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How do I stop feeling so crap about my daughters speech delay?

22 replies

CorpusCallosum · 08/05/2021 20:23

I'm so lucky to have a little 2yo girl who is beautiful and funny and mostly gentle and kind.

But she is speech delayed and it's killing me. Her communication is progressing, she's got lots of words which we understand or signs now and she's less frustrated which is great. I'd been so proud of her through the last year as we weren't really seeing anyone else so I just saw and celebrated her progress.

Now we're seeing people again and it's clear she's still way behind her peers. I know she'll get there. I know I need to enjoy her for who she is. I know comparison is the thief of joy and I'm just living that right now. But the hurt is real and I'm having a little cry 😢

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Tal45 · 08/05/2021 20:50

Oh bless her, she's only 2, sooooooo much time to catch up. The thing to concentrate on is the progress she is making. Perhaps make a little list of successes and put it on the fridge to remind you of her progress. But it's ok for things to hit you and feel a bit over whelmed and sad every now and then. But then have a word with yourself after you've had a little cry and pick yourself up and have fun and be a fab mum for her.

I'm assuming her hearing has been checked as that tends to be the first thing to rule out with speech delay xxx

CorpusCallosum · 08/05/2021 23:02

Thank you for replying 🙂 the list idea is a good one, great to remind myself how much she's learning all the time ❤️

Audiology was inconclusive, she had a cold & wax 🙄 but functionally I've not noticed any hearing impairment so I don't think that's the issue. She has her first speech and language appointment in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping they'll give us some insight and direction rather than my scattergun of tips off of social media approach - exhausting 😔

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MargaretThursday · 08/05/2021 23:21

She's progressing which is a great sign.

When my eldest was little I had a friend at toddlers who had a child almost exactly the same age. I had a chatterbox who was very early in language. Her dd said literally nothing at 2yo. I think she only said "mama" at 2.6yo. We lost contact at that point, and then re-met at swimming lessons when our dc were about 4yo.
You would not have been able to tell at all which child had been speaking in sentences at 18 months and which had one word at 2.6yo. Their language skills were identical. Speaking earlier has made no difference at all long term.

If you were told wax at audiology, request another check. Ds had his first set of grommets at 20months with glue ear. I would not have known that his hearing was down to 10% if we hadn't been referred due to multiple ear infections. I didn't realise how well he was compensating. Little things that ENT pointed out. He liked to be carried (so his ear was up next to my mouth). He'd pat my cheek to turn my head towards him, I thought an attention getter away from his big sisters-that was so he could lip read.... and far more.
I felt very guilty as a parent but ENT said it's very common for the parent not to notice hearing loss.

DandelionRose · 08/05/2021 23:28

The book My Toddler Talks is full of very easy to follow, common sense and clear ideas to encourage speech.

CorpusCallosum · 09/05/2021 15:15

@MargaretThursday thanks for taking the time to reply, that so reassuring! I think lots of my worries are for the future and if this will have an impact on her reading writing etc in primary school so it's great to hear stories of when they do catch up 🥰

@DandelionRose have ordered the book! Thank you 😃

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YarnOver · 09/05/2021 17:44

It's so good that you're seeing speech and language this early on. That's brilliant. There have been absolutely massive delays due to covid ( I teach in an SEND school and we have had a full year of no input - so that is for non verbal children with regular input required on their EHCP). So that you will be seeing them when your girl is so little is just fantastic at the moment. So that's something to keep hold of as a really positive thing, if you can!

Id make sure you have a list of absolutely everything you're concerned about etx that you want to ask or discuss with the therapist, so that you don't leave that appointment feeling like you've missed something.

You're doing the best you can - you've obviously noticed things early and got the appointment and stuff so that's brilliant. It seems you have some positives just that you've written down there in your post - that's she has more words and signs and she is less frustrated... So that hopefully means that she will have the capacity to learn more and moreover she WANTS to communicate with you!

of course you can have a cry and be upset... you're absolutely entitled to do that without feeling bad about it, but remember there are positives already and you're in a great position, as I said , having gotten input so early ! Good luck!

CorpusCallosum · 09/05/2021 19:15

@YarnOver thank you (love your name btw ☺️) a good idea to write everything down before the appt, I know I will forget things.

I didn't realise paediatric services had been so decimated by Covid - that makes me really sad. The kids in your school need that input.

I work in community therapies for adults with LD - I see them after they've left school/college. Unfortunately v little cross over with SLT. It's been mostly business as usual over video calls and face to face as and when - as always it depends on area doesn't it!

My background is proving unhelpful with lots of knowledge around the early signs of developmental delay but not the skills (as neither paeds nor SLT are my specialism) to do anything about it 😖

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TeenMinusTests · 09/05/2021 19:19

The book we found good was Baby Talk by Sally Ward.

LongTallSal · 09/05/2021 19:19

@CorpusCallosum
What bit of her language is delayed as such?
Has she just turned 2?
Is it that she's not talking in 2 word sentences yet as my understanding is that was only something that started to emerge by 24 months or is it something else?

LongTallSal · 09/05/2021 19:20

[quote LongTallSal]@CorpusCallosum
What bit of her language is delayed as such?
Has she just turned 2?
Is it that she's not talking in 2 word sentences yet as my understanding is that was only something that started to emerge by 24 months or is it something else? [/quote]
Sorry I ask it's just you've said she's got quite a few words and they're not expected to have a huge amount at that age anyway so was just trying to understand.

CorpusCallosum · 09/05/2021 19:52

@TeenMinusTests thanks for the recommendation 👍

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CorpusCallosum · 09/05/2021 20:00

@LongTallSal this is what I'm hoping the SLT will be able to put her finger on and give us some direction so I know I'm working on things which will be effective to support her development 🤞

When I asked for the referral more than 6m ago DD had no words, she wouldn't imitate sounds or actions, she pulled away if I tried to interact with her, poor eye contact. And this was off the back of never looking at me during feeds, turning away from mirrors etc etc etc obviously I was thinking ASD.

Now, I've worked with her loads doing ad hoc things, lockdown and a change to my working pattern allowed it and she's really come on 🥰 She imitates sounds more reliably and is starting some imaginative play - I'm really proud of the progress she's made!

But at 28mo she only had a handful of nouns, the sounds which I recognise to be meaningful words are not properly formed so wouldn't be recognised by an outsider without context - think tee-tor for tractor. She's a picky eater and routinely aspirates on drinks and sometimes food so I'm wondering if there's a mechanical issue - bottom line is I just don't know!

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Chilldonaldchill · 09/05/2021 20:53

I hope the speech therapist is able to help you.
Just for reassurance, my first child spoke early and was easy to understand.
My second child tried to speak but had almost no recognisable words (to non family members) by 3. He used to get so frustrated. He had speech therapy which confirmed no "language" problems; it was just that he couldn't articulate properly - and couldn't do the beginnings, endings or middle bit of words which made it such a nightmare for him. SALT was great but they said he would have grown out of it anyway and they were just helping him speed up. By the time he got to the end of reception he was completely understandable.
Both those children are now late teens and there's no difference between them in terms of speech, confidence, intelligence etc.

LongTallSal · 09/05/2021 21:11

@CorpusCallosum
Yes I hope you get some answers and clear guidance on practical solutions that will help . Would be great if you could come back on the thread with an update when you know more. Flowers

CorpusCallosum · 09/05/2021 21:30

That's amazing to hear @Chilldonaldchill thank you! Hero parenting from you to help your second through those tricky years and now it sounds like they're flourishing! Well done 👏

I will @LongTallSal 👍

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DandelionRose · 10/05/2021 10:12

Obviously, all DCs and reasons for speech delay are different but I think it can be helpful to share experiences as something useful might be picked out of it.

My then 2, (nearly 3) yo was speech delayed and I was very worried. He was delightful but seemed a bit blank sometimes and he just didn't chat or have many words. He did a lot of something called "echolalia", so I'd say "Would you like a drink?" and he'd say "Want drink?" as a question back to me. Or I'd say "Look, it's a big truck!" and he'd say "Big truck?" as a question. He didn't have much unique input.

I took him to two SLTs. The first was terrible, she hadn't come prepared with the right speech tests for his age group and so tested him against what she did have (3-6, when he wasn't even 3 then), needless to say he tried but failed on most of that and it made me feel worse. I didn't continue with her, obviously.

I then took him to a really good, very qualified SLT. She carefully and gently tested and analysed his speech and concluded that (in his case) he was missing a lot of verbs ie "doing" words and to focus on those so he could structure longer sentences instead of single or two words, but ultimately he would be fine (she was right). She said in his case the echolalia was because he wanted to contribute to the conversation, and he did recognise the turn-taking pattern of verbal communication, but didn't have the vocabulary to form an individual response.

The My Toddler Talks book really helped me to find ways to build on those verbs or "doing" words, so when he would say (for example) "Blocks", I'd say "That's right! We are playing with the blocks!" (or whatever) and/or "Shall we stack the blocks up? Let's stack the blocks. You are stacking the blocks!" (whilst showing him stacking). Or, he'd say Puddle and I'd say "That's right, it's a puddle! We are splashing in the puddle!" (modelling splashing). He'd say "Cup", I'd say "Yes! You are drinking milk from your cup! Shall I drink from my cup too? I am drinking from my cup!" (whilst modelling drinking). It was all about taking what they said, no matter how little, and building on it.

Also I found it reassuring to know that even an "Um" response or any kind of verbal response at all, to start with, even if it's a noise rather than a word, is still a form of verbal communication. So you might say "Can you pass me the teddy bear?" and they say "Bemf" and you say (slowly and clearly) "That's right! It's the bear! You are passing me the bear! Shall I pass you the bear? I am passing you the bear!" (modelling passing back and forth whilst also clearly enunciating the word Bear). The book recommended things like having a basic doll's house (I bought a Fisher Price one so it was toddler-friendly) so everyday activities and actions and rooms could be identified. The same with a baby doll, modelling bathing, washing, drying, sitting and words like towel, soap, hair, face, nose, eyes, fingers etc. You basically provide a running commentary using as many useful words as possible rather than just 'Thank you, that's clever!" or whatever. Say what you see all the time! As for the nouns, even if she says "tee-tor" for tractor, just say "That's right! It's a TRACTOR!" and repeat it slowly and clearly to her as many times as you can in sentences, with a relevant verb ideally.

My DS is now 8 yo, is fluent, is definitely NT (the thought had crossed my mind he might not be back at age nearly 3) and doing well in school. He's just naturally a quiet not a chatterbox type, that's just his personality, compared to his elder sister who is a chatterbox! So hang in there, take the advice of your SLT first and foremost, but in my case practicing "saying what you see" to model not only nouns but verbs too was helpful and the book was full of useful ideas too. Let us know how you get on x

LongTallSal · 12/05/2021 19:17

@DandelionRose
Just wanted to say I found your post really helpful and have been trying to build on single words like you have given the examples on and so far in the couple of days I have done it my toddler seems to be responding quite well so thanks for this.Smile

DandelionRose · 14/05/2021 09:39

That's great LongTallSal, glad it was helpful!

CorpusCallosum · 12/06/2021 22:07

Hi people who might have wanted an update. We had DDs first SLT appointment, I now want to be a peads therapist but that's a different story. We also found out she's severely shortsighted which won't have been helping matters but she has glasses now so that's great.

DD was really chatty during the appointment but therapist still confirmed she was delayed. She's asked us to work on verb vocab and given us a guide on how to do that 🙌

She also said DD has a couple of atypical speech errors: backing and initial consonant deletion so she's reviewing in 4 months to get a better speech sample.

In a good place at the mo enjoying DD and the sunshine!! ☀️

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Veebs21 · 17/06/2021 23:34

Just wanted to say how helpful I found your post - to see someone feeling the same as me - and also some of the responses too (particularly yours @DandelionRose!)

I have just signed up my almost three year old (in Sept) for private SLT as the NHS waitlist that she has been referred to is so long. I am so hopeful we can make some similar strides forward as some children mentioned here.

My little girl has so many words, she doesn’t stop talking! But a lot of it is echolalia & she’s pretty terrible at answering spontaneous questions. I can point and ask her what something is in a book or what colour something is etc and she’ll reply but if I say to her, did you have a nice time at the swings? What would you like for breakfast? She won’t reply & sometimes won’t even raise her head to acknowledge my question.

I have been trying to do exercises similarly to what Dandelion mentions, and also trying to make her make choices, just to get that conversation going, and we are seeing improvements. But similarly to you, now seeing other people more you can really tell the difference in how she communicates - even with her cousin who is almost a year younger, the back & forth conversation and understanding that when someone talks to you it requires a response, is so stark. Even our friend’s child who has much fewer words, the understanding is there... so I feel like the rest will catch up.

Of course my fears go to autism. I know I shouldn’t fear it but I do. The idea makes me feel so sad and worried for her future, as it feels so unknown. I am constantly Googling “is it autism if...”, and I’m driving myself mad. I have posted a few times here desperate for someone to say “my child had/did that and all turned out well”. I just can’t decide if it’s simply a speech delay with toddler behaviour or more, and I just wish I knew 😩

I’m trying to remember, she is who she is and she’s wonderful whatever that is. But my goodness, the tantrums that come alongside her frustration when trying to communicate sometimes, they are so so tough. And I hate that I find them so tough, while at the same time fearing that this behaviour may not be temporary...

I’ve babbled again but just wanted to send solidarity, and say it’s ok to be sad while also loving your child to pieces and wanting the very best for them. I hope SLT continues to go well, I can’t wait to get started xx

JA1518 · 13/08/2022 19:04

@CorpusCallosum Hi, hope you are doing ok. Just wondered if you had any update on how your daughter is doing now?

JA1518 · 13/08/2022 19:05

@CorpusCallosum sorry I only just saw your update from last year! Thank you. If you have anything else to update that’d be great but otherwise don’t worry, sorry I should read the full thread!

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