Issues with my 6-year-old son - advice would be great - LONG, sorry!

[Whizzabout]

Hi all,

I have a gorgeous, energetic, confident and outgoing little boy. He's six, and when he was four, I separated from my husband. We remain friends and he has regular contact with our son - he collects him twice a week from school and has him 'til I get home from work, and every other weekend.

Our son appears happy and settled, and adores my partner who now lives with us too. He also loves his dad, and they have a strong relationship. However, his dad now lives with a new partner and her son, who's 4. They live 40 miles away and when my son goes there for the weekend, his personality changes dramatically and he goes from being a slightly mischievious little boy to a complete demon. He won't sit still, won't do as he's told, is rude and badly behaved, and my ex-husband is at the end of his tether.

I'm stuck to know what to do I've spoken to my son, and he says that he doesn't know why he's so naughty, he just can't help it. Maybe he's competing for his dad's attention from the other little boy? I've suggested that he and his dad spend more time just the two of them, which they'll do. I've also suggested that they make a list of house rules together so he knows what is expected of him when he's there. Hopefully it'll do the trick.

However, what is also bothering me is that he said this morning that he wants to see more of his dad, which is tricky as he lives so far away and can't therefore take him to school. He also said (though I don't know how much he means it) that he'd like to live with him as well as live here with me. He genuinely is happy here - he and I have a very strong bond and the atmosphere here is one of love, calm and fun, whereas he seems to get shouted at for the duration of his weekends with his dad - so why does he want to be there so much? It's hard not to take it as a form of rejection, even though I know he's just working things through in his mind, and of course, Mummys are always there, whereas Daddys are a bit more exciting. Tough though, all the same.

Any thoughts would be great, on how to improve the way he is when he's with his dad and new family over there, or even for me, on how not to take it to heart that he wants to spend more time away from me. Selfish, I know, and all I want is for him to be a happy, well-adjusted little boy, which on the whole he is.

Thanks,
A slightly frazzled Whizzabout

I would guess he's feeling insecure and worried (even if not consciously) that his dad's partner's son is somehow replacing him in his dad's affections - after all he doesn't live with his dad and this other boy does. He's probably not even aware or able to articulate those feelings, but they could be very, very strong. Also although he may know that it was you and his dad who split up, and not he and his dad, the fact is his dad is now living with a different little boy and he may not have it all very clear in his head, and be feeling subconsciously as though his dad has chosen this little boy instead of him.

Does he have his own bedroom or place in his dad's house? Feeling that he truly belongs with his dad and has a real, solid right to be there with him, might help him to feel more secure, without him actually having to spend much more time there. Insecurity and feeling like the visitor in his dad's house, which is this other little boy's full-time home, may be tied in with him wanting to spend more time with his dad - I'm sure it won't be anything to do with him wanting to spend less time with you.

It's not quite the same I know, but the worst behaviour in my five-year old is often triggered by some kind of sibling issue - it can cause a sudden lashing out - and your son's situation does sound similar (with the new partner's son as the new sibling - and a sudden new sibling with full-time access to his dad versus your son's part-time access). Personally I would go overboard (or get your ex to) on making your ds feel very secure and welcome in his dad's new house - right down to giving him (OK you can't do this but they can) his own bit of 'territory' in that house if he hasn't got one already. I would guess that overall he may not be anything like as secure as he perhaps seems on the surface and that that's the real problem here.

Excellent advice gentlemenofthepress. My mum and dad split when I was 13 and dad later lived with another woman and her 2 children who were much younger than me but the oldest was same age as my brother. He used to say to us things like "we see your dad more than you" which to me at about 14/15 as I was then was upsetting but to my 9 year old brother it was devastating. Feeling like a visitor in what should be your home is awful. Thoughtless little things used to make it worse for him ... like at Christmas, they'd both get similar presents. Like he didn't have his own identity. My brother's relationship with our dad improved when dad's relationship with this woman deteriorated and dad started spending more and more time away from their house in a little flat and therefore brother saw him there (I'd left home by this point). Step parenting is really really tough but he HAS to be able to feel at home and himself at his dad's. Agree, hard not to take it personally but suspect it is territory based and of course it's great he does want to maintain such a strong relationship with his dad. You both sound like really good parents x

Thanks both of you for the excellent advice and for the parenting wisdom.

He does have his own room at his dad's house but doesn't ever spend any time in there, as they live on a farm and he wants to be out roaming, as all grubby boys do! I've suggested to my ex that he makes our son's room more 'homely' and that may help him feel more settled.

I really do appreciate your words and I'll definitely bear those in mind. We're all working together to make him feel settled and secure, and I'm sure we'll get there.

Thanks again,
xxx

I think you sound great too I think your ds has coped extremely, amazingly well with some massive changes in his young life; no doubt he's coped so well because you've been so caring as parents of his needs. But I do think it must be almost unbearably difficult for your ds, to know that another boy is LIVING, every day, with HIS dad. His dad is tucking that boy up, eating with him, playing with him, going out on that fantastic farm with him; phew...I can only imagine how jealous he must be.

Of course you and your ex are entitled to an adult life and new partners but I think for the moment, for your ds, this is one 'change' too far. I think your ex needs to have time alone, with your ds, each time your ds goes there, in order to support him through this change. In time it could be a wonderful thing for the two boys to have each other but I think your ex will need to work really, really hard to steer your ds through this. Would he organise that time alone with ds do you think?

Also on your side of things I think just let him let off steam as much as you can - when he gets home to you - and also make it clear that if he feels angry and cross and jealous about the situation with dad, that you understand, it's ok, and it's ok to talk about it.

Good luck.

Hi there,

Thanks for the message and the advice. As I said before, it's so appreciated. And thanks for the positive feedback too - let's face it, as a parent we don't get much!

I've had a good chat to my ex this morning and he's has agreed that every time our son goes over there, he'll have some special Daddy time, just the two of them. I'm really hoping it works, as it's horrid to know that he can behave so badly when he's such a good boy really. He does love playing with the other little boy and they get on great and I'm hoping that that continues, but he does need reassurance that it's his Daddy, not the other little boy's, which I'm hoping my ex can do. We've also just agreed that every now and then, on 'my' weekend, ds can go and stay an extra night with Daddy so he sees him that little bit more.

As for how I'm dealing with it, well, as you said, with lots of reassurance, love and cuddles and we talk when he feels the need to. To be honest, he genuinely seems very happy, content and settled at home and so I'm hoping that continues. His happiness is my first concern, and I'm pretty sure I can get him through this, and can help my ex to do the same. Thank goodness for it being an amicable separation!

Thanks a million again.
x

Well, what a fantastic situation you've both created; you've suggested a way to help, your dh has understood and will act on it.

It's so heartening to read that there are parents like you out there who can genuinely prioritise the child's needs. I'm an old cynic as I used to work in a child contact centre, where all the children were in the middle of really bitter adult situations. And it's horrible to see.

Good luck to you and your ds, hope it all sorts itself very soon. I'm sure it will!

I don't have any experience of step families etc but I do have quite a lot on sibling rivalry - aimed at adult attention seeking. And it stands to reason that the other boy could easily be making your DS insecure, even more so than an actual sibling in lots of ways so his behaviour is pretty understandable. Sounds like the plans you and your ex have in place are a good start, but I would expect it to take some time before you see a noticeable improvement.

Thank you yet again, you've no idea what your words mean right now.

After being together with my dh for 15 years (we met when we were teenagers), I brought about the end of our relationship for many reasons and have been plagued with guilt ever since. While I know it was the right thing for me as an individual, it's torn me apart thinking how this could affect our beautiful child.

Luckily, so far, he's coping amazingly, and continues to do so 99% of the time. It definitely eases the guilt to see him thriving in a relatively new situation and if he is struggling a little now, at least we're all in a better position to be able to help him through.

I am lucky though, in that I can work together with my ex, and his new partner, and my new partner, to provide a stable, continuous, loving family and home for our son. Fingers crossed he'll come through this stage and move onto a more settled one soon.

Thank you again,
xxx

Thanks Bozza. It's been a few months now since the problem arose, and so I'm firmly expecting the solution to take time too.

I'll explain this to my ex, which is where the problem occurs (he's fine at home with me) and tell him to be patient.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Means a lot.