How to discipline a stubbornly independent / emotional three year old

[LeopardPJS]

Just looking for some advice on how to discipline a three year old as I feel I’m missing the mark with my DD.
She is a bit of a control freak, incredibly independent (wants to do everything herself) and very short tempered. She can also be extremely emotional and highly sensitive.
The problems tend to occur because either a) she won’t do what I have asked her to - usually put a coat on, or some leggings on under her dress as it’s freezing b) I have unwittingly upset her because she wanted to do something herself and I’ve gone and done it for her - this can be something as small as for example today pointing to a picture on the page of a book, when she had wanted to be the one to point it out to me or c) she wants to dictate what is happening/ what someone else is doing and has been told she can’t (she wants us to go to nursery in the car instead of walk for example and I’ve said no) or d) although this is not said explicitly, because she is jealous of the attention that DD2, aged 15 months, is getting from me

My basic disciplining technique is the super nanny one (a warning in a low voice on her level the first tune she misbehaves, then naughty step - three mins because of her age, then a conversation then a sorry then hugs and kisses). I’m doing it consistently but I really feel that if it was working I wouldn’t still be doing it multiple times a day - we started this when she was two and she is now three and a half and I feel like I’m still getting as many naughty steps / meltdowns per day.

When I tell her she is going on the naughty step she completely loses it, properly crying and is just inconsolable (genuinely distraught, not faking it) to the point where I feel it’s not really appropriate to leave her there (as per the technique). She will go as far as to beg me to stay with her and say things like ‘I can’t stop crying mummy / I can’t calm down mummy’ ... she seems genuinely frightened by the force of her feelings and the prospect of being left alone on the step without any support to deal with it. So I have started staying with her on the site, cuddling her while she calms down, and trying to talk to her, instead, on these occasions. When she is calm I have talked to her a lot about how the emotion is OK but the behaviour is not. However my DH feels this is me not sticking to the technique / firm boundaries and that I’m making things worse by blurring the lines of whether she is being punished or cuddled. (Is he right??)

A number of things have, I think, made it harder recently: we finally got rid of the dummy a few weeks ago which she was very dependent on. When she was very upset a dummy would calm her down and she seems to be struggling to learn to calm herself without it. Another thing is that her baby sister/ DD2 has just started walking and being much more assertive about toys etc... I think this has upset DD1’s sense of herself as a ‘bigger’ girl and she suddenly sees DD2 as more of a ‘rival’ for my attention now she is walking and grabbing stuff.

When I’ve talked to her about it when she is calm she says things like ‘I just want to do things myself mummy’. When I have asked her why she

Very grateful for any thoughts on how we are going wrong!

Oh sorry. That was meant to read ‘when I have asked her why she misbehaved - the meltdowns can include scratching, hitting etc- she just says she finds it impossible to remember in the moment not to misbehave but then feels sorry straight after (she doesn’t say it this articulately but this is what I have understood from her!)

Also this may or may not be relevant but the very worst behaviour is always when it’s me and her. I thought perhaps she wasn’t getting enough one on one attention from me but today I had my mum look after DD2 for the whole day so I could have a special day with DD1 and her behaviour was just appalling the entire day!

Sorry this has turned into a bit of an essay. As you can probably tell I’m slightly at my wits end with it and very grateful for any advice!

I don't think the naughty step is appropriate when all the "crimes" have to do with emotional maturity. Controlling your feeling is a process that takes time and disciplining her everything she has an emotion or reaction to a request that goes against her will is not going to work.

When she has an emotional outburst, instead of isolating her on the step, give a hug and move to something else The step is meant for reflecting on a bad action. How is I don't want to wear leggings a bad action.

We parents tend to forget that kids are not just a shell, they have their own personality and ideas and wills, and they won't do just as we say because we say so and yes there are a lot of tears in the way of independence because learning to do buttons and shoes takes several failures before being able to .

Instead of disciplining her, try teaching some resilience. Built a tower block next to her, each of you building your own, and make yours collapse, and then shrug it off and say, this one didn't;t go well, I will start again, or drop a spoon when you cook, and say, things are going wrong today, but it doesn't matter, and show her you failing without importance.

Start crocheting or knitting and be bad at it, and tell her, my fingers have never done this before, I will be good, but it might take some time.
And if there is a lot of praising (good flushing when using toilet, good teeth brushing, good this, good that ) stop it and praise what is worth praising because otherwise you create exceptions of all is good.

Within reason give her the control to figure things out for herself. Eg if she won't wear a coat just tell her 'ok but it's really cold outside and I think you'll get cold. I'm bringing it with us just in case you change your mind' and just bring it out with you. I do this with my 3YO and she always decides to wear it in the end. I agree with pp. Putting her into an emotionally heightened and isolating situation for being overly emotional is a little counterproductive. I would just give her a hug and reassurance if she gets upset, try and give her choices as much as possible, talk to her about her feelings and how to manage them and give her choices when possible

Thanks so much for these thoughtful responses. I do completely agree with the point that it’s counter productive to leave her on a naughty step when she is very emotional. What I struggle with is where the line is. If she - due to getting very upset and emotional- hits / scratches me, then do I still not discipline her - on the basis that she was ‘upset’ at the time? Similarly, if she says ‘no I don’t want to’ in an angry voice, to a succession of maybe ten things in a morning (putting clothes on, wearing scooter helmet, eating breakfast, going to the toilet before we leave the house) does that not count as ‘naughty behaviour’ which requires some assertion of boundaries?
I completely get that it’s potentially counter productive to leave her on a naughty step when upset but surely there does need to be a point at which this sort of behaviour has a consequence?

If she hits you, yes to naughty steP
If she doesn’t want breakfast, she doesn’t eat but tell her there will be no food, only water until lunch.
If she doesn’t want to put on the helmet, no scooter
I she doesn’t want to put on clothes, she won’t leave the house
And so on. You need to start parenting instead of just punishing.

She is entitled to her preference but the wrong ones won’t be enjoyable for her.

Thanks Kaikin, I do see the logic of what you are saying, but I’m not sure this would work for us - I have another daughter who is 15 months, and I work and so does my partner... I really don’t think it is possible or practical to adapt the schedule of any given day to DD1’s stated preferences in the way you describe.
I agree we could sometimes allow her to for example not eat her breakfast or not wear a coat and just see if she gets hungry / cold. However, ‘if she doesn’t want to put on clothes, she doesn’t leave the house’ isn’t really practical option if she needs to leave the house to go to preschool for example, and her baby sister needs to be dropped at nursery.
‘No helmet no scooter’ is also not a practical option for me because her baby sister needs the pram and so she needs to either scoot to preschool or walk (She’s not an outdoorsy kid at all, she is a real homebody - If she had her way we’d never leave the house!)
I’m not trying to be awkward here just trying to make the point that actually she CAN’T have her own preferences sometimes - quite a lot of the time in fact- what I’m trying to get to is how is the best way to deal with it if she screams and shouts because she can’t have what she wants.
You seem to be saying that only hitting/ scratching is the red line at which the naughty step is appropriate. I guess I just feel instinctively that verbal shouting and screaming should also be corrected in some way. I hate shouting and I don’t want it in the house - it has such a negative impact on the whole family, including DD2 who is starting to mimic DD1’s behaviour.
Thanks again for commenting. I really do value all advice.

Give her little choices - as well as the negative ones that pp suggests you can make things positive. Red tights or blue? Wash face first or brush teeth first?

Plus simple sequences that give her control - WHEN you have put your shoes on THEN we can go outside to play (unless she can go out without putting them on of course), WHEN you have brushed your teeth and washed your face THEN it is time for a story, WHEN you have put your helmet on THEN you can ride your scooter.

Rewards (bribes!) can be effective too. Follow the rules for effective bribery - be very clear about what she has to do to earn the bribe. Do not give her the bribe until after she has done the good behavior - so "I'll give you a comic now if you promise to be good at the shops" is a mistake. But "if you hold onto the pram all the way round the shop you can have a comic when we leave" or "if you get on the scooter I'll tell you another bear story while we walk along".

You seem to be saying that only hitting/ scratching is the red line at which the naughty step is appropriate.

Absolutely! Time out is reserved for the very worst behaviour - hitting, spitting, deliberate damage.It loses its power if you use it for everything.

Everything else can be managed by a mix of ignoring (very powerful that!) simple choices, bribery and little consequences. The consequence of not eating breakfast is that you're hungry til the next mealtime/snacktime. You can't get on the scooter if you wont wear a helmet. And no amount of shouting and screaming and crying (which can be ignored!) is going to change that. Escalating to physical aggression means a time out.

It is fine to leave her alone to calm herself down if your presence isn't helping. Plenty of praise and cheerful friendly attention when she does put her helmet on, no matter how much fuss she made before. Also remember that she is competition for your attention with her sister, and if being good wont get your attention then being bad will do instead! So don't just ignore her when she does as she told or take good behaviour for granted, the trick is to give her attention for doing what you do want not what you don't.

Good luck!

Also remember that she isn't in full control yet and she can't express her feelings in adult ways, so you can be sympathetic to the shouting and screaming - or rather to the feelings behind the shouting and screaming - without giving way to them. As she learns to express herself better they will probably fade naturally. After all she is still little more than a baby herself, you don't punish the baby for screaming when she''s cross or upset do you?

You can't push away and discipline her every times she disagrees with you, it doesn't work, as you have seen.

They want something else, a summer dress when it is snowing and can't understand why it is wrong, even if you expose university level thesis. In that case, you just dismiss,
" oh I wish it was summer" come on , we will put it on after school, now let's put this one and let's go, maybe if we are are lucky we will see Mrs Smith's new orange cat. Can you imagine an orange cat !!"

You need to help her get over small disappointments because they will be plenty in life - not being picked at assembly, missing out on something, losing at a game, being told off, .... - and by putting her on a step for that gives these a bigger importance.

Also, please note, "positive' expressions of feeling from a gift, a surprise ,a trip to the zoo, Santa Claus are met with the same over burst of emotions, even tears sometimes, and we accept that display of emotions and they are socially acceptable. Yet when it is negative emotions, frustration or anger, we punish for those , sometimes even we ridiculed them ' You act like a bay, gna-gna-gna"

Slowly over the years, she will obey more (until she will obey less in teen years) , but you need to find a system that works with and for your family. There is no magic system.