What more can I do????????

[NAB3littlemonkeys]

So we have a really lovely tea, and to celebrate DS1 getting all his spellings right and DD going to a friend's for lunch for the first time without me, they have homemade ice cream and Famous Five on DVD.

Later I take the youngest up to get ready for bed and it kicks off downstairs. DD is crying, complaining about her brother. As per the book I ask them if they would like to sort it out or have Daddy tell them off.(That bit isn't the book) Later I hear DS call DD a cry baby so I call them straight up to find out why she is crying.

DD says he has pushed her, he denies it saying she did it herself, eventually saying something which is a pretty much admission. He then goes in his room and preceeds to wreck a really fab robot he has made. I tell him he won't be cross with his sister in the morning but he will be sad he has broken his robot. He won't apparently.

Daddy home and he has nothing to say and will not talk to us. I have had an asthma attack with the stress of it all and my heart is breaking for my boy.

I just can not give him anymore attention. There is no money for help or after school activites and no family to help out.

I am at a loss and, yes, I know I am a broken record but what do I have to do?

why does daddy not have anything to say? he needs to back you up and suport you? i take it homestart has been mentioned to you before?

it is crapola ,the constant fighting, so wearing , no?

I am not sure that it is a good idea to leave two children who have a history of physical disputes ALONE to sort it out.

Surely if they are supposed to try and resolve disputes at their age they should be assisted as they don't have the maturity to just invent those skills ( again, given their history).

Sorry, I mean DS has nothing to say!

DH backs me up big time.

DD sai sshe wanted to sort it out (nothing actually happened, I listened) but they did carry on okay for a while. I was upstairs getting the bath ready for the baby.

I wouldn't say they had a histiry of physicaly disputes. They push each other over a bit and occasionally the odd wallop.

Nab3 do you think that it is possible your expectations are too high? This sort of dispute happens nearly every day in our house. When DS is tired he will push DD. I know your DS is older but it seems to me that 6 is still pretty young when it comes to controlling your desire to lash out in a dispute.
As lulumama says, the disputes are wearing and I would add that it is worse when you have been having an especially pleasant time and the atmosphere spoils.
If it is any consolation, I don't think that the disputes spoil the feeling of the lovely time for the children, just for the adults.

i thikn you have to give it time, and wait for new ways of dealig with things to work

also, siblings do fight, it is the Law !

but when it is constant, it can be so awful

can you keep going with the new stratgies, but not expect change overnight>

I agree with channel. Disbutes are part of the rough and tumble of family life.
Avoid taking sides at all costs.

I remember getting scared at my elder brother's 18th birthday party because he was being so nice to me. He kept putting his arm round me and telling his friends I was his lovely, special little sis.
I asked my mum what was wrong with him.
It was the first time I had seen him drunk.

LOL channel. Thats funny.

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Thanks all. Have to go soon for school but will come back and reread again and take it all in.

I know I am doing everything wrong but a lot of it boils down to the fact that I have 3 young children, all needing different things, with nobody to help. I have no family and we can't afford help. I realise I am not the only one but it is hard.

I do think maybe I am expecting too much at times but I have never been the parent of a 6 year old before. Just nannied for one!

He has wound me up today but I stayed calm. DH took over doing DD's teeth and seemed to do them really quickly. DS1 then said can you do my teeth like you normally do, daddy. Just a quick bit of water and brush? Now I know DH does their teeth properly but in light of what I had said to him about DD's teeth, I know DS1 was trying it on.

KIDS!!!!!

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Pitchounette is right. You aren't doing everything wrong. Try to praise yourself for the things you got right and not dwell on the things that went wrong. (Only allow yourself a quick analysis to work out how to deal with the situation better the next time and then put it behind you).

Three little kids is an enormous amount of work. I was a SAHM mum to two under 4 and that was really hard. I'm now back at work part time and it is soooo restful being in the office! Even the most angry/hurried of customers will accept 'I'm on the other line right now I'll call you back just as soon as I am free'.

I don't know much about 6 year old kids but don't expect the same from your own child as from a child you nannied. Children are always worse behaved with their parents - secure in the knowledge that their parents will still love them. (Of course you know that but sounds like you need reminding today)

Are you a bit of a perfectionist Nab3?

I read the books and have taken parenting classes and i have a superb after school activity.
But that doesnt solve the constant bickering/pushing/whinging and crying. Its endless.
The books etc help me to find coping strategies and help (not entirely) solve disputes between them.

Just to add, our dancing class that dd1 goes to is £4.50 p/week is that not a possible cost you could manage? I think most clubs/classes are around the same sort of price. Or is it a case of you dont want to do it and are using the cost as an excuse??

Also, it comes in handy to threaten that she cant go if she plays up.

And, if you know that as soon as you go upstairs or out of sight things will "kick off" then tell them before you go up, what you need them to do. Be specific, no fighting, no shouting, no pushing. Tell them that if they can do it, that there will be a reward (bribery basically), i dont know a sweet or something you know they will love.

If that doesnt work, id be tempted to seperate them at times like this, i mean take one of them upstairs with you so they cant actually fight with eachother.

All good advice, thank you.

I find that when I praise the older 2 for being nice to each other or playing nicely, it tends to go wrong very soon after so I am a bit hesitant to praise as it seems to set them off.

I rarely get time to myself. On a weekend hubby will have the children so I can do the Asda shop or fun shopping but I miss time with him then.

BTW I am depressed and on meds for it.

I don't think I am a perfectionist. The PND used to make me want everything just so but standards have definitely slipped. It gets me down at times that the house is so untidy but I am in and out all day doing the 3 school runs so it is hard to get a full job done. I know it will be easier after Christmas when DD is in full time school.

I must look for some extra things to do for DS1 if not DD as well. Hubby is hoping for a payrise v soon as he is very under paid. Time seems an issue too. By the time we get home I make their tea striaight away and then they play for a bit before baths and bed. They all go to bed by 7pm.

Don't try and do too much NAB. I work while Ds mine are at school / nursery so don't get stuff done either. But I have learnt not to try and do too much after school / before bed either as thats often when trouble starts. Our house is a tip.

dd goes dancing class on a friday and a thursday some weeks too if she needs extra practice.
dd2 has only just gone full time at school and so previously i was the same as you with 3 school runs, but i still managed to take her to dance after school.
However it was more important that she got to go dancing than be in bed by 7.
Dance starts at 4.30 and finishes at 6. By the time we get home again its a quick tea and bed (usually stays up a bit later on a friday anyway). Usually getting into bed around 7.30/45. They cant have a substantial meal on these days and sometimes we get fish and chips or just warm up some soup. If im organised enough ill put some spuds in the oven before we leave so are ready when we get home.
Its not the end of the world if they are into bed later imo.

I dont have the third as you do, but i do work. I have no time for much housework (infact i was cleaning the bathrooms at 10pm last night) and like you i cant stand the mess.

Somedays my feet dont touch the ground, and i dont know if im coming or going.

Where theres a will theres a way.

Get him and or her into an activity, for your own sanity. They must be bored silly, hence the aggrivation, they have nothing else to do!
£4 p/week isnt an extravagant cost imo. Ive been skint, dp has been bankrupt, times have been very hard for us. And yes some weeks she has had to miss dance cos of no cash. But ill go without something else if it means she can go.
If it really is a case of absolutley no money, then how about a walk to the park once a week? Invite a friend home once a week? There are lots of things that dont cost anything or very little.

I get the feeling you dont want to do anything with him, or arrange anything for him. Either because you are depressed or because you dont feel like he should be offered such luxury?

Its not easy being me, running here there and back again everyday with no let up. But what can i do? sit and fester? or get on with it?

And i dont see much of my dp either. Usually he comes home and i go to work. He stays home on a sunday and i work all day. When i get home he is usually asleep.

Ive seen him for about 2hours on and off this week
But, i have no choice, i have dc who need occupying. Dps income doesnt cover everything so i have to work.

Its a busy life being a mum.

I agree with Haychee ( there's a phrase i don't often say

And something like karate can be very good for teaching restraint and self discipline

Our sons first karate class was £3.00.
My DD's ballet on a Saturday is £3.00 , again on a drop in basis. It gives them a distracrtion and an interest.
It IS difficult , especially when in the throws of depression , but if you can raise yourself it pays you back 10 fold.

we also got a dog and even if everything else in a day is crap I can make them put their shoes on to take the dog for a walk ( wouldn't recommend that if you can't bear mess but it is about looking for things that suit your kids and stop you for being responsible for their entertainment and their total happiness.

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