what do you do when your child is the bully?

[AbRoller]

I have just found out that my child has been bullying another child in school. I had an idea from an incident a few months back but having spoken to the teacher, I thought it was all sorted out.

last night my 7yo dd told me she had kicked and pulled the hair of another little girl. This information wasn't offered until I said I was going to talk to the teacher and that if I found out she was lying she would be punished. After telling a string of lies she eventually owned up and told the truth. It has left me horrified.

As it happens she had a party invite from the child in question (I now know she got it because the girl was afraid not to invite her!) and the RSVP number was the mothers mobile. I rang to speak to her and under the circumstances she was very pleasant and understanding. I told her I was very sorry for my dd's behaviour and that I wouldn't tolerate bullying in any way, that I planned on speaking to the teacher on monday and that my dd would be punished for what she did.

The problem is I don't know what to do. I have spoken to dd about things like this before and even after all the 'sorry mammy' and the tears, it's worse than I ever imagined. I've googled 'how parents can deal with bullying' but it seams to be all aimed at the 'victim' or older girls.

I hate punishing but it's imperative I do it this time and that I do it right and get the right message across. Can anyone recommend a good book or offer any advice. I'd be very grateful.

TIA
Abs.

Can't help I'm afraid - but just wanted to say well done for confronting the problem head on. I'm sure you'll get loads of great advice from those who have been there etc.

I'd have a look at the kidscape website as a starting point, or call them and ask for advice if you can't find anything relevant. There must be some advice out there.

I imagine the thing is to get to the root cause but no idea how you do that.

Hope you do get an answer, must be terrible. Such a shock.

Thanks tigger

Thanks edam

I've thought about councelling. DD's dad, my XP is very reluctant to go down that road but I think for him it's more denial than anything. We split years ago and as he only sees dd every other weekend he has a hard time confronting any bold behaviour and would rather think she is an angel 24/7.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my dd but I think pushing this problem under the carpet is irresponsible and I'm a little angry that it would be his course of action given a choice.

I think we've done pretty good as parents considering the split and distance between us. DD has always known that we make decisions about her together and that just because he lives a bit away doesn't mean he has no input. We don't smack (though I have done before but that's another story) and she wouldn't see physical aggression ever so I can't work out why she would be so violent.

She hasn't had a great deal of stability in her young life and there may be underlying issues that she's unable to understand or verbalise so maybe councelling is an appropriate route. I'll try that website edam and try to get hold a book but for now, when she comes back from her dad's tomorrow I just don't know what I'll do. Talking is not working. Explaining how hurtful it can be to be bullied hasn't worked so as much as I hate it, I'm going to have to come down hard this time. Grounding her is pointless as she just plays in her room with her toys so she doesn't care if she has to stay there.

I might clear out her room altogether and give things back as a reward for good behaviour. She'll have to earn her toys back. Does that make sense?

I can't stop thinking about how the other little girl must feel. Her mum also told me my dd takes her lunch! DD gets a packed lunch everyday and arrives home with the lunchbox still full. She never eats her lunch and now I know why.

I worried about dd being bullied in school when she first started. I worried about many things as a lot of parents do when the time comes to send them off to school for the first time but never in my wildest dreams did I think my child would be the bully. It's devastating

justabout that makes a lot of sense, thank you.

I think I'll have to consider counselling. I have no clue why she would be this way but it can't be for no reason. There has to be a root cause. I hope the teacher can shed some light on it for us. She might just have a better handle on dd's overall behaviour than us because dd is an only child I don't get to see her with other children as much as the teacher would.

Thank you all for your help.

Oh AbRoller - you poor thing. Your last para in your last post brought tears to my eyes.

Have you asked her why she does it? Does your DD have friends? Is she sociable?

abroller as the parent of a child who was bulllied I would like to say how touched I am by your posts. You sound like a lovely concerned parent nd I'm sure you will be able to sort it out
what they did at my ds school was all the children were sat down in circle time and were told that x had been bullying my ds the children were then asked what should be done about it and they came up with strategies such as shouting out if they saw x punching my ds etc etc well it worked and the bullying stopped so I would ask the teacher what strategies the school is going to use. This happened in year 1 so they were quite young but the peer presure really worked on the child doing the bullying.

Hi buda and andie, thanks for replying.

buda, I have asked why...the worrying answers were 'because she wouldn't give me...' or 'because I wanted to'! I started her in an afterschool club to give her more time with other children outside a school environment and it has certainly helped her social skills which the teacher also noticed in school but other than that she doesn't get much opportunity to mix with other children. I can't say the lack of contact with other children could be the cause...it feels like an excuse. Any time with other children should be enough to teach her how to treat others along with the little talks we have about how the day went for her etc. I have noticed she gets angry if she doesn't get her own way and I must admit to giving in to her a lot. Maybe when she doesn't get her own way in school she can't accept it. The confusing thing is that she is quite an affectionate child, very loving and generally very good. She gets lots of invites to play at other childrens houses and she has friends. I now wonder though if it's because she 'made' them ask her? Come to think of it, only 4 children turned up to her birthday party this year but last year the whole class came.

Andie, I think that is a great idea. I don't like the thought that she would be singled out in front of her peers but she has subjected another child to it and worse. I will definately ask the teacher what system they have in place and if it's not suggested I will be mentioning it. I'm glad it helped your ds, no child deserves to be fearful of another or hurt at the hands of another.

It must be horrible and so hurtful to be the parent of a bullied child, I can also say it is sickening to be the parent of a bully. It's the hardest thing to accept that I am responsible directly or indirectly for my daughters behaviour. It's confusing and tears you in all directions. Denial is a big one and the first place you run...'oh no, not my child, she's not like that, you're mistaken' then the reality...something is wrong with my child and it's my fault, it has to be because she's too young to act this way and think it's ok. She, somewhere along the road got the message that it was appropriate or somewhere along the way was hurt or feeling weak and I didn't see it. I have failed her and that's hard to accept. I have failed to teach her and help her to be secure and confident without stealing a false confidence from another mothers little girl. I feel sad for my child and I feel sad for the other child. I hope I can fix it because it is definately broken as am I.

Thank you all for your replies. I don't know what I'll do but I have ideas now. Take care
Abs

Abs it is not all your fault children are exposed to many influences and parents are just one of them. Please don't beat yourself up about it so much you really care about what happens and that is very very important in helping her
you sound like a great mum

I think you need to do both punishing and root cause actions.

I would be really severe with the punishment - probably give away or sell their most prized possession.

I'd then leave some time for reflection and anger at the punishment to subside and then spend some time getting to the root cause. I think counselling might well be the wrong thing at this stage. I think it might be more of your time and attention she is crying out for - and I think by 'outsourcing' the problem to someone else at this stage, you might just give her the message that mummy isn't the person I turn to to talk about feelings.

If things don't get better, the counselling route is still there for the next phase!

The teacher needs to get on board and the circle time idea ias one we've used with Y5 and Y6 at school. yes your dd will find it painful and as you say, she has to learn that that is how she has made other children feel. Has the bullied child's mum come up with anything? perhaps she could tell your dd how much hurt she has caused the other litttle girl. She may feel ashamed to have another adult tell her off sorta thing. When you speak to her teacher you could speak to her in fornt of your dd and say things like ' I would like dd to eat her lunch on her own/at a separate time/whatever' until we know she has stopped this bullying behaviour. The isolation may make her think twice about eating aomeone else's lunch and the power is being taken away from her. BUT it would be important that the idea for that sort of punishment cam from you and not the school/victim so she can't blame them for it.

Sorry, have probably rambled and not helped. I work with slightly older kids (y5/6) and wish all parents could be caring like you! take care and all the best with this. It is a horrible thing to deal with.

Hi leslaki and soapbox

Soapbox for the first time today I laughed when I read the second line of your post. For a split second I took it that you were suggesting I give HER away

This thread has really helped. I still feel shit and I expect the knowledge of knowing what has happened is only the start of the horrible task of trying to resolve the problem but I don't feel at such a loss as I did this morning so I thank you all for that. Mumsnet is a great place.

Every suggestion is helpful and wise and I think a combination of them all is necessary as soapbox said.

Luckily the other girls mother was very understanding and has agreed to meet with me and dd. I'm quite touched by her willingness to help me. She could have been very defensive and just asked me to keep my dd away from hers. Hopefully, with help from all concerned we'll work it out.

Abroller!

Although I did suggest a severe punishment - giving her away would be possibly a bit beyond the pale

Have you asked the school for help? DS1 has been picked on a bit and I was very very impressed with the swift and effective action the school took.

I don't have any suggestions but I really wanted to say how much I admire you for being prepared to accept that your child has been behaving badly. So many parents don't and make it harder for the bullied child. I think your daughter will benefit from your honesty and I hope things get better. Big hug for you. Not easy.

Abroller, please keep us posted on how this pans out. Hope it all works out. Another idea I've had is this. Can you tell I@ve been thinking about this??! You could maybe plan an outing just for you,dd, the victim and her mother (farm visit??). It could give you the opportunity for all concerned to talk about things ina neutral environment where you have the opportuity to talk about otherthings as well. Also gives the 2 girls a nice day out together which maybe they could build on.

Try www.bullying.co.uk It had a section on this.
I posted the same title a few months ago I was so upset that I rang parentline and cried my eyes out at a random women (who was very helpful)

Just remember it's not your fault! I thought I'd raised some kind of monster but she was just trying to get attention/make her mark/ thought it was ok.

I made Dd (10) write a letter of appology to her head and the child involved. She was reluctant to write to the child, but I told her that I wasn't expecting her to become friends with said child but just to agree to stay out of each others way and not be horrid anymore. I think this is important that a child knows they shouldn't be a bully but it's ok not to like someone.

my dd has been ok (to my knowledge) since. I know how upsetting it is but it's not the end of the world

Just leaving a short message to say thank you all for your help. It's been a while and I have just come back here to see there were more messages.

Sorry I didn't come back earlier to reply. All is ok now and dd and other girl are pals, thank god. The teacher reports every friday in dds homework journal anything she feels I need to be aware of and as dd knows I get this report things have greatly improved. It helps that the teacher reports good behavior too, gives dd motivation to play nicely and fairly.

My job change has helped a great deal too as I get to spend a lot more time with dd. When I was working shift work I could never tell her when we'd get to do fun things because I never knew what would happen in work (one of the cons in my line of work)

Anyway, thanks again
Take care
Abs