Today I cried at the school ( please be gentle at breaking point)

[Mammaaof]

Hi, my three year old has always had tantrums, but in the last few months, it's really got bad. It starts from the second she wakes up, any little thing will trigger her, and I'm not talking the usual tantrums, this can go on for 30/40 mins and there is absolutely no reasoning with her, I've tried ignoring, tried time out, tried taking things off her. Nothing works.
Today we were walking to pick her brother up I left at 2.40 ( this is relevant) she wanted to go into the park I explained that we had to pick up my son but if she was good on the way home we could go to the park, well if I did, que absolutely meltdown, kicking, screaming on the floor, I had to physically pick her up, finally got to the school, everyone was looking, some parent tried to help me as at this point she kicking so hard and she was like dead weight, but she was kicking the parent who tried to help, my LG was trying to run everywhere. I finally managed to get into the school yard where her teacher ( shes part time in the mornings) heard and saw her kicking off and came over my little girl wouldn't stop kicking and screaming. At this point it was 3.20 and I was 10 minutes late picking up my son. I was in such a mess, I was crying. The teacher said to come in for a chat in the morning. I just feel like a complete and utter failure, everyone was looking at me as if I couldn't control my child. I've broken down on and off all night. People I've talked to have just said it's just the terrible threes it's just a phase but I just can't see how it is, her tantrums are so frequent and so so over the top. She doesn't listen to a word anyone says.
I am a qualified nursery nurse and I have never met a child like her before, it's really breaking my heart. I want to do lovely things with her but I can't deal with the constant tantrums so end up just staying in . My 7 year old is missing out as she gets all my attention 24/7. She has only just gone to sleep after coming up and down constantly since 7pm. I just don't know what to do im broken 😢😢😢

Sorry I should have said these out breaks last 30/40 mins each come, I just feel ready to leave and never come back 😢

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I bet you're shattered.
There is a great book that explains stress behaviours and what we can do to help children calm down
raising2children.com/book-review-on-help-your-child-deal-with-stress-and-thrive/

Remember we as adults have learnt to deal with situations and our feelings so all children need to learn this stuff too. Parents have the hard job figuring how to help our kids calm down and deal with some big emotions.

I have a 4yo and 2yo, both very different. 5 finger breathing (Google it) is a great technique to help calm down. validating the emotion also helps e.g I can see you are angry, how can I help?

all behaviour had meaning and is driven by our emotions so its trying to look beyond the behaviours to see what is the trigger or deal with the emotion. - Easier said than done!!!

Good luck my lovey, you've got this. it's bloody hard at the moment so look after yourself too.

@raising2children thank you so much for your lovely reply! Everyone in real life says oh she will grow out of it, which doesn't help me get through it now!! Or the best one is " give her to me for a week she won't behave like that with me" which just makes me feel like absolute shit and that my parenting clearly isn't good enough if they think that!! 😢😢 I think it's because my oldest son is such a dream, quiet, loving. Sometimes I feel like my little girl just doesn't like me! X

to be honest that's why I started looking at evidence based research on parenting strategies. Parents are given lots of advice that is just opinion and often from how they were parented which doesn't necessarily meet your kids needs.

xx

Hey @Mammaaof. Firstly kudos for being so reasonable as to see that not all advice is helpful (I hate people who say they would do better...).

Then what PP said, I think there will be a way to talk to your girl. I would also consider keeping a very quick "log" of the meltdown reasons and see if when reading it you can spot a pattern.

I also liked the book you wish your parents have read - simply because it described how kids will and can feel and what we can do to help them.

Also the "phase" think is bollocks, I know loads of kids who were never like that and loads who were and are like that even as older children.

Also - is she sleeping well? Sleep is so soooo underrated and can be of huge help to kids who are processing the World.

Good luck. I do hope you find the key to unlock that issue and help your girl to feel better (and yourself). Please do not feel bad. You are doing great and there is NO reason you should be sorry or embarrassed for the behaviour - please don't be. It's her needs that come first and everyone else does not matter in the slightest.

FWIW if I saw an issue like that (anywhere) I'd not judge but feel sympathy but not know how to be reassuring in a situation like that, to the parent tbh. Some take it well if we say "it's OK, no worries, what a day!" and some would just lose it perhaps so it is hard for the bystanders to act correctly, if you see what I mean.