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My 2 yr old sons behavior

17 replies

chelseadowhy · 09/05/2021 21:45

Hi everyone, just looking for advice or maybe past experiences. My 2 yr old (will be 3 in October) has always had very bad behavior issues. He's been fussy and had sleep issues since birth, crying and screaming literally ALL the time. It has only gotten worse - much much worse. He throws a minimum of 7 tantrums a day (yes I count) and they are not short tantrums but at least 15 minutes. He can't calm himself down, I have to physically remove him from the entire situation and rub his back and try and get him to chill out. He's VERY aggressive, I have 2 older daughters 7 and 5 and they are TERRIFIED of him because he's constantly hitting/biting/kicking. He's been kicked out of daycare for the same reason. He's a very picky eater too. He doesn't listen at all but I know he hears me. He destroys the house about 30 minutes after I'm done cleaning. He pees and poops all over even though he knows to use the potty, and he'll say he has to go I bring him to the bathroom and he'll get off the toilet and go on the floor even though I've tried to correct him so many times. If we raise our voices at him he runs and hides and covers his ears. We've tried so many disciplinary actions, spanking, time outs, reward systems, redirection, nothing helps. Spanking makes it worse he screams bloody murder for just a little tap. He barely sleeps at night still melatonin doesn't even help. He is screaming on and off all day our neighbors are getting mad and asking what's wrong with him. He breaks and throws things. He tries to kill our pet hamster. When I went to the bathroom once, he grabbed a chair and got onto the kitchen counter and grabbed a knife. Luckily I walked out the bathroom soon as he picked it up, who knows what could've happened! My husband can't even handle him. We are sooo exhausted!! And all his doctor says is it's because of his speech day. That's it! Does anyone have any similar situations? Any advice? Anytime? Please help

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
chelseadowhy · 09/05/2021 21:47

Bottom portion has a typo, I meant speech delay. Not sure how to edit posts!

OP posts:
november90 · 09/05/2021 23:40

Oh my goodness I am so sorry that you are having such a tricky time! You must be mentally and physically exhausted! I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but I couldn't just read and run.
How far along is he with his speech delay? Did day care not suggest any referrals to a behavioural specialist before they kicked him out?
I really hope you're ok OP!

chelseadowhy · 10/05/2021 01:15

His doctor says he only knows 25% of words hes supposed to know by this age. So pretty far behind, he starts speech therapy this week. And no the daycare did not refer him anywhere. I am, however, going to bring him into the mental health clinic by me for an assessment tomorrow. They see kids as young as one, so I hope something comes from it.

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Ticklyrain · 10/05/2021 01:47

OP this sounds hugely stressful and you are doing so well to hang in there. I think your plan to get your son assessed is a good one. A lot of the things you’ve described are common in toddlers (picky eating, toilet recusal etc) but the extremes you are describing, being excluded from nursery and the violent aspects of the defiance definitely are not. I would make sure you emphasise how extreme it all is so they can’t fob you off with ‘that’s just toddlers’. You will need to be the squeaky wheel but keep pushing as this isn’t sustainable long term. Hope it all goes well.

chelseadowhy · 10/05/2021 01:59

Thank you both so much for the kind words. It has definitely been stressful, nobody wants to be around him and it just breaks my heart!

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YarnOver · 10/05/2021 05:55

Oh goodness OP this sounds so stressful. I'm so sorry that you're both going through this and that you're not being listened to. This must be so hard.
He is very very young for a specific diagnosis of anything at this point (just because some of the diagnostic criteria for things do overlap with normal toddler behaviours ) but take a look at PDA - Pathological Demand Avoidance and see if that rings true in any way. There could be many many other things though but this one just sprang to mind.
I'm an SEND teacher of 15+ years and a Mum , but OP i say this kindest way, I know you're struggling and I understand completely that you just want this to stop, both for yourself, your child and your other children, but please don't smack your child. There's no situation, or cause for behaviour that smacking will help. I understand you want to try everything but, it will only reinforce in your son that violence is OK. I'm absolutely not judging you, because you are in such a stressful situation, but it is one thing that definately will not help.

As PPs have said you need to keep fighting to be heard. Which is awful I know because people should just listen to you ... Maybe see if you can see another Dr and just keep going until someone does listen properly. Good luck with the speech therapist and the mental health assessment... If you get nowhere with those then that's another reason for your Dr to listen to you ...

chelseadowhy · 10/05/2021 20:59

Hi everyone , it turns out he is autistic

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YarnOver · 10/05/2021 21:24

@chelseadowhy

Hi everyone , it turns out he is autistic
So glad you have answers so early on. Do look up Pathological Demand Avoidance as it is a form of Autism which sometimes gets overlooked. It may not match your son, but if some things do, it may be useful to know as it has some very specific triggers for behaviours (some of which you mentioned in your OP).
chelseadowhy · 10/05/2021 21:35

Yes he does have some of the signs of it!

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AladdinMum · 10/05/2021 23:50

I'm shocked on how your GP blamed this type of behaviour on a speech delay... your description of him sounded very concerning, I am glad that he is properly being assesed now.

CP2701 · 11/05/2021 00:02

How did it go from yesterday, the problem was a speech delay, to today, he's autistic? I'm assuming you don't have a diagnosis yet but it's likely to happen?

I agree with pp, I'm shocked at a GP not taking this behaviour more seriously. I'm glad you are getting answers now.

chelseadowhy · 11/05/2021 00:12

No I took him to a mental health clinic and he got assessed by a psychiatrist today, because I did not believe that his issues were speech related. They did a 4 hour assessment/observation. His diagnosis is autism.

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chelseadowhy · 11/05/2021 00:13

No I took him to a mental health clinic and he got assessed by a psychologist today, because I did not believe that his issues were speech related. That's just what his doctor said it was. They did a 4 hour assessment/observation. His diagnosis is autism.

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chelseadowhy · 11/05/2021 00:14

No I took him to a mental health clinic and he got assessed by a psychologist today, because I did not believe that his issues were speech related. That's just what his doctor said it was. They did a 4 hour assessment/observation. His diagnosis is autism.

OP posts:
chelseadowhy · 11/05/2021 00:15

No I took him to a mental health clinic and he got assessed by a psychologist today, because I did not believe that his issues were speech related. That's just what his doctor said it was. They did a 4 hour assessment/observation. His diagnosis is autism.

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chelseadowhy · 11/05/2021 00:16

Not sure why it posted that 4 times 😬

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Jay2790 · 18/05/2021 05:57

Have you got support in place, now that you have a diagnosis? Have they given you links/leaflets/speech and language input specific to autism? They may be able to provide some specific strategies around toileting, for instance.

Definitely try your best to avoid shouting and spanking, as this will exacerbate the issue. It can be enormously frustrating to manage an autistic child's meltdowns, but ultimately these strategies won't work. If you think about each meltdown as being like a panic attack, and how you would respond if someone shouted at you or hit you while you were having one, you can see that other approaches would work more effectively.

Visual cues to help him know what is coming next and what you expect - really simple things and simple language - as well as trying to reduce demands on him, are things that can help. He may hear you talking and not be able to listen to what you are saying and process it. He may understand, but may not be listening at that moment. If you have a visual cue in front of his eyes (a sign, a picture, an object) this might mean that you're more successful in getting the message across. Ultimately if he's not behaving it's not because he's being naughty - he can't do what you're asking.

PDA Society (UK) have lots of strategies if you think PDA is a likely profile for him.

I hope you can get a break soon - it's an unimaginably stressful situation and is so exhausting too.

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