Unpopular parenting style

[Anonymous111]

Hi everyone

I have an 8 month old and I am trying to find my way as a mum a bit - I’d really appreciate anyone’s views on this.

My parenting instincts are somewhat unpopular and untrendy at the moment ie allowing the little one to grizzle / not rushing to her when she cries unless obviously distressed / encouraging her to play by herself. Because of covid we are just starting to socialise and the baby is a little more clingy and grizzly encountering new people etc so it’s perhaps a bit front of mind in how to deal with this.

I feel like I’m alone here - everyone in my mother’s group is quite responsive to their babies - rushes to them the moment they cry and I have felt a little judgement for my style ( one said: “do you often let her cry like that” and another always asking if she could possibly be hungry etc when it’s very obvious to me she wants out of her pram etc).

Is anyone with me?

Thanks

8 months is a tad young for self soothing and playing by herself! I'm not surprised people comment. I wouldn't comment as I'd never be bold enough, but I would be judging you in my head.

I think you know that this might not be the best way to go because if you thought you were truly doing the right thing you wouldn't have posted looking for people to tell you that you're right.

Sorry when I say self soothing I should be more
specific and say: I gently encourage the baby to by giving her a few minutes to grizzle (I’ll then pick her up). I contrast this to others who rush to baby’s side immediately

It's absolutely fine to let a baby grizzle when you know it's just their way of saying 'I'm fine, but marginally unhappy with this situation'. That's generally what a grizzle is. Upset/scared/hurt is a cry and that's very different.

However, in the circumstances you describe I would worry it is more than just a grizzle of discontent. I think a lockdown baby encountering baby group for the first time may be genuinely overwhelmed/unsettled. In that situation (or any new/strange situation) I would err on the side of being immediately responsive. Casual grizzling is for at home/ when you know they are fine.

Thank you that’s good advice - you are right it’s not a one size fits all situation @NuffSaidSam

I think the vast majority of parents want the best for their baby and hence channel that by doing what they genuinely feel is the ‘right thing’, which includes how they respond to grizzling or crying. Nobody has ever proven what the ‘right thing’ is. I would therefore say, as long as you can justify your parenting style to yourself, you are doing fine - you don’t owe anyone else an explanation. I say that as someone who is opposite to you. I am generally very responsive and attachment based. It doesn’t mean I am right and you are wrong though, it’s just a different interpretation. Any judgement in your mum group is unhelpful - despite my attentiveness, my child still cries (sometimes quite a lot!) x

@Anonymous111

Sorry when I say self soothing I should be more specific and say: I gently encourage the baby to by giving her a few minutes to grizzle (I’ll then pick her up). I contrast this to others who rush to baby’s side immediately

Why would you not want to sooth your 8 month old immediately? They're tiny - why do you want to leave them, what are you benefitting?!

Unless the child is in distress, I let them be.

Grumpy a bit, frustrated trying to figure something out, fell down and grazed knee/other part of themselves...all OK. It may be this (or not) but I have a feeling my LO is fairly resilient when I check the playground, but it may also be that I am just lucky. I have the 2nd one now, so I will confirm or disprove the hypothesis with her :)

Kids need "alone" time no matter how young, to figure things out. Not to be left alone in the middle of the forest but if you can see them and they are safe, a bit of alone time is a good thing.

Everyone has different parenting styles. Truly, the diversity of opinions and level of judgement and people offering 'help' and opinions etc just increases as they get older and people will want to let you know how they got their kid sleeping through, and to behave perfectly, and to join MENSA by the time they're 5 etc etc etc. So my only tip is that you are probably onto a losing battle looking for external validation of your parenting style. The only person who's validation is important is your daughter's, and if she's happy and healthy, then you're doing great.

I have 2 kids, parented them at this age completely differently (there is a small gap so the youngest I couldn't attend to his every moment as sometimes I'd physically be feeding or bathing my eldest!) and truly it hasn't made a blind bit of difference.

I've got some mates who tended on their child's every murmur who's kids grew up to be criminals, others who let their kids cry it out and their kids are delightful wonderful humans with great relationships with their parents. And vice versa! The only thing that matters at this age is love.

Emily Oster's book on parenting has great scientific info about the studies around parenting at this age too if you want any back up.

I'm sure you're doing great.

Oh and if you feel judged by the other mums, don't hang out with them. Life's too short.

Hi there,

For me, I struggled with the amount of advice one gets when you become a parent. How does someone who lives in a different environment, with different kids and adults, jobs, child-care etc understand fully how another family work? So, I share being an informed parent using evidence-based research. Scientific and psychology exploration to figure out what works for each unique family.

raising2children.com/how-to-be-an-informed-parent-with-the-help-of-dr-chris-moore/

I get mum-guilt when others ask a question which sound more like a judgement. really hard to figure out what's best!