7 year old - tight hair, tight clothes, tantrums

[mummy2two21]

Hi,
I'm new here and I've looked. At various sites but this seems to be quite a supportive open forum.
I may be out of the age focus here maybe this is more for toddlers/ babies.

I'll give my story and I would just be so so grateful for some support / ideas / advice / direction from anyone.

I am mum to two beautiful little girls. One is ten and one has just turned seven.
My seven year old has always been a fussy child but a manageable fussy child. Things like even as a toddler her socks had to be so tight, her clothes the right fit etc.
But always ok.

For the last few months things have got so on top of me with her behaviour towards me.
My mornings are full of tears, anger etc.
I've started getting up as early as 530am to make the morning as peaceful as I can.

The issue she has is her hair has to be so tight and so perfect or she loses the cool completely.
She throws objects around, screams, kicks me and thumps me so hard. She gets mad at her sister if she happens to be in her eye line. She gets mad at my husband her dad but not anywhere near how she is with me.

Her clothes are aged 4 so that they are tighter fitting and when she goes to school on Pe day her tracksuit bottoms are half way up her legs because they are age 4.
She loses the cool near school gates if her hair isn't tight enough. For example this morning I did her hair 17 times and it wasn't right. In the end I had to slightly pull her towards the gates and off she went with her teacher.
She was crying so much it broke my heart and I cried myself for a solid hour.
I feel useless.

I left for school an hour early this morning in order to park up at a nearby park near school in an open space to do her hair and settle it all down before school but that didn't work today.

I feel so bad for my other daughter my ten year old. She gets told to just sit back and say nothing. I feel I can see her worry for me and her concern for me.

It's got so so on top. I called the doctor last week to see could she have adhd or something we don't know about. He has pointed us to a community paediatrician. We are waiting for a letter. I imagine this could well be a phase she will grow out of or something not as serious as it feels but as a full time working mum who throws all my energy in to my family I am hitting a brick wall. I am so worn out from trying so hard to make her life as comfortable as I can.

Maybe I'm doing too much.
My husband is very supportive but I think he has a different approach to this and thinks I should back down a bit and maybe not be as responsive as I am being to her every need.

For example at night time when she goes up to bed she screams for me every twenty mins or so but I means screams until I am there to sort out what ever issue she might have. It could be something like she needs more water or she needs her pillow to be more comfortable but unless I go and see to her then all hell would break loose.

Her teacher emailed me later today to say she had settled fine and was happy doing her work.

Her school work is not affected by this, her friendships are great and her overall behaviour at school is A1.
When she is with her Nana she is not like this and would never hit out at anyone apart from me, her sister and her dad. The degree of abuse she gives me is huge compared to what she gives to her sister and my husband but id nearly take it if it meant it calmed her down.

It's such a tough subject for me because when I park aside that 20% of crazy times she is 80% of the time an amazing girl. She is noticeably extra kind to people she is kind to me, very caring and concerning towards others within that 80% time.
She is entertaining, funny, so full of cuddles and very smiley and creative.

She does a lot of colouring and creating and playful with her toys/dolls/ and others.

I need to emphasise that the 20% though is pure hell.

I just thought maybe talking openly on a forum might give me some insight.

Hi, I'm sory your DD is giving you a difficult time.

It's interesting that she is fussy and likes her clothes and hair so tight. Have you ever looked into sensory processing disorder, like The Out of Synch Child? Having unusual sensory responses can be a big source of stress for children. It can make the world very scary if you hate the things that everyone else enjoys, or if "ordinary" things are uncomfortable or even painful.

Anyway, whatever the problem might be, you are doing the right thing to get this looked into. The fact that she has tantrums and hits out at home suggests that this is where she feels safest to let go. A lot of children are able to "keep it in" at school and other places, but when they're at home they explode. It sounds as if she something is making her anxious and unhappy and she is clinging to you for reassurance at bedtime, looking for certainty that you will fix her problems.

And one thing you can do is to keep a diary of the things she fusses over and when she throws big tantrums over something, and what you do about them. And all the things you are doing to try to make her comfortable. That may help the paediatritian to figure out what is bothering her so much.

Please don't think I'm being patronising but do you tell her that this behaviour is unacceptable? Whatever the cause she still has to know that she can't just kick off like this and get her way. Does she know how to tie her own hair up? I would tell her you're going to fix it 3 times in a day and then if she's not happy she's going to have to sort it herself and give her a hairbrush. If she screams.and kicks off then gets no help at all the next day. Stay calm and sympathise but don't back down and be very clear that behaving inappropriately isn't going to get her what she wants. It's highly unlikely that this is ADHD if she can function well at school and with other people. This is a learned behaviour whatever the cause. You need to help her unlearn it IMO x

We're going through something similar with DD who is also 7. Lockdown has exacerbated it to the point where we had one outfit she would wear. I've started buying second hand clothes and altering them myself which seems to be helping (we now have 3 outfits which is a huge improvement). I was exactly the same as a child so I'm hopeful that she'll grow out of it like I did. The approach I'm trying to take is to reassure her that lots of children have the same struggles and it's ok to have the feelings she does, but it's not ok to lash out and take it out on the rest of us. She needs to talk to us about how she's feeling and we'll help her through it.

It sounds like you're doing your best and hopefully the paediatrician will be able to help.

It is sensory processing disorder, telling her off will only heighten her frustration and cause more stress. It is not a learnt behaviour, she cannot help it.

If you would like to private message me about this I can give you some advice my daughter has this and there is a lot of information out there but support from the Drs is minimal, As I have found out. Your daughter has sensory issues this is the cause of her outbursts. Here to help if you need it :)

Sorry but how can you diagnose something from a single paragraph that takes professionals hours of observation to diagnose?? I agree it might be worth looking into why this behaviour is happening but the reality is if she can function at school without having massive issues then there is at least a behavioural element to this. Since tying hair up lots of times and unacceptable behaviour are not a tolerable long term solution she needs to be guided to other ways of dealing with this stress. That's all I am saying. Sometimes you don't need a diagnosis to reach a practical solution...