5.5 year olds behaviour I'm at my wits end !

[OpheliasCrayon]

My 5.5 year old just does not listen to me. She's so defiant but just doesn't seem to care. She doesn't do what she's asked to do, if she does do it it's with a massive amount of foot stamping and shouting and it's just getting draining now. When she gets annoyed she will storm off upstairs and throw things around her room.

No amount of rewards / consequences make any difference. We've tried them all - if we use a reward chart she's always been smart enough to work out she just needs to do as she's asked until she's got to the reward bit and then will kick off immediately after she's been given it. We can talk to her, discuss her behaviour (she's a clever cookie and has been put up a year in school - takes after her dad not me for sure!) but it just goes over her head and she does the same thing immediately after.
Taking things away from her also makes no odds as she just reasons it out in her head and decides it's not an issue .. ie if we took one one of her teddies for bedtime she would say 'ah it's ok I will miss teddy but I have all the others / my story books / my favourite bedding so I don't mind"
Nothing works and it's just like I'm not there for th amount that she listens to me - which is not at all!
I'm an SEN teacher and I specialise in behaviour so this is endlessly frustrating that I can work with other people's children but cannot seem to do the right thing at all with mine.

Is this normal for 5.5 year old? Is there anything I can do?? We have a 2.5 year old as well. The lack of listening and behaviour is stressing us out and making things not very enjoyable as everything is a fight and I don't know what to do!

For reference I have ADHD and my behaviour as a child was very extreme and I was kicked out of school eventually. I do not think she has it this said - I'm 99% sure. Professionally I work with many children who have it or who are being in the process of being diagnosed so I am relatively clued up about it... and she doesn't fit the criteria, but I suppose it's always a possibility as I have it.

Thanks for any help!

@OpheliasCrayon I came on this morning as I feel like iv hit a wall and as I was reading through the subjects urs stood out. I can't help you or offer solutions as I am experiencing similar things with my son who is 5.5y... And his sister 4.5y has her turn theys days too. My son just wants to the opposite thing to what I have asked or suggested etc. He and my daughter do not like to be told what to do or like that something happens differently than what they wanted. At home they want my constant attention... If i go to sit down she will suddenly need somthing or have a problem. Recently my son has just been really unpleasant towards me... He won't listen or answer me sometimes. Last night I asked him somthing and he turned himself away, putting his back to me and folded his arms and would not answer. However an hour later they both come to me and tell me they love me hug me and ask for a kiss like we are just the happiest little family. It hurts I know how good they are for everyone else... And how not one ounce of they behavous are displayed ayes with their dad. I feel beaten... And I know I can't be beaten because they still need me whether they make life really hard for what feels more of the week than not. Mum life isn't fun right now.

I really hope someone respond as I think they may help us both. I feel u if that helps

I'm not sure that anyone can really help us !! At DDs school amongst the group of mums in her class I'm pretty much the youngest and DD is my eldest - her friends are all the second kids so they have older siblings if that makes sense! Whenever I bring this up with my friends they always say that their older ones did the same and it just continues so that's not much help ! But at least I feel reassured that it's not just me . And as we seem to be having the same issue there's at least one other person on MN that is in the same boat for each of us.

I feel so stupid whenever I find myself getting bothered by it and upset because I deal with so much more extreme behaviours at work ... but I just tell myself they're not my kids so that's why it's different.

I don't think that the lockdowns have helped because it's not the norm that our 5 year olds would be spending so much time with us - I think we have got more easily annoyed because let's face it, our kids will have been bored with just us and no friends to play with for so long...

Mine are also better for my DH but to be honest not massively. I do seem to cause them to go absolutely through the roof though when they would have continued being quite calm with DH but I mean that just happens when I walk into the room so I'm literally doing nothing to provoke it.

It's so difficult isn't it @Jacs5

@OpheliasCrayon if I step back as though I was chatting to u and not my own difficulties I can confidently say that u will know they love u but ur the easy target. Ur the one they are test all bounderies with. We break and dad's don't (mostly). The minute my two misbehave like what we have both said I can be mad and send them to bed early or whatever I feel at that time is the appropriate way to get a handle on the situation I immediately start blaming myself, I think they don't like me, I I feel like I'm a failure as their mum. I think we are exhausted at keeping doing and saying the same thing over and iver. I feel I'm more like a refeeree or punch bag...but I don't think they mean it. Its just so hard because we know how others tut at 'spoiled' Kids acting up. It's embarrassing, it's exhausting and it's Hard and sometimes u just need to feel crap before u can pick urself back up. But we always do...ready for another round.

Please stop tormenting urself because you support other kids..they aren't your kids and I'm sure you see that when there parent around they switch too. Your doing great

Let's make a pact to not punch the next person who says it only gets worse...I now tell them how really unhelpful and cruel that comment ie when u already feel like u have had enough! Deal lol