How do you deal with tantrums at 20 months

[pancakes22]

DS is 20 months and I am completely beyond myself how to deal with his temper. The smallest things if I say no or he doesn't get to do what he wants to do at that precise moment in time results in him screaming for 15-20 mins at a time. My DD was never like this and I find myself in completely new territory. My husband just wants to sit him in the corner every time he starts screaming but that doesn't feel right somehow. But the only way I can calm him is either walking around the garden or putting the tv on. I try and talk soothingly, I try and cuddle or say I'm here it's okay, I try and explain why no eg no you can't draw on your clothes but you can draw on paper/ no you can't empty all the saucepans out but maybe you could help me cook later/ can you say any words what you want but he doesn't listen to anything and just screams in my ear and it just makes my efforts seem pointless. I'm getting to the stage where I just don't want him near me when he starts screaming because I'm so fed up of it every day. He is such a wonderful little boy who I love dearly but there is just this temper side to him which flicks a switch and I don't know how to handle it! Any tips please are very welcome xx

Hi OP,

My little boy is the same he’s 21 months. There’s no talking to him and explaining once he has a tantrum. I’ll tell him no and he’ll fling himself back and start crying and having a tantrum. I put it down to him not fully understanding/ not being able to express himself properly yet. I let him calm down on his own and walk out the room, I don’t give him the attention when he’s doing it as I find it makes him worse he’ll eventually get up and stop. He’s my first so I don’t really know what to expect but both of my Nieces went through a similar stage and I remember them kicking and screaming on the floor.

I would recommend you to read a book “Whole brain child”, it explains how kids brains are wired and that it makes no sense to try to calm them down when they are in this irrational state.

It says When you don’t let your kid have something you have to make them feel you are on their side: “I know you wanted ice cream, you are so disappointed and angry. You are angry like a tiger” and if they still need to have a melt down let them, just be in the room and ready to hug when they are ready. I wouldn’t leave them alone.

Nothing worse than putting them in the corner to calm down, they are not thinking rationally at that moment, saying to calm down won’t help. How would that work on you if someone kept telling you calm down when you’re raging?

Mine had lots of tantrums at 18-20 months. She’s 2 years now and every now and then gets a little upset, but nothing big.

Whole brain child is a great book. All behaviour has meaning and stems from an emotion. When your child is highly emotive and therefore we see aggressive or withdrawn behaviours, I find it useful to validate the emotion and ignore the behaviour until they are calm again.
So I may say to my 4yo and 2yo, "I can see your angry", "How can I help you to feel better". Once my 4yo is calm again I will make a plan. when you are angry or upset what can we do differently - I dont like seeing you hit/kick etc.
also breathing is an anchor so I role model "five finger breathing" (just google).
if you would like a little intro to brain theory, I have a blog post on how is supports parenting.raising2children.com/why-does-neuroscience-matter-when-parenting/

It does depend on the child, and you have to find a method that works for them.

Dd1 responded to reasoning. You explained why, even at 20 months, and that worked. We also told her that if she was really angry she had to say "woe, woe and thrice woe" or she wasn't really angry. So she'd say that and then we'd laugh which made her laugh too.
DD2 there was absolutely no reasoning. Nor did she want to be held or touched. By far and away the best method was to put her in her bed to scream it off. She'd normally last about 5-10 minutes before she'd calm down and either then come back to us happy or fall asleep.
In a temper you could actually hand her what she wanted and she'd be so taken up with anger that she'd just throw it away.
Ds needed a tight hug. So pick him up, facing me and hug him tightly. He'd go very quickly from upset and fighting to cuddling and calm. If I started to let go too soon for him he'd say "my hug tank isn't full" which was very sweet.