Separation Anxiety

[JustMoved123]

Hi, I’m trying to help a single mum friend who is exhausted. Problem is that the baby (5 months old) will not accept anyone else. We can manage for around an hour while she’s sleeping in the pram but then she wakes up and just screams until her Mum is there. Any advice how I can be of more use?

It's tough I know but I think you need to remember that this is how babies SHOULD be at this age. Their sole focus in life is to be connected to a person/people enough that that they will keep them safe which makes sense really as they're completely helpless. Once they are secure in this stage they will feel more able to explore the world independently when they get older. If they consistently don't get their needs met then they're more likely to be insecure and still trying to maintain that connection. My advice would be for her to offer baby contact and cuddles as much as she can cope with but obviously look after her own wellbeing and if she finds herself frustrated then make sure baby is safe and walk away for 5 minutes. I think all you can really do is be there for mum. You won't necessarily be able to take baby out but you could make mum a cuppa or some food etc whilst she has baby and like you say maybe take baby out whilst asleep. I would imagine if you are present a lot then eventually baby will become fond of you anyway and allow your input a bit more but I think til then all mum can do is meet baby's needs. This won't be forever and the more she works on security now the less problems she's likely to have in future. You can't spoil a baby with love as they say xx

Thanks @Jann86, I understand what you’re saying and maybe that’s all I can do for now, it’s just a shame she can’t enjoy being a mum as much as she should because of exhaustion. I definitely don’t want to stress baby out either.

My daughter did this (from 4-7 months, sorry!), and yes, it's incredibly draining to never get a break or any space. Will baby tolerate other people holding or playing with her as long as she can see or hear mum? If so, can you look after baby whilst mum has a hot cup of tea and does something to relax (possibly even with headphones on) nearby?

How is baby (and hence mum) sleeping? My daughter had to be touching me to stay asleep during this phase (falling asleep was fine as long as she could see me, but that obviously failed once she closed her eyes).

Hi, no she won’t go to anyone at all even sitting right next to mum. She’s not sleeping either at the moment, awake almost every hour. That’s one of the reasons I want to help as mum is getting no rest at all.

Sorry for the slow reply, this week has been a bit full-on! That's very, very hard for mum.

In the short term, the most you can do may be to offer to help with practical chores that aren't baby-friendly, so that mum can relax or sleep when baby sleeps, not rush off to cut the grass or clean the loo. Food is also a good idea. I know when my husband was away, I ate a lot of something-on-toast and jacket potato type meals, so it was a lovely little boost when a friend made a 'proper meal'. For variety, if nothing else!

For my daughter, the key to getting her to warm to you was to interact with her regularly, but very much at her pace. Smiling and making faces from a safe distance. Then playing with her on the floor, but not touching her. Then touching her but not picking her up. Then picking her up, but not taking her away from mummy. We had a friend who was brilliant at this, and she warmed to him much faster than those who kept trying to push it.

Do you know where baby is sleeping? As I said, my daughter had to be touching me to stay asleep for more than 5-10 minutes, or she woke up really upset that she had lost mummy. I tried holding her hand first (she was in a bedside cot), which worked until I moved my hand in my sleep. A health visitor eventually suggested I seriously consider co-sleeping (following all the safety advice for doing so). It wasn't my first choice for where I wanted baby to sleep, but baby did immediately sleep longer stretches – and so did I once I stopped being quite so nervous about it. That first five hour block of sleep felt amazing.

Another idea might be for mum to record herself singing a lullaby or something and play it on loop for baby when she sleeps, to try and keep her feeling safe and reassured that mum is nearby.