their house' is ultimately their problem. Whereas I think it's all of our problem and we need to sort out how to help him.

Any suggestions for how we can help DS2 modify his behaviour and stop hurting other kids/be boisterous/learn to listen etc when he's there?

Does he get the opportunity to go outside plenty or is he stuck inside all day and expected to be quiet and calm? I only have a 2.5 year old so I'm probably not much help but I do know that my son would be climbing the walls if he was inside all day! His nursery let them spend a good portion of each day running around outside.

This is a bit of a red flag for me ITO the nursery if he's behaving so much worse there than at home. Have you tried talking to him about it? Is he definitely happy there?

When will he be starting school? Maybe he's outgrown nursery and is bored there? Was his behaviour there always like this or only recently?
Does he get very excited in a big group of children perhaps and that's why his behaviour is different at home? It sounds like a very long day for him is there any alternative? x

He might not be coping with the setting. How many children are in the wraparound daycare? Some children don't cope well in big or busy groups and find them exhausting and too challenging. Spending a long day in such a setting surrounded by unfamiliar children and adults, and with no calm quiet space to call their own, doesn't suit all children. At the extremes, "not listening", running around, etc can be a warning sign for social-communication issues.

You and your DH are both right. The preschool and daycare need to find solutions and from home you cannot "fix" his behaviour at nursery. But you both need to think about what is going on for him, why he is acting out and whether this is the right setting for him.

Thank you so much for all your messages. I do think @Tal45 has hit the nail on the head with having outgrown nursery. He is the oldest in his preschool class, and with having an older brother the games, creative play etc is slightly older than many of the children who are much younger. At that age it can make such a difference.

He's been going to this daycare since he was a year old, and is very settled. I would say his problem is over familiarity rather than being unsettled.

He's never had issues until the last year really. I definitely think increased restrictions and rules and procedures due to Covid aren't helping. The nursery have suggested he is seeking to exert some control which is why his stubborn side and the refusals are coming out.

He's also indicated he wants to grown his hair lately...out of the blue. Another sign of wanting control of something maybe?

Unfortunately our family situation and working pattern mean the childcare arrangements stay as they are. I'm hopeful starting P1 in September will have a positive impact.

In the meantime we've suggested a couple of ideas to the nursery such as giving him some increased responsibility, like a job or task that he responsible for. We've also given him a list of things he particularly likes to do. They get as much outdoor play as they can give them, but Covid restrictions mean only certain bubbles can be in the garden at certain times. Nursery are hoping that will relax over the summer.

Again, thanks for your responses. A bit of understanding from Mumsnet has helped settle my nerves a bit!