What is wrong with my toddler??

[MashaPotato]

DD just turned 2. Myself and DH really can’t cope anymore. Every day is such a struggle.
We have strong suspicions DD is autistic to come degree (we are currently under referral to the paediatrician to assess this, but have been under HV and GP care for a while now).

DD is constantly angry, tired, irritable. Several meltdowns a day (I know I’ve previously been flamed for using this term, but they really are full on meltdown). It can take over an hour for her to calm down sometimes.

She’s not talking yet which I’m sure is a big part of her frustrations. But the constant tantrums feel beyond what I would say are normal for a typical toddler of her age.

She sleeps very well, having been a horrendous sleeper for the first year. I can’t believe I can now say this but more times than not she sleeps through the night, from 7pm until sometimes 6am. Also has a good 1.5 hour nap per day. I just don’t understand how she’s still so tired and angry from the minute she wakes up!

She loves going out on walks in the buggy (it’s the only times she’s happy) but refuses to actually walk anywhere. She’ll happily run around at home or in a park, but refuses to walk along pavements, nature trails, woods etc. If I try she’ll cry and scream on the floor until I finally give up and put her back in the buggy (this can be after waiting a good hour).

Our life is just relentless. I can’t see this ever getting better and most days I don’t see the point in living anymore. I do everything to make her happy and make life fun and enjoyable for her but it’s just not enough. I’m failing as a parent so badly right now, it’s not what I imagined being a parent to be like.

I’m sure many elements are ‘just having a toddler’ but we have many close relatives with toddlers the same age who are so good natured and parents admit they very rarely cry or tantrum. So what am I doing wrong??

Please can someone give me some advice or encouragement because I’m struggling so badly right now 😥

*some degree

I'm so sorry you're going through this. 2 is a really difficult age, in fact I'd say from 18-36months is one.of the hardest times.of parenting. Have you spoken to anyone about the behaviour and number of tantrums every day? Can you keep a record of how many/how long for a week and then talk to a pediatrician? Or try some of the tips for managing tantrums from Triple P parenting which is quite sensible advice and might give you new coping strategies?

@MashaPotato I don't know much about meltdowns and tantrums (my lo is 16m only) but one thing strikes me - you try to make everything enjoyable for her.

How about for you? Are you going places you like? Doing things you like doing?

Would that be an option (and I know I sound idiotic as it's covid and all) but do you have things you like doing, places you like going (allowed) that she just tags along?

As for refusing to walk alongside the buggy - unless this is a requirement, I'd just let her. I may be in the minority but happy baby happy parent for me is (at this stage, mind you) you want something, as long as it's not dangerous here you go.

I try to remember that some days I want pizza and some days I want salad and some days I want to go for a run and some days I don't and I am trying to treat my baby the same. Sorry if not helpful and I may well regret this parenting approach later too!

I am sorry that you are having such a tough time! :(

It’s great that you are accessing some support, hopefullt it will come soon.

Sorry for the slightly to the point post but I’m typing with a snoozing bubba!

Here are some things I’ve found helpful when dealing with frustration in this age group, hopefully one or two may help you too!

Redirecting instead of telling off - so instead of saying “stop hitting” you could, as gently as possible, redirect little hands to a soft toy and model a stroking or tapping motion, saying something like “we are using our kind hands.” Lots of praise when they do it, even if it’s just for a second! Another example is telling them what they should be doing, so rather than saying “don’t kick me when I’m putting you in the pushchair” you could say “we keep our feet still until we are strapped in safely. Are you strapped in? No? Then feet need to be super still!” Etc

Prompt items - sometimes frustration can come from lack of control and lack of understanding about what is going to happen next. So you could use prompt items to help with this - for example, if you are going out for a walk, give shoes to them five minutes before it’s time to start getting ready. If they ignore them, that’s totally fine, the prompt is still there. A bath toy for bath time, a plastic plate for meals, etc

‘Now, next and then’ cards. You could get a little white board or flash cards (white board is easier IMO!) and ensure kiddo knows what’s happening (“ now we are playing with the teddy bear, next we will wash our hands, then we will have lunch”)

On a personal level, I find that telling myself that my kid is “having a tough time” not “GIVING me a tough time” helps me to keep my cool in those moments where I want to put my head in the blender

I find baby signs helpful too - it gives them a voice when they can’t find the words and doesn’t stop being useful just because they’re a bit older! Even if they don’t use it, if they watch you and pick up what you’re signing it can be useful when trying to calm them down mid scream fest - for example they may not hear you say “let’s get teddy/dummy/whatever” but they might be able to see you sign ‘where’ and ‘dummy’ even if they are mid-tantrum

And lastly, be kind to yourself. You are obviously a very caring, considerate and loving Mum. Your kiddo is very lucky to have you.

Sorry I forgot one - try to use a variety of words for ‘no.’ I know it sounds a bit stupid, but kids become numb to the word ‘no’ because they hear it so often! I’ve found that saying things like ‘freeze!’ Or ‘pause!’ Or even just making a ‘funny’ noise that’s like a warning sound often stops kiddos in their tracks more effectively than no and is easier to redirect from as it doesn’t trigger than same “I’m being told off” response straight away

@Eggcellent29 parent to a toddler and found your posts really helpful.
Thank you

@Onestep2021 Ah I’m so glad to hear that, thank you!

Us mummas got to stick together 😆

Thank you all so much for your responses!
I actually cried hearing your kind words. These tips are all great, I will definitely be trying everything.

I think I’m guilty of not explaining things enough to DD. Because she doesn’t talk yet I forget that she can understand what I say more than I realise! When she’s in ‘meltdown mode’ I just don’t know what to do/say to help. Some days I can stay so calm and cope with it, other days I just want to scream (which I know definitely doesn’t help!) or other days I just sit there sobbing (which again I know isn’t good for DD to see! But it’s better than shouting).

@ZooKeeper19 To be honest I don’t really do much for myself anymore. And that’s not just since becoming a parent or even since lockdown. I’ve always enjoyed a simple life really, gardening or going for walks, running etc. And I’m a bit of a big kid really, I love doing everything for DD and playing out in the garden or going for walks through the woods or making things at home/baking etc. But she makes these things so difficult to enjoy because it’s always full of tears and tantrums! She’s only happy to play at home with the blooming tv on which I really have to battle over when I turn it off! I’ve got so much planned for her once lockdown lifts and we can properly get out the house, swimming lessons and toddler sensory groups etc which I can’t wait to be able to do with her! But then at the same time I’m so worried about going and her playing up and crying in front of everyone. I get so embarrassed, and I think people must look at me and think I’m such a useless parent 😔

I honestly dread lockdown lifting because I’m embarrassed for family and friends to see how difficult she is. And I know I shouldn’t compare to other children, I find it impossible not to though! My nieces the same age will walk nicely alongside my DSis holding her hand, they’re talking too, they’re really well behaved. I just want my DD to be the same 😢 xx

@MashaPotato I have thought about this point actually quite a bit, the "embarrassed" part.

And you won't. Firstly, the majority of people around us have or have had children and hence have seen this before. The ones who are yet to get there will eventually have to deal with this. And the part of the population that willingly decided not to have kids won't judge you because they will think "THIS is why I am not doing this :) " (well maybe not but whatever they think is up to them).

But the point is this. You are the parent and the only person that you need to please, is yourself. If your child throws a tantrum, has a meltdown, screams, takes all clothes off in the middle of the street, whatever happens - you need to react as you, and to the child. Not hush hush quickly out of the situation because others "may" be looking, judging, whatever. They are not the ones having to the deal with the consequences, you and your DD are.

So I hope, one day, I will be able to just silently wait and stand and patiently explain why we do not drink from puddles in the park, or lick stranger's dogs or why we have to go home now and not later.

If you have not read, The Book I wish My Parents have read, strongly recommend. I am not big on parenting tips but this one is brilliant. Not all of it is for everyone, but helped me to understand my own emotions and hopefully be a bit more forgiving parent.

Also please do things that make you happy. You being happy is the cornerstone of happiness for everyone. SO your coffee, tea, bath time, your jog, walk in the park, gardening - that is what you do to stay happy and DD can help, assist, enjoy with you. Then you enjoy the playground with her.

But always always please remember - do not be embarrassed by your DD. She does her best, I am sure we all do, and if I see a tantrum, a meltdown, I look (it's natural too) but it's not judging, sometimes people look at you and tell you silently "do not worry, we have ALL been there, it will pass" :)

OP I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Your post rings a lot of bells for me as our DD (who is 2.5y) is a late talker and has only recently made some progress with her language which has helped a little with her behaviour. There is definitely a link between her frustration at not being able to communicate and her tantrums. I have found it very tough to deal with and really sympathise with your situation. I also think that with lockdown stopping us from being around other toddlers it is easy to forget how typical these sorts of behaviours can be at this age. I hope you are able to get some helpful support and advice from the paediatrician. Not able to offer much practical advice - the other posters have given some excellent suggestions - but I do think it's important to try to find something positive in each day (or week, if easier), even when you feel it has been relentless. Trying to focus on small victories can sometimes help to keep going.

I’m finding all these tips really useful, thank you so much everyone. Especially the ‘now, next and then’ @Eggcellent29 thank you! I think it’s helping my sanity if nothing else 😅 it just reminds me to actually talk and explain everything to DD, and it helps me get through the day too!

@ZooKeeper19 I think the embarrassment part is a huge part of where I’m struggling. I hate attention at the best of times! I’ve actually loved having to wear a face mask all the time 🙈 But when it comes to DD I need to stop letting attention in public worry me. I think if I knew what to do or say during a tantrum/meltdown I wouldn’t mind people looking, but I think they must look and think I’m out of control handling DD. And I really do feel totally out of my depth 😔 I’m so anxious about the likely possibility DD has autism and how I’m going to cope for the rest of our lives 😢 xx

@MashaPotato if it helps autism is not always the end of things. Both me and DH have (albeit milder) ASD and we turned out fine (I hope).

I would separate your worry about ASD from your worry about her behaviour outside. Remember when you were 10-11-12 and your parents blamed every single issue on "puberty"? Oh how I hated this, 30 years on and I still remember the feeling of my blood boiling over such unfairness.

You being calm and "there" for your DD when she is not OK (tantrum, meltdown) is all you can really do. There is no fix, no magic. Just show her you love her and it's OK not to feel OK and she can show her emotions the way she feels, just let her know you love her no matter what.

Others can go wherever they please and say whatever, it absolutely does not matter.

If you have time, read a book called Aspergirls, has some good tips.

Also, you are doing great, and you are a great parent so try not to worry too much!

OP my DS was a late talker and had horrendous tantrums that would go on for hours. He got so cross and DH & I sometimes wondered if there was an additional need. He is 6 now and is calm and developmentally normal boy. His talking came along quite quickly once he got going and his last major tantrum was just before he was 4. Honestly though, he was an absolute terror to parent as a toddler and if he had been my 1st he would have been the last! Hang on in there, some toddlers are very very difficult but 3ish onwards they do improve.

I remember sobbing and crying to my mum that I couldn't carry on looking after him with tantrum after tantrum, shitty sleeper, shitty eater, always kicking off in public. He wouldn't even go in the bloody buggy without a show! Its unbeliable a few years later that he is even the same kid, he eats, sleeps tantrums are long gone. He is a bit obstinate and bloody minded but really that is nothing compared to the toddler days.

Thank you @ZooKeeper19 that’s really helpful. I’ve been trying really hard to stay calm and reassuring while tantrums are mid flow and I’m finding I can distract DD much quicker than before to encourage her out of it.

The one thing I’m really struggling with at the moment are the tantrums when I turn the telly off. We’ve got into a really bad habit of having the telly on more than I’d like over these winter months (this wasn’t a problem during the summer months in lockdown as we’d be playing outside all day!) She happily plays with it on, almost like background noise as she doesn’t even actually look at the screen! But when I turn it off she instantly cries and screams (fair enough - initially). But she will continue to cry and scream for well over an hour despite me trying to distract her with toys in the living room. If I completely ignore her she’ll keep flouncing onto the floor in front of me and then in the hall and repeat. The only way I can snap her out of this is to take her to a different room where there is no tv. But I feel like this isn’t teaching her that she can play with toys in the living room, just with the telly off! What should I be doing in this situation?

Also thank you @Ploughingthrough for your post, that really gives me hope. I wish I could look into the future and see that things will be better in a few years, and then I wouldn’t worry so much now! X

@MashaPotatooh bless, I am completely wrong person to ask about TV as we don't have one and I have not had one for a decade (no space etc).

But what I would try is leave the TV on, but play no TV programme. Try if there is such a thing, something like cat TV, or a fire or some calming sounds, some relaxing thing. So it's a compromise for both of you.

And I would talk to your 3yo as you do to your husband, i.e. like to an adult. I only have a 16mo but I am amazed every day how much he understands. He has no words, not even mama (3 languages spoken at home), but when I get up in the morning and tell him to please go and get his high chair so we can eat, he just goes. I can also tell him why he is not getting something but give him an alternative, like "you cannot have the kettle, because it is hot but how about I give you a pan and spoon so you can cook". It only works 50/50 but I find that tantrumy often is exactly as mentioned above, their way to deal with us not understanding what they want. So I just keep asking often, "what is it that is making you feel unwell, what would you like ME to do to feel better". Maybe an experiment for you, I mean we have nothing to lose :)

I find that offering a choice is a good get out in these sort of situations!

So for example it could go like

“Now, we are watching TV. Next, after this episode, we can going to turn the TV off. Then we can go outside or play dolls”

When the episode finishes - “We need to turn the TV off now. Should we use the remote or should I lift you up to press the button?”

In my experience, setting the boundary of what is going to happen but giving some control over HOW it happens can help to avoid the huge kick off. It doesn’t always work (does anything?) and you may have to repeat the choice a few times.

If they keep ignoring or start kicking off, you could say something like “You seem to be having a hard time deciding how we should turn off the TV. Please could you pass me the remote so I can help you?” This might prompt a “No, I want to do it!” Response which, although a bit tantrumy, gets them involved in turning it off!

Hope that makes sense!