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What have I done? Will anything happen to me?

21 replies

mummyvontummy · 11/11/2007 22:19

I have had a very tough weekend with my dd, as she goes to see her Dad once every 2nd weekend as he lives 200 miles away. I take her up on the train and stay at my mums while she sees her dad, and then I take her home again (she's 3 1/2). Normally she's sad but ok, but this time we got into Leeds at 11pm on Fri night, and set off at 7pm the following evening, arriving home at 11.30pm. She got back from her Dad's absolutely despising me, which is not like her at all-she is generally absolutely beatiful and placid and just gets a little upset when he goes, so I was completely unable and unequipped to deal with her behaviour. This time she screamed my mum's house down, punched me, smacked me, kicked me, bit me, everything in the book, and did the same to my mum. I just ignored the behaviour and let her know that I knew she was feeling sad, and that i loved her very much etc. The behaviour continued on and off for the four hour train ride, and continued again the second she got up. I still stayed calm, and spent the period after lunch fixing her new seat on to the back of the bicycle. She came out to help, which stressed me out big time as these things have to be on REALLY securely, otherwise she falls off the back of the bike and gets run over, on top of which we were over an hour late for a playdate, when she hits me and then decides to go back in the house. I didn't realize she was heading for the house and instead thought she was heading for the main road right next to it, so SCREAMED at her, as in completely and utterly lost all control over my words. It was so loud the neighbor came out of her house, who doesn't know us from Adam as we have just moved in, and I'm worried now she rang the police and/or social services. Will she get taken away from me? I've never done that before and have been shaking from it all day-I don't know what to do.

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Turkeyandsproutsx3 · 11/11/2007 22:23

When it comes to the safety of your child - I think you can scream pretty much anything. I'm not sure what has happened to make her behave in this way but you need to deal with it asap and stand your ground - not something you want her to continue with. maybe sit down with her and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and reward her when she starts being lovely again.

DynamicNanny · 11/11/2007 22:25

Oh please don't feel so bad - we all have bad days and today was yours. I very much doubt that your next door neighbours called the polic / social services

((((((big hugs)))))

policywonk · 11/11/2007 22:25

I know this isn't what you posted about really, but so much long-distance travelling must be very stressful for both of you. Would your ex be willing to travel down to you every other visit and see DD on her home turf? Maybe you could spend the money saved on train fares on a cheap B+B or Travelodge for him?

Turkeyandsproutsx3 · 11/11/2007 22:28

We all have crap mummy moments - I let go of my ds3 (7 months) in his backpack yesterday (propped up against me) and he fell forward onto a fence, cut his face and now has a black eye These things just happen.

MaureenMLove · 11/11/2007 22:29

Good point PW, it may have quite a bit to do with her behaviour too.

Try not to beat yourself up about today though M, we all have days like that.

soapbox · 11/11/2007 22:31

I think whether your neighbour does anything depends on what you screamed at her.

If it was just her name or 'xxxx STOP' then I think your neighbour will assume you were indeed worried about her going into the road.

If you screamed a volley of obscenities at her - then it is possible that your neighbour will take some action.

It all sounds quite grim and rather unsustainable for you all. I think her father needs to do more of the commuting so that DD doesn't have to!

mummyvontummy · 11/11/2007 22:31

Oh thank you T&S and DynamicNanny-I never see anyone else shouting that badly so got so scared-I think the whole town heard me.
Policywonk-the travelling is shattering, but her dad's alternative was he drive down and get her, and take her up to Leeds, then reverse the process the next day, but he has three (yes three!!) driving bans-something I didn't know about until after the relationship ended, so am really worried about her safety in the car with him, especially over such a long distance. He doesn't pay any maintenance for her so pays for the train fares instead, as if I book them early enough we can do the return trip for £20, and it's nice to see my mum. We're hopefully stretching it Friday to Sunday now though so it's not quite as bad on her, as she's starting to get too stressed and it is so horrid to see her so upset.

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chipkid · 11/11/2007 22:32

No you will not lose your child. You must be so stressed with all of this big hugs to you

mamazon · 11/11/2007 22:33

nothing will happen.

neighbour will have come on Mn and posted "ooh my neighbour is a bit of a mare" she will have got loads of posts saying "bet she was just really stressed"

and will be forgotten abnout soon enough.

if she called SS then you will get a letter in about 2 weeks saying can we come and visit.
they will make an appointment, they will visit. they will see your a great mum who had had a very busey and very stressfull weekend and you lost yoru temper momentarily and you shouted.

its not bad parenting its typical parenting.

dont beat yourself up. you did incredibly well to have kept your cool as long as you did.

policywonk · 11/11/2007 22:34

Oh dear, he sounds like a right peach. Well done you for going to such lengths to enable her to see him.

fullmoonfiend · 11/11/2007 22:35

mvt, you poor thing, sounds like you hit the end of your tether. We have all been there. No-one will call police or SS. Tomorrow, give your dd a big hug and tell her you are sorry you shouted. The wonderful thing about parenthood is that every day you get a chance to start again and make amends.
It does sound like the whole visitingthing is a lot to cope with though. Is there any way dad might come to see her once in a while to take some of the sress out of it?

mummyvontummy · 11/11/2007 22:35

I shouted "if you go near that road you will get a smacked bottom (which was an idle threat as I don't believe in it-double bad woman I know!), your behaviour has been bl**dy awful this weekend and I'm sick of it" and then under my breath I said something very sweary, but that wasn't audible thankfully! It's the smacked bottom bit I'm worried about-I've never smacked her, it just slipped out-it was one of mum's (idle threat) phrases, and I don't even know where it came from!

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fullmoonfiend · 11/11/2007 22:37

it's not illegal to smakc a child, let along threaten it. Stop being so hard on yourself. No parent is perfect.

soapbox · 11/11/2007 22:37

Oh in that case I wouldn't worry at all - I've heard much worse in the queue at the supermarket and no one bats an eyelid!

One to chalk up to the great parenthood experience

Blu · 11/11/2007 22:37

mvt - you poor thing.

Of course no-one will take your dd away. Good lord, every child in the country would be in care if they were whisked off when a stressed parent shouted to stop them running into the road!

What an incredibly stressed weekend. I do think, like PolicyWonk, that the travelling will have a ot to do with your dd's behaviour - being so tired etc. Also - she loves you so much she is angry at you for spending timewithout her. Small children are famous for 'punishing' parents they have been missing with thier bad behaviour. it also means that she trusts you enough and feels secure enough to act up. Children who believe they may be abandoned behave like angels.

Make an excuse to pop round to your new neighbour, say 'thank you so much for coming out to check the other day - but we were all right - dd just scared me to death as I thought she was running into the road. Sorry to disturb you...but I'm glad to have a neighbour who checks things out'.

mummyvontummy · 11/11/2007 22:40

Oh I love you all so much, thank you. If I'd told my mum she would have done the ton of bricks thing (and then admitted to doing the same thing herself when I was three and panicking the same amount!).
I told her immediately what a horrid thing it was to say and we had a huge hug, and she brought it up later in the day and laughed about it and called me mummy cross patch for an hour, so all is ok with her-it's just awful when they're asleep because you want to take all the bad and hurtful things you ever said back again. Turkeyandsprouts-that actually (although v heart-wrenching too!) really made me chuckle! xx

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fullmoonfiend · 11/11/2007 22:42

I don't normally offer hugs to strangers but I think you need one....{{{hug}}}

MeMySonAndI · 11/11/2007 22:42

I have screamed twice at DH's colleague's DD because she was about to be run over twice in the same afternoon because her dad allowed her to run backwards into the traffic (main extremely busy road), she also got a woman screaming -who was the same one that catched her before she landed at the wheels of an incoming car.

Both said woman and I were very upset, the guy was in another planet and didn't see much problem on that, second time round I screamed because she was really an inch to be hit. Her father must think I'm a neurotic but I don't care, if it were not for that woman and me, he would be planning the funeral of her 3 yr old now. So you screamed, who cares? your DD was in danger. For other things you wouldn't, would you?

Now regarding the behaviour, I understand that she may feel upset at being away from you or his father and that she may try to push all your buttons to be sure you are there. However, it is very important that you set boundaries in her behaviour too, if something she is doing gets her in danger she has to be disciplined, it is better to say no and send her to the noughty step as soon as required, than let things go until you or her loose it.

MeMySonAndI · 11/11/2007 22:43

and there were only 2 posts when I started writing mine, apologies if I crossposted and the thread have moved in another direction

mummyvontummy · 11/11/2007 22:44

V good idea Blu, I'll try and drop in tomorrow. I didn't realise that she still felt secure with me, I just thought she plain hated me, thank you. You are all great, I'm so glad I posted now-I thought everyone would be super-condemning and on the phone to ss themselves! xx

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mummyvontummy · 11/11/2007 22:47

Thanks MeMySonAndI, that would have petrified me! Thank God you caught her in time-her Dad needs a good shake! xx

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