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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I feel like a shite mother. What am I supposed to do with a 'biter'?

27 replies

kittycrackles · 07/11/2007 07:21

DD3 22 months, has been becoming more and more 'assertive' these last few weeks.
Yesterday she was truly shocking. She trashed the kitchen , attacked her sibs and bit( badly) 2 little children on their cheeks at playgroup. The mums and leaders at playgroup were so sweet about it. I burst into tears and said I couldn't keep on bringing her if she's going to attack other children.
She used to be such a sweet-natured girl.
Those of you with 'biters' what do you do?
Those of you who've had 'biters'; how long did it last?
Help this makes me feel like such a crap mother

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 07/11/2007 07:24

DS2, 20mths, is a bear of a boy, one minute cute and cuddly, really very sweet and affectionate, the next thumping/pulling hair/screaming, he has only bitten a few times(always DS1 or myself).

I am at wits end, so will be watching this thread with interest.

LoveMyGirls · 07/11/2007 07:28

If at home with my own children i would tap the biters hand and say a firm NO and then totally ignore the biter and lavish attention on the hurt child.

If out i would say NO (and prob still tap on hand despite evil looks from the anti smackers) then i would put her in time out in pushchair so she learns and so i can have a few minutes to apologise and make sure hurt child is ok also then the other parents see you are doing something about it, they will appreciate its only a phase and you are dealing with it.

You are not a shite mother, most kids bite at some stage its how you deal with it that matters.

Hekate · 07/11/2007 07:31

You're not a crap mother. You're really not. So very many kids do this.

You need to train her out of this. One way to do this would be to get a playpen for home and every time she bites or hits, put her in it with a firm NO Biting/hitting/whatever. Then turn your back to her and ignore her. Lift her out after a couple of minutes - but NOT if she is screaming, or she will think her screaming is the reason you got her out and will scream to get her own way in everything!!

If she bites/hits when you are out. Apologise to the person she did it to (and parent) and leave, at once, again with a firm NO biting/hitting etc.

She needsto associate biting and hitting with leaving a fun place and with being put in 'isolation' iyswim.

This takes time to sink in, so don't expect change overnight.

Playpen is better than a time out step as you have to stay with them on the step - holding them, usually, to make them stay. This is attention and the aim of the playpen is to remove all attention.

Of course, this is only for when things have escalated. Spotting the warning signs and distracting/removing from the situation before biting happens is preferable, but it's not always possible to predict.

Hekate · 07/11/2007 07:34

Meant to add, I cannot count the number of places I had to leave - half eaten meal in restaurant, playgroup - once we went to the seaside and got there and turned right round and came home without even getting out of the car!!

They learned.

ok, it took YEARS! but I 'won'

Now I can take them anywhere and know that they will do me proud. And they are autistic, so more prone to bouts of anger and other weird behaviour!!

colditz · 07/11/2007 07:42

Wioth LoveMyGirls, time out for a couple of minutes in the pushchair, firm NO BITING, then drop it.

Some children bite. Mine don't (yet) but it is luck of the draw.

Original poster

kittycrackles · 07/11/2007 07:47

Thanks, for the ideas. A childminder at the playgroup suggested I keep a pram indoors so that she can be straped in when she gets out of control. That way the other children are kept safe and she gets 'punnished'. I mourn the loss of my cuddly baby . She is also a hefty lass, weighs as much as her 4 year old sister, so I think people expect her to behave in an older child way iyswim.
At the playgroup yesterday it was like watching Christopher Lee in action.
She went to 'cuddle' this little boy from behind. She wrapped her arms around him, placed her face next to his and then opened her mouth very, very wide. I shouted so loudly at her to stop that the entire room fell silent.

OP posts:

Original poster

kittycrackles · 07/11/2007 07:48

Also the more i tell her off the louder she laughs

OP posts:

Shannaratiger · 07/11/2007 07:48

My dd's 4, her playgroup teacher told me yesterday that this term she has bitten at playschool.
before then it was only me she bit, i don't know what to do & i definately feel like a bad mother as she wouldn't dare when dp is around.

oranges · 07/11/2007 07:56

My 20 month old starts biting when he is over excited or tired. Telling him off doesn't work, but saying 'no biting', then putting him down somwhere and then refusing to look at him or speak to him for a few minutes does. Don't get emptional about it yourself - it will hamper your ability to deal witht he situation. It really is not such a big deal.

Chopster · 07/11/2007 09:10

I can understand how it has upset you, but you must try not to make a fuss, or she will jsut do it more for the attention. dt2 is a biter, has been for prob a year now! Thankfully he doesn't bite strangers now though, jsut his twin, because they do get very frustrated with each other.

We have a naughty step or a time out chair, and he goes there if he bites. It has helped a lot, and he doesn't do it very often now, but he can't seem to help himself when he is worked up - it's usually in the middle of wrestling over a toy rather than a deliberate action.

I think some toddlers do jsut go through this phase and they need to be given the tools to cope with their own temper. dt1 can get very worked up, but the naughty step gives him somewhere for time out to cool down, and from an early age (prob about 18mnths) he started taking himself there in a mood and cooling off on his own. He isn't so naughty, but he knows that angry behaviour isn't tolerated and he needs to go and calm down.

Just remember the mantra, 'this too will pass'...

kittyletteItBe · 07/11/2007 09:17

Kittycrackles, my son has been doing this lately too.

He attacked his cousin 3 times with a day and Im sorry to say he actully left bruises and marks on his cheeks

I was mortified - crying for days. He wasn't agressive , he was fine one miniute then loony the next.

I too am scared to have him near any kids now

Original poster

kittycrackles · 07/11/2007 13:17

Kittylette, I know what you mean about keeping away from other children. Sometimes i feel i'd like to muzzle her. You can't relax. We're supposed to be going to music tomorrow. i'll see what happens, fingers crossed.

OP posts:

kittyletteItBe · 07/11/2007 13:19

My aunts bringing her little boy round soon and I feel really awful when hes here, I cant see her constantly watching, just as i would in a reversed situation! But it still makes me feel shite.

Hes a lovely little boy, I think he just gets over excited.

yomellamoHelly · 07/11/2007 13:30

My brother has this same problem with his 18 month old ds at the moment. With my ds1 I'd grab him by his arms and hold them to his sides and do a very firm NO. Then I'd time him out, which was either the naughty step or strapping into the pushchair depending on where we were. Once we also left where we were because he did it again.
I always wondered if it was to do with having too much energy for him to know what to do with himself. I therefore would take him to the park and playground each morning and afternoon for a good run around and let off steam. It's only now he's reached 4 that he's stopped wanting to do this.
I have to be honest and say his behaviour to date (touchwood) has always been excellent and I believe it's down to this.

kittyletteItBe · 07/11/2007 13:32

I do that, hold him firm and say NO NO BITING , and he goes in the highchair,

but TBH he just laughs really

Its like he doesnt care, I know hes only 18 months but surely a sharp loud no should provoke somethingother than a smile??

katieelh · 07/11/2007 13:44

All three of my children have bitten, and it is awful so i really feel for you.I know that there will be some that disagree but i was at my wits end when this was sugested to me and it worked very quickly (we had been trying the naughty corner and a firm NO,which wasnt working).Every time one of my twins bit, i put a dab of viniger on their tounge and said no biting,I only needed to do it a couple of times.

yomellamoHelly · 07/11/2007 13:47

So is he doing it to get your attention then do you think, if he thinks it's all a game? Would it be worth approaching it from that angle?

Yummers · 07/11/2007 13:59

Kittycrackles - lots sympathy and empathy as my dd is EXACTLY the same! she's 20 months and like your dd was a very cuddly, sweet baby, but also like yours is big for her age, and powerful, so whens she decides she's going to bite someone they don't stand a chance. Like you i'm running low on ideas, so not much advice i'm afraid, but just to let you know there's someone else going through exactly the same thing. I end each day covered in bite marks, I tell her off and she just thinks its hilarious. i'd love to know why some kids bite and others dont becuase it doesn't seem to be anything we've 'done' iyswim?

Niecie · 07/11/2007 14:01

They do grow out of it. My DS2 used to do it - mainly to the family not other people's children. I would tell him very sternly that people don't bit each other and it was a very bad thing to do and then I walked away from him and ignore him which he absolutely hated. He had probably grown out of it by 2.3 yrs. Once he stopped that though, he took to throwing things, toys mainly, at people and for one so small he was a very good shot. He gets taken outside/home for that as well. He is 4 now and although being a boy he likes a bit of rough and tumble he is actually quite civilised when out (he is bound to do something to prove me completely wrong now).

You are not a crap mother at all. It isn't your fault and they all do something they shouldn't do and show you up at some point.

Original poster

kittycrackles · 07/11/2007 14:02

hmm, vinegar...... might put some in a little bottle.......

OP posts:

moopymoo · 07/11/2007 14:10

my 2 have both been, er, boistrous biters shall we say. Ds1 is now 9 and lovely bright boy. ds2 at 3 is still a little monster who will bite , push , throw etc etc. i remove him from the situation, try to keep to routine, watch very carefully sugar in diet, plenty of sleep and fresh air. he is improving. and i am sure he will grow out of it, he is doing already. I would never ever smack or 'tap' him seems too close to mimicking his own bad behaviour. and the vinegar on the tongue is a bit imo. 'twill with patience and time. it does not make you a bad mother, oh no.

Pollyanna · 07/11/2007 14:17

i have got a biter. she started just before she was 2. She is now 2.10 and it has (I think) stopped - so that is the first message - it is only a phase

I know that doesn't help you much now though.

It was hell going to toddler groups - I had to follow my dd3 round really closely and I didn't enjoy going - I never got to speak to anyone. But that is the only answer - stick to your dd3 like glue. Strangely my dd3 didn't bite her siblings, just other children (and usually ones that are younger than her!). If my dd3 had 100% of my attention she was less likely to bite.

My experience is that other parents are not particularly understanding, but that it is the parent of the biter that gets the most upset about it.

Original poster

kittycrackles · 07/11/2007 15:04

dd3 bit the baby's toes this afternoon so I put some vinegar on her tongue. She thought it was very funny. I asked her if she wanted some more. She said "no"

OP posts:

Chopster · 08/11/2007 11:29

vinegar?
dt2 also adores eating raw onion and would probably take to drinking the vinegar, so I don't think vinegar would get me very far even if I did think ti was a good idea.

Chopster · 08/11/2007 11:29

now chilli....

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