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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Are we normal??!!

36 replies

Nedmum · 15/11/2007 08:51

Good morning
DS is six months. I think the charitable way to describe him would be highly strung. When he is happy, he's lovely, giggly and smiley. When he's not, he screams. A lot. Loudly, like someone's ripping his limbs off. At no point in his life has he ever stopped yelling of his own accord. There is genererally no discernable reason for yelling, other than he wants picking up and hoisted round the house at my shoulder. This is not always possible. There is never any breathing space between happy and not-happy. And there is no middle ground. The other babies I know of a similar age are placid little things, gently waiting while mum gets the shopping in from the car, instead of screaming blue murder.
And he wakes up at 4am. According to the in-laws, and the HV, he should be sleeping 7pm to 7pm.
What the feck is going on?

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liger · 15/11/2007 09:06

good morning to you too,

everything sounds completely normal, its just hard work. My ds never did anything that anyone else thought he should be doing! Things got easier for me when I gave up on thinking he should be anything other than himself.

Your ds sounds like my nephew as a babe, and he is now the sort of boy that lights up a room, he has lots of energy and lots of idea's and is lovely with it. My SIL is now sure that his personality and his love of attention was the reason he was so unsettled as a babe. he wanted to be part of things all the time.

Not sure if this helps, but just to say you are doing great, keep going!

Original poster

Nedmum · 15/11/2007 09:15

What a lovely thing to say. Thank you!

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mistypeaks · 15/11/2007 09:19

Its just a strong personality!! My dd2 was the same (and still can be if i dare to leave her out!!) It's good. They are just saying I am here, I am brilliant. DO NOT ignore me!!! She is now hilarious and sweet and funny!!

mistypeaks · 15/11/2007 09:19

talktothebees · 15/11/2007 09:26

He sounds fine to me. It always amazes me that people tut-tut at demanding babies when it seems to me that it's the demanding adults that have the best lives. He's just not a people-pleaser. When he's happy he's happy and when he's not he has no fear of letting you know because he trusts you to make it all better.

Oh and next time the in-laws start, tell them all grandmas should knit and bake cakes and all grandads should have tartan slippers and an allotment. See how stupid these "all people should" statements are? And I honestly think some HVs have never met a baby. From the mother and baby groups I've been to I'd say it's 50-50 whether babies are sleeping through the night at 6mo.

If his behaviour isn't bothering you then what the feck has it to do with anyone else? How do they want him to let you know he's unhappy? Write you a polite note?

Bah! Only 9.25 and I'm muttering to myself about HVs and in-laws already .......

Original poster

Nedmum · 15/11/2007 09:33

The thing that really got me worried was when I mentioned it to the HV, thinking she was there to support me (ha! what a fool i was), she referred me to the woman who comes and videos you to see if you are abusing your baby. That knocked my confidence somewhat. I was hoping she'd tell me pretty much what you're all telling me. Note to self: HV is not your friend...

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hayCHingleBells · 15/11/2007 09:36

Sounds normal to me too.

Have you tried ignoring him for longer periods, like controlled crying?
He probobly has come to learn that when he screams he gets what he wants?

Doodledootoo · 15/11/2007 09:37

Message withdrawn

blueshoes · 15/11/2007 09:38

Nedmum, you are describing my dd and ds. I have never met any other babies like my 2 dcs.

I think of it as lightning striking me twice.

Agree about the strong personality. It is a temperament thing. They are HARD WORK as babies. I found Dr Sears on high need babies reassuring.

So funny when you say about no middle-ground. I always described my dds as going from zero to hundred in seconds (cue shrieking). When dd started to whinge, I RAN, not walked. And I could never put them down. And they barely slept.

Looking at my dd (4), she is sooooo much easier now. Still more challenging than other children her age, I think. But not by the same margin as when she was a baby compared to her peers.

Agree with Liger - dd is magnetic in her way. And very cuddly and sociable. She just knows what she wants and will stop at nothing to get it. And she does not bottle things up - what you see is what you get. The best thing is you know where you stand with her. She is not in the least sensitive or easily hurt or neurotic. Really strong sense of self.

Nedmum, it is a good thing for your ds to have his personality. Not so good for his parents

Doodledootoo · 15/11/2007 09:40

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Nedmum · 15/11/2007 09:40

We've tried leaving him to cry. My mum was a massive advocate of this, saying we shouldn't spoil him etc (70s mum). I wasn't as enthusiastic, but sometimes, out of necessity (on the loo etc) leave him to cry. I honestly think he may give himself a hernia or something, it gets worse and worse and worse until he's proper wild-eyed and panting and snorting. We've created a monster!!

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KTNoo · 15/11/2007 09:46

Hello Nedmum,

Just wanted to say your ds sounds like all 3 of mine were. I still have moments when I look at other people's passive little children and wonder "why me", but I don't worry about them being normal. Just do what you can - if he has to scream for a few minutes it won't do him any harm. By the time we had 3 someone was always waiting for something, screaming or otherwise, but I really think they're OK. It will get easier - his personality probably won't change but he'll be able to do much more to occupy himself. My dd1 started crawling around 6 months and life got so much easier as she could go and find entertainment for herself. Good Luck!

blueshoes · 15/11/2007 09:49

nedmum, gosh, you have not created a monster. Your ds is what he is.

I know the creature you describe. Any advice given by mums of normal babies (that would be 95% of parents) advice is laughable in the face of the juggernaut that your baby is.

Words like "parent like you intend to go on", "rods for your own back", "he's got you where he wants you", "manipulative", "nip in the bud", "TEACH him to play by himself" does not apply to your ds or you. Those are just words in the wind. Let it wash over you ...

It will get better for you, honest. Your ds is a great lil' fella. He is so plugged into the world, switched on, never one to fade into the background - a survivor with the heart of a lion and a nice smile to boot.

Original poster

Nedmum · 15/11/2007 10:01

Wow. Blueshoes, I've just googled Dr Sears and high-need babies. That's my son! I'm not alone! Or a crap mother! And ds will grow up to be tremendous, intelligent, sensitive bloke. Not too sure how to cope with the intervening years though

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wildfish · 15/11/2007 10:02

I can relate to the 7-7 sleeping comment. My DS used to sleep 9-6, and wake up at least once a night. Now he sleeps 8-7 or cough 9-7. But he still wakes up once a night 90% of the time where he shifts beds

But I get comments from others who are like "what, he still wakes up ? " or (used to) from parents "he wakes up so early ?"

But hey, you just gotta realise we are all different, and although I hate the "all babies are clones" attitude, you just got to let it brush over - not worth the stress. Just smile vaguely agree and then ignore

blueshoes · 15/11/2007 10:06

nedmum, your ds is on the cusp of getting better. Like KTNoo says, once he starts crawling, you will be able to put him down for periods. He will get better and better with each milestone.

Expect setbacks for teething, separation anxiety, though.

It is so worth it. Dd 4 is great company now, and so easy to take out. She sleeps like a dream as well. Think of it, at the end of it, you will have a black belt in parenting and a great relationship with your ds (most days anyway).

blueshoes · 15/11/2007 10:07

And Dr Sears had 3 easy babies before having his 4th high need one. He thought after No.3 that he has got the parenting malarky sussed. How wrong he was!

That is why don't listen to your ILs or other mothers.

HairyToe · 15/11/2007 10:10

DD1 was like this as a baby and is now a lovely bright active little girl. My 15 month old DD2 started off much more placid so I thought I was in for an easy ride... not so she was just biding her time. She too has now learnt to communicate her annoyance very loudly and hysterically to the extent she can start to gag- simply because I am choosing to selfishly cook the dinner rather than sit on the floor cuddling and playing with her.

The noise can be absolutely deafening.

Hoping that like DD1 as she gets older and more able to communicate the 'temper' will subside... or I'll need to buy some kind of industrial strength ear protectors.

Original poster

Nedmum · 15/11/2007 10:32

Thank you all for this. I have spent six months feeling worse and worse about my mothering skills, wondering if I'd made a huge mistake as I was obviously so inept. And when I mentioned it to the 'professional', was practically accused of abuse. Me and ds have now just had a teary dance round the house feeling lighter than we ever have, and he is now being 'rewarded' with banana custard. Even though the smell of bananas makes me gag. And in future, the bloody neighbours (oh yes, them too) will just have to cope with the noise of my charming if gobby baby while I wee or get dressed or whatever. Ha.

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liger · 15/11/2007 10:44

wonderful that you have found some comfort and reassurance, just remember that you are the proffessional when it comes to your ds, no one else knows him like you do.

I'm sure he is a gorgeous boy who more than deserves to enjoy his custard!

blueshoes · 15/11/2007 11:06

you're a great mum!

rony · 15/11/2007 11:31

oh this is totally my ds, also 6 months. I was beginning to worry he's hyperactive and will grow up to be diagnosed as ADHD. i'm always thinking how placid other people's babies are, while my little scamp is constantly on the go, spends most of the day whinging unless someone is actively playing with him, drives my dd mad by constantly grabbing her toys out of her hand and crawling into the middle of whatever she's doing, pulling her hair etc

He has never slept through the night, still wakes frequently. We consider 2 wakings between 7 and 6 to be a fantastic night but it happens rarely. Almost impossible to get him to nap. So completely different from my dd who was an angel baby!

But at the same time he is such a charmer, when he smiles my heart melts, he loves to have fun and is so curious and fascinated with the world around him. He takes after my dh who apparently never slept through the night until the very first day he started school at 5 years old (MIL thought he'd died!!)

so just to say you're not alone! I thought it was cos ds was a boy and all baby boys were like this - now realise it's just personality type.

just think what a great person he'll turn out to be - bet he'll have loads of friends and do loads in life!

legalalien · 15/11/2007 12:00

blueshoes - I wish that you had been around 2.5 years ago when DS was 6 months. I am off to google high-need-babies.

nedmum - - mine is still high maintenance but it is getting easier rather than harder (compare with a lot of people I know who are shocked when their DCs start getting needy / assertive a bit later in the process)

moljam · 15/11/2007 12:02

he sounds like my ds1 whos now 6.it makes life quite exciting!!my other 2 children are less highly strung and less sensitive but i love them all the same.

Troutpout · 15/11/2007 12:08

ooh sounds like ds
who was an orrible baby... but a lovely and very easy toddler.

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