Difficult behaviour - 9 year old

[AuthorsOfForever]

Hope this is the right topic to post in. Would love some advice on what to do about my son. He's 9, and me and his father are really coming to the end of our patience.

Almost every single day is a battle, definitely made worse by lockdown and home schooling.

He just listens to absolutely zero. He can't seem to follow simple instructions. And then absolutely loses it when he's told no, or asked to stop.

He has privileges taken away, but that doesn't seem to make a blind bit of difference. He lashes out, a couple of weeks ago he punched me in the crotch, for example.

A couple years ago, he pulled my hair and threw rocks at me on the way to school, while I was pushing his baby sister in the buggy.

We are pretty laid back, he's allowed video games, has a tablet, we go for family walks in the lovely local woods, his dad takes him to the fields to play football, we explore and enjoy nature.

But he just won't listen. He reacts like a toddler when asked to go to bed, thrashing around, sobbing, kicking, screaming, throws things, sneaks my Console into his room to watch Netflix at night. Wakes up stupidly early and scoffs anything and everything.

I just don't know what to do. He's a big lad. Always has been, and I'm very conscious that it won't be long until he can overpower me. And it makes me so sad. I hate being so cross all the time. I miss my little dude who was so sweet and gentle. Sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all and it's breaking my heart.

In times where he isn't behaving poorly, he is so funny, and kind. He loves his sister so much, he's really creative and always has an interesting fact about an animal or a silly joke. My sil adores him, says he is so polite and well behaved. He's never in trouble at school, the only negative feedback we ever have is him struggling a bit with maths and handwriting.

I just don't know what to do

That sounds very difficult. But actually your son sounds frustrated and unhappy. It is important to remember that he will hate these daily battles as much as you do, but he doesn't know how to stop them any more than you do. And they will be having a bad effect on his self esteem, which will in turn make him worse behaved. So some de-escalation could help. He could have been feeling some jealousy and insecurity after his sister was born, perhaps a fear of being replaced? Jealousy isn't always expressed directly against the other child. And struggling at school is probably having bad effects on his self esteem too, which he may be saving up for home.

One thing you can do is look at de-escalation strategies, just to keep things calm and relaxed at home and perhaps letting some of the less important things go. And communication strategies. He is 9 years old so you telling him to do things wont work the same way it did when he was younger. You say you are laidback and that may be true a lot of the time but it also sounds as if you tell him what to do? Maybe he needs more negotation and more clear choices than he did when he was younger.

Have you looked at e.g. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk and tried any of the strategies in that? Or anything similar?

I am going through this exact same thing right now and have blamed myself for having 2 other children (2 & 3 years old) my son is very clever and smart, he is very switched on and never misses a trick. He's well behaved at school but at home he's a different child. He has no volume control and shouts everything he has to say, he can be very demanding and when the answer is no will burst into uncontrollable tears and make the most awful silliest childish noises. He gets out of bed constantly to ask stupid questions or to say something pointless knowing that I will say please get back in bed and then it sparks another argument. I feel he craves to argue with me and he sees how far he can push me before I snap. I stay calm and don't argue back with him and it doesn't work, I can shout and that also doesn't work. He knows he has done wrong as he does apologise but it goes out the window the second I have accepted it. Is it just the age or is there something else I can try or do? At my wits end with a 9 year old and 2 toddlers