Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

Any tips on how we can help DS to deal better with getting things wrong please?

17 replies

mckenzie · 11/11/2007 21:37

DS (6years old, year 2) gets really upset and cross with himself if he gets something 'wrong'. Be it his written spellings that he has for homework, a sum that I give him to do while we walk to school, a puzzle, a difficult word in one of his reading books. Sometimes, he quite literally beats himself up, hitting himself on the head or chest and he gets really really upset.
His teacher has commented on it and mentioned it at the recent meeting that we had and has made it top of the list of things that DS needs to focus on.
So we all know he needs to chill out about getting things 'wrong' but how can we help him to do so?

Any tips please gratefully received.
TIA

ps. we do praise him when appropriate and have never reprimanded him for getting these things 'wrong'.

pps I have put 'wrong' in '' to highlight the fact that the things that DS considers wrong and not necessarily what we would consider wrong per se, ie, a capital letter when really a small should have been used or vice versa

OP posts:

DynamicNanny · 11/11/2007 22:34

I don't know if it would help but maybe you could sit down together and draw up a list of things he can do well - including photos etc and maybe just lower things slightly take a step back with the puzzles do 50 piece instead of 100 etc, do simple sums again and just build up his confidence again, as I am sure your already doing also maybe have a chat with him about why he feels under pressure - maybe find books about children finding things hard etc Hope that helps

hayCHingleBells · 11/11/2007 22:39

Have only read op

I would say praise him for EVERYTHING! Even the smallest thing.
He will develop a greater sense of well being and a belief that he can do stuff.

Also, he must realise he has to practise at things to make him any good at anything.

Could you think of a way locally to show him people practising at something that is very difficult? Maybe a gym, where they do somersaults and beams and alike? Or, a dance class?
Or something that interests him?

hayCHingleBells · 11/11/2007 22:41

I mean not for him to join the gym or anything. Just to watch them practising, practising hard. Show him how long it takes to get good at skills

krabbiepatty · 11/11/2007 22:43

Watching this thread with interest - have a perfectionist 7y-o DS1 who often won't try at all rather than do something imperfectly. One thing which has helped a little was his teacher chatting to him about the idea of perfectionism...

hayCHingleBells · 11/11/2007 22:46

I have one like that krabbiepatty (excellent name)
She will try new stuff though, but wont leave it until she can do it well, very well.

Original poster

mckenzie · 12/11/2007 15:08

thanks for all the replies. i've got a sick 2 year old glued to my lap today so will read more and post again later. thanks all

OP posts:

Original poster

mckenzie · 13/11/2007 09:39

hi again
DH and i like the idea of creating a chart/poster of things he can do well - thanks for that idea DynamicNanny.
We do praise him a lot hayCHingleBells. We like your idea about showing him other people practising though, thanks for that.

OP posts:

Kammy · 13/11/2007 20:56

I also have a perfectionist 6 yo. Just like krabbiepatty's ds he also wont try things he can't do perfectly, which creates problems....so I'm watching with interest too! His teachers at school seem to think it's a maturity thing which will get easier with age, but I've not noticed yet. I try and play the fool a bit and get things 'wrong' on purpose to try and show that it's Ok - sometimes works, sometimes he just gets upset that I can't do it.
Two skills we have focussed on were swimming and cycling - neither of which came easily to ds, and, with practice and coaching he has mamaged them - I also just keep reminding him of these when he is crying over something he can't do.
But an other ideas very welcome...

MegaLegs · 13/11/2007 21:01

My 6 year old DS2 is exactly the same, hates to get things wrong. He is struggling with his literacy at the moment and dislikes school. The one breakthrough we have had is with his piano playing. He seems to have a bit of a gift (not sure where it comes from lol) and can play really well, I have noticed a difference in his all round confidence in just the last two weeks. So it would seem the focussing on the things the child excells at does benefit them.

BritTex · 13/11/2007 21:08

I have a 5 yr old ds who is very like this (his teacher thinks he may be ocd - his father is), but also I think sometimes that we praise a little too much, especially when they are very young and they dont learn how to deal with failure. We tell them they are smart clever and everythng thing they do is fantastic, then they go to school and dont get the same reaction from teachers and other kids, they dont know how to deal with it.

BritTex · 13/11/2007 21:16

sorry that was not very helpful it was just a thought. I struggle with my ds and we have had lots of talks about how things are sometimes difficult and we have to keep trying etc, he totally understands what i am saying but then when a situation arises where he feels failure there is no reassuring him he is just totally distraught (sp?).

redpants · 14/11/2007 09:45

Sometimes seeing you get things wrong or your dh and showing that nothing bad will happen show that ever body can make mistakes and this is how we learn i did this with my ds and it did help he still likes to get things right but he does not get so upset when he gets things wrong

NotQuiteCockney · 14/11/2007 09:53

DS1's teacher takes the line that we learn by making mistakes. Which is true.

singersgirl · 14/11/2007 09:58

That's what I say to both DSs. If you get it all right the first time, you're not learning, you're just practising. When we make mistakes it gives us a chance to learn.

love2sleep · 14/11/2007 10:49

A couple of thoughts...

Perhaps too much praise for the things he does right could be counterproductive as it might reinforce his idea that it is really important to you that he gets things right iyswim. Perhaps some extra positive reinforcement when he is funny or silly could help.

Also perhaps commenting on and laughing about the times that you or other adults get things wrong would also help him to see that nobody is always right and that mistakes are ok.

Good luck

Original poster

mckenzie · 14/11/2007 20:08

thanks for the latest replies.
I have an exam on saturday - at least now if I fail I can say that I wanted to show DS that it's okay to not get it right first time all the time

OP posts:

scattyspice · 14/11/2007 20:15

I agree with love2. DS (4) is the same, hates being wrong, loosing a game or having a joke played on him. We try to:
Make sure we regularly are wrong, loose, are but of jokes and take it well (not hard).
Give him experience of these as well as experience at doing well and help him deal with it.

I've noticed on Cbeebies they've started doing this with Sid and Andy ie one looses to the other, or they don't beat the clock etc. DS loves sid and andy so this sort of thing helps (I try to point it out).

Flip