Toddler - normal or concerning?

[gingingingingingin]

My toddler turned 2 in November. He's always been very strong willed and stubborn.

We've recently moved half way across the country and I had another baby in December. My son went to a childminder three days a week before we moved and I have enrolled him a nursery now we've moved for three days too. I think he needs the socialisation, and I need some quiet time with the baby.

I struggle to know if my son is particularly difficult, or if all toddlers are difficult. From the second he wakes up, everything is a battle - what to have for breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth etc. If he doesn't like something I suggest he screams and kind of flaps at his hair. The screaming has been happening for about a year - the flapping is new. I've tried everything - ignoring, reward charts, lots of praise, time outs etc. Sometimes he has a complete melt down as well - for example if I try to take his shoes off.

He never used to display this behaviour with his childminder. I think she was rather strict and he just knew he couldn't. However the new nursery says he is doing it lots. My son actually seems really happy there and has been talking about all of his new friends and the lovely activities there. They however seem pretty concerned. To be honest I'm worrying now that this isn't a passing phase and he just can't control his emotions. I'm a SENCo and I can't help worry that some of his behaviour (the screaming, huge meltdowns, and his obsession with numbers and spinning wheels) points to autism, although he is also quite advanced with his language and very socially motivated which don't correlate. I know he's had a lot of change recently, but to be honest this behaviour isn't new, and I think I'm just delaying the problem if I blame it on that.

Not sure what I'm after really... bit of reassurance that this can be normal or some advice on how to tackle the behaviour? He's such a quirky fun little thing and I don't want his behaviour to get in the way of his potential as he gets older. I know it's my job to teach him what is an isn't acceptable, and I feel like a massive failure for not managing this despite my best efforts...

I'm afraid I can't really help with telling you whether or not this behaviour is normal - although I do think it probably is, they don't call it the terrible twos for nothing! - but wanted to say that I really relate to what you've written about your DS. My DD is nearly two and has always been a handful, and very quick to have all-blazing fiery tantrums. I think it's really hard when you're a SENCo, because you're hyper-aware of all the indicators and red flags and sometimes this steps you away from what is normal behaviour. I have this constantly, as a student Speech and Language Therapist, I started to see autism traits in my daughter constantly, but when I step back I can see all the things that negate those worries. Having said that, it's really not easy all the time, and trusting your gut is also really important. Has your son been seen by the HV lately for a developmental check? Maybe this would allay those fears.

As I said about being a SENCo, sometimes knowledge can be a real burden! But it is so important to remember that many of the behaviours we see on the autism spectrum are also totally normal in typically developing children, such as hand-flapping or tantrums. If the hand-flapping isn't hurting your son, or anyone else, sometimes it's best to just let him do it rather than try to correct the behaviour as it is currently his way of regulating his emotions. But if you do continue to be concerned, it's definitely worth speaking to your HV or GP, if nothing else to get the reassurance you are craving. Wishing you all the best!

Ah that's such a lovely reply thank you. Yes you are totally right about the SENCo burden - I only work with children 3 and up so I am clueless before that! He LOVES numbers and can count beyond 20 - most people are just impressed and I'm thinking 'oh no I think this is an unusually obsessive interest...'

He had a developmental check at 2 with HV but it was over Zoom and therefore as much use as a chocolate teapot. She just kept saying 'oh his language is great!' and didn't have much to say about my concerns (he's also a picky eater and she just told me to give him a multivitamin and wait it out). I might mention it to doctor when I visit with my newborn for vaccinations next week and see what she says.

My husband says he is simply 'at the stubborn end' of normal and he's testing the boundaries at nursery, and that it's up to them to put them in place. I guess I need to give them more time to get to know him and let them raise concerns if they have them. I just dread them saying they can't handle him as it's SUCH a nice nursery and he's really happy there!