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Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

sex talk in the playground - how much is too much??

27 replies

kizzie · 12/11/2007 22:17

DH is 8 and has mentioned a few things being talked about in the playground recently about 'sexing'. It all followed the yr 5's having their sex ed lessons (which according to other parents is all a bit explicit compared to my day!!! )

Anyway this carried on for a bit and i just sort of went along with it. but today he's come home and told me that a couple of the girls want to 'have sex' with one of the boys - and they clearly know exactly what they are talking about.

I'm a bit worried that the boys might be putting the girls in a difficult position by talking about them like this. But dont know whether i should just ignore it.

And is all this talk about it quite normal at 8??? Its obviously coming from the older kids ad the younger ones are picking up on it

OP posts:

yogimum · 12/11/2007 22:22

dont you mean ds is 8

Original poster

kizzie · 12/11/2007 22:24

aaah yes DS......

DH only ACTS as though he is 8

OP posts:

yogimum · 12/11/2007 22:26

I knew what you meant. No advice really, just thinking what it will be like when my ds goes to school. They are so forward these days.

Moomin · 12/11/2007 22:26

lol at your dh being 8!

Why don;t you have a chat with your ds about it? It would be a good idea to chat to him anyway as a follow up to the lessons so that he feels comforatbke in discussing things with you. And during this chat you can reassure him that sex doesn't happen when people just bump into each other as they're walking along (unless you're on an 18-30 holiday in Zante or something).

Don't ignore it, but keep it natural and informal. And yes it's very normal to want to know all about all this at 8!

Moomin · 12/11/2007 22:28

And btw the girls don't have a clue of the implications of what they're talking about. Yes, they now know the mechanics, but none of the emotional stuff.

Hassled · 12/11/2007 22:29

I think at 8 you can have a full and reasonably frank discussion about what sex is all about - I have a DS2 who's 9 and has known all the intricacies for a while now (not volunteered by me - he just asks a lot of questions and I see no reason to dodge the issue). I've always emphasised that sex is something that happens between grown ups who love each other a lot - yes, I know it's unrealistic, but at least he knows it's not something children do. Talk to him - be frank and technical, and emphasise it's a grown up activity.

OldenGoldie · 12/11/2007 22:32

When dd was 9 she came home with a conversation that really shcoked me about "having sex" she spoke with confidence and seemed happy with the subject. I was horrified but felt she shouldn't see that (after all i would rather she was calm and confident in her knowledge but still...)

Anyway the conversation went on for a while and I decided I was not happy so I pushed a bit to find out what she knew and where she knew it from.... turns out she thought that "having sex" was when a boy and girl kissed - and this is what got a girl pg. So when they boys wanted to "have sex" it meant they wanted to kiss....

I would suggest you dig a bit and check exactly what it is they think they know before you take any action!

Original poster

kizzie · 12/11/2007 22:32

i think i will have a proper chat with him this week. I've tried to be really open with him and not dodged any questions. But I just dont want him to get all the nudge nudge wink wink stuff from school (and the silliness etc) without any of the 'feelings' back up. i know ive answered my own question really but i really am quite shocked at just how forward they are at school now. I went to a fairly rough set of schools and we were sooooo innocent. Whereas my children go to 'very nice' (state) schools and they seem to know everything!!!

Oh im just soooo old fashioned!! And i like to think im so with it !!!!

OP posts:

OldenGoldie · 12/11/2007 22:35

(Oh yes - and I did use it as an opportunity to have a proper discussiona bout what it was about - as said below IMO this is old enough for a mechanical conversation at least!)

Original poster

kizzie · 12/11/2007 22:46

Hi OG - Ive already done a bit of digging and they do know the mechanics. They've got that from the yr5/yr6 children who have basically told them everything from the sex ed lessons (!) (Before that he did think that 'sexing' as they called it was having a kiss like on eastenders )

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 12/11/2007 23:06

they probably don't mean it. they just think it makes them sound grown up. and as someone else said many children will just think it means kissing or holding hands.

OldenGoldie · 12/11/2007 23:19

Arn't older children great when your children are younger!

The only way I can think of this is that the ones who are year 5 now probably went through the same things when they were 8yo IYSWIM. If you feel that it is too much then it would be worth mentioning to the teacher. At the end of the day it has to be what you are happy about for your child.

The only thing I can say is that it is nice that your ds is having these conversations with you and you should be proud - it indicates what a close relationship with him

Moomin · 13/11/2007 18:21

There was a programme recently that Davina did (Let's Talk about Sex) which looked at why the UK has the highest teenage pregnancy rates in Europe and why The Netherlands has the lowest. In Holland sex ed starts very young with the 'mechanics', backed up with lots of frank and open talk between kids, parents and teachers. It's seen as importnant but no 'nudge nudge' about it and there is a lot of openness and lack of embarrassment. Contraception is discussed and learned about in detail early on and this leads to learning about relationships and emotions more as they get older. Go figure!

As long as we continue to be embarrassed about it, put off talking about it with our kids, complain about it being taught explicitly in school and allow our kids to be educated by hearsay and inaccurate gossip, then we'll continue to have high preg rates, very high STI rates and all the problems that go with it.

rant over
Not having a go at anyone here specifically bte, just the way our country still has such a Daily Mail approach to sex ed and how blatently unsuccessful it is!

Was teaching about STIs to year 11 kids the other day (15 and 16 year olds who have supposedly got at least 7 years of sex ed behind them) and many of them didn't know what discharge was (looking out for symptoms of infection) and two girls thought you could only get HIV from having sex up the bum.

Moomin · 13/11/2007 18:22

Forgot to add:
and

McDreamy · 13/11/2007 18:24

[shock I first read you thread title and missed out the word talk!!!!!!

Oh my life I choked on my ice cream

themildmanneredjanitor · 13/11/2007 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaperChain · 13/11/2007 18:30

omg I am dreading DS1 coming home from school talking about sex. He is in year 1 now. And I remember a tv programme last year featuring a reception class where the kids were openly talking about sex.

IMO year 1 is faaaarrrrrrrr too young, and 8 year olds also too young

Moomin · 14/11/2007 15:52

Sorry paperchain but imho that is nonsense.
It's hangups like this that have got the UK into the mess we're in at the mo (see my post above)

Knowledge is power
Ignorance is dangerous

PaperChain · 14/11/2007 16:16

moomin I agreed with your post - but I still think 5 and 8 year olds are too young to be taught about sex. It's not a hang up of mine, I just want to protect my dc from the grown up world until they are more mature. I dont think it is nonsense - I think it is called love.

Moomin · 14/11/2007 16:29

What do you define as sex?
and where do you therefore draw the line at the questions your dc ask you? Which questions do you fudge or avoid or just refuse to answer?
Yes, there is obviously a distinction between what the info you give to a 5 year old and an 8 year old... and also a 12 year old for that matter.
But any answer to a 'sex' question should be an honest one which gives information enough to satisfy the question without giving too much unnecessary information that might frighten or confuse.
Dd1 asked me and dh about sex when she was 5 as in 'How do babies get into a mummy's tummy' so we told her about a special cuddle that mummies and daddies do when they are grown up and they love each other. The only thing she then asked was 'can I have a bay if I cuddle my friends?' When we told her no, it was a grown up thing, she was fine and no more was asked. And that will do for now, until the next query comes along. But that was about sex wasn't it?

PaperChain · 14/11/2007 16:35

Again I agree with your post Moomin - DS1 knew that DS2 was growing in mummys womb (he got scared when we first said in mymmys tummy, beacuase he thought the baby would get mixed up with the food I ate). And I suppose you could say that was about sex - but being taught at that age imo is another thing. I am ashamed to say I dont know what my DSs school policy is on it, ie when they are taught. I would imagine year 6, but I will have to find out now. Thank you for making me think about this. But I still hope it is a long while before he comes home talking about sex per se.

HuwEdwards · 14/11/2007 16:47

My DD aged 6, asked recently in the car in front of her 4yo sister 'but how do babies get inside you mum?'

I said ' Well as I told you before, you are born with the eggs inside you, all girls are, but in order for the egg to become a baby, the daddy has to pass a seed to the mummy'

"How does he do that?"

" He puts his willy inside her front bottom and that's called sex"

Cue loads of giggling - but no more questions....yet.

PaperChain · 14/11/2007 16:50

Well Done HE !

HuwEdwards · 14/11/2007 16:54

DP nearly crashed the car, but I promised myself from Day 1 that I would answer all of the DCs questions about periods, sex etc truthfully.

Obviously, I lie through my back teeth when it comes to the tooth fairy, Father Xmas et al.

PaperChain · 14/11/2007 16:56

pmsl HE!!!

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