Is this bullying or just something children have to learm to live with?

[perpetualworrier]

DS1 has always been fairly quiet child and found the social aspect of school quite difficult to begin with.

Now in Y2 he has a small group of close friends and, according to the teacher, is generally friendly and well liked among the others too.

One of the "friends", a girl who I know has some learning and behavioural difficulties has been hurting him for some time. To begin with it was general things, such as pushing or name calling, which I told him to ignore. He himself has a very strong sense of right and wrong, so ignoring someone doing "wrong" doesn't come easily to him and I don't think he's been following this advice.

Anyway last week he came home with a note about a bump on his head, which he said was caused by this girl pushing him against the fence and today he's got scratches all up his arms, inflicted by the same girl.

If it was someone else's child, my advice would be that there's nothing to be gained by interfering and that he needs to learn to deal with this himself, but am I letting him down if I take this approach.

I'm also worried that his reaction to these incidents might be making him look a bit of a wet blanket in the eyes of the other children, as I think there have been a lot of tears, although the school has never said anything to me, apart from the note about the bump, but that didn't say how it happened.

a child getting hurt at school is not acceptable. maybe the girls support needs are not being met - however if i was you - this wouldnt be my concern but rather the safety and wellbeing of my son - i would write trez stiff letter saying just that

What is the school doing about making sure your ds feels safe at school? I think it sounds terrible that a child is doing that to him, regardless of learning difficulties. Perhaps you should think of it the other way round; would you find it ok if your ds was behaving the same way as the girl in his class?

Thank's custardo, why would you write, rather than call in at the school office in the first instance?

I know I need to do something, but I worried that his Mummy getting involved might just make it worse for him? I was hoping to do something low key to begin with.

No, I don't think your ds should 'learn to live' with this. It's nasty and the school have a duty to protect the emotional and physical well being of the children in their care.

You're right Bessie, I would be horrified, but what could I actually do, when I'm not there?

That really is a hard one. I would talk to his teacher about this, perhaps without him knowing and ask their advice. The teachers may not even know this is going on.

Hi - your ds is in Yr2 so he is 5 or 6 years old?

You must step in. Do not worry about interfering or about him looking like a 'wet blanket'. He is too little to sort this out by himself.

I would start by talking to the class teacher to find out what she knows, and take it from there.

I suspect you're right charlie, or at least not the full extent. Most instances seem to be at lunchtime and they seem to have a lot of different dinner ladies, so most it's treated as a one off. i.e not the end of the world if she's pushed you once, but if it's been every day for the last 2 weeks...

Whatever the girl's difficulties are, they are not your son's problem (and I say this as the mother of 2 kids with sn). You need to go into the school and demand that your son be protected. They need to deal with the girl and you should not feel your son just has to put up with being treated badly.

If one of my sons was treating another child like this I would want to be told so that I could deal with it, with the school. I would NEVER expect that my kids could be allowed to hurt another child, regardless of their sn.

The school should not brush your concerns aside and should have procedures in place to deal with behavioural problems.

i would write becuase it seems more formal. it is something they will know you have a copy of and something which is dated.

ki find this beats the shit out of talking to school receptionist 50 times before having some wanky non commital conversation with the class teacher and then before you know it 6 months has gone y nothing has happened and you do it all again.

Thank you all so much for your quick replies.

I think I will go and see if I can talk to the head tommorrow, while he's at school, does this seem like a good idea, or will the teacher be put out that I didn't talk to her first?

I have to say that I have never had any complaints with the school and the reason I have left it as long as I have is that it dosn't seem to have made him unhappy. He's never once said he doesn't want to go.

What actual action should I expect from them?

I'm with you on the non committal talk with the teacher custado. I do sympathise to some extent though. If it's becuase the girl's needs need more support, what can the teacher do about it?

Seems a bit hard to write before talking to anyone at all though?

My main concern is that I will make a big fuss and nothing will change except, I get a reputation for myself and my son. What sanctions can the school use against her?

perpetualworrier - it may not be a question of sanctions. If this girl has SN and can't work/play alongside other children without being violent and/or aggressive, it may be that the school has to give her additional support. The LEA has specific funding for this and the school can set the wheels in motion.

Trouble is I'm not sure that she is like that with "other children" I think it's just my DS. Tempted to call some other parents and find out what their experience is, but worried at the reaction this might get.

I would definitely talk to the teacher. She may not be aware (but probably is as I would lay money your DS is not the only one that this child is hitting). Talking to the teacher will bring it to her attention and help to to help your DS deal with it.

I would then tell your DS that if it happens again he should tell the teacher. And tell the teacher you have told him this. Then if it keeps happening you can write a letter.

We had issues over the last 2 years with a boy in DS's class. He was fine when they were in nursery but them when they moved up to Reception he became a real problem child. It wasn't helped by the fact that my DS liked this boy! Anyway - every time there was an incident I spoke to the teacher and she dealt with it and involved the parents (was tricky as the Mum is a friend and was at a loss as to what to do). Finally last year there was a really ugly incident where this boy lay in wait for my DS after an incident playing football and kicked my DS in the stomach. I spoke to the mothers of 2 other boys who saw what happened to clarify exactly what had gone on and then I spoke to the teacher. She thought the kick had happened in the football game. She brought the parents in and the child was dealt with. I also warned her that I had told my DS that if this boy ever did anything like that again he had my full permission to do it back to him twice as hard - and that if he didn't I would. I told teacher I knew it wasn't politcally correct but that I really didn't care.

He never did it again.

I know it isn't right and I know you can't do that in your situation but it made me feel better. And I think it got the point across just how annoyed I was - had been understanding for 2 years but this was moving up a gear.

Look, whatever the reason, it doesn't sound like your ds's fault. I don't think it's at all over the top to make a fuss; why should your ds suffer because the school is not doing its duty? When you go for a talk with the teacher, you will be making the school aware of the problem and giving it an opportunity to deal with this girl's behaviour. I don't think you should worry about what the school can do about the problem yet - that is the next stage.

Sorry - waffled off the topic a bit!

i think i'm on my own here but i would tell ds not to stand for it, and to keep away from her and tell a teacher immediately if it does happen and i definitely wouldn't stand for it myself. i know it's a delicate situation because you don't want him to look 'weedy' or lose friends but surely the alternative of him just putting up with it indefinitely is much, much worse? i always wished my mother had been one of the ones to 'go down the school' when i was being bullied, but she never did, and it went on and on and on...

You need to speak to the teacher, does this little girl have a LSA? Someone needs to keep an eye on what she is doing

My DS1 came home with loads of scratches on his arm in Y3, and it turned out one particular boy was shoving and kicking him etc. With a lot of trepidation I went in after school and had a quiet word with the teacher. She was very 'old school' and I thought I would be told that it was '6 of one, half a dozen of the other', or I was making a mountain out of a mole hill etc. But actually as soon as I said 'DS has come home with scratches on his arm' she said 'that's not on, I'll have a word with the boy and tell him to stop'! And it did stop after that. What I'm saying is, I agonised about it like yourself, but actually a non-confrontational chat with the form teacher was pretty OK and it worked! Of course it depends on the teacher and there are extra issues here, but I'm sure the teacher wouldn't want this to carry on.

Right _- This is the plan

When I drop DS at school tommorrow, I will tell the teacher I have concerns about some incidents at lunchtime and does she mind if I speak to head - so she doesn't think I went straight over her head.

Then I will ask for some time with the head, while DS is in school. From what I know of the school and the head, I think they will be supportive, but if not I will start writing letters.

Thank you all so much for helping me think this through.

my ds1 got hurt by kid in his class last year whilst in year 1, i was not happy but thought it was just one of those playground things. the following week he got sent home with another bad bump to head and note from nurse, same kid had done it. i wrote to class teacher immediately and asked for action. at this age i personally don't think they are big enough to sort the situation out themselves and the teachers need to be sorting it out. don't see why the child having SN means they get to beat up other kids. i've not had any negative repercussions from writing to teacher and would do same again.

Don't ring other parents (chinese whispers- gets out of control) but do go direct to the school. When my ds (SN) was hurting children in nursery many years ago the nursery were of the opinion they'd be more worried if it was one child being singled out.

The LEA won't give funding for additional support easily (especially outside lesson times) & it may be in the child's interest that other parents 'notice' that she is not 'coping' unsupported in the playground.

Inclusion is crap because it is so difficult for the correct support to be obtained. If you don't get anywhere with the school becasue of the SN aspect you would be perfectly within your rights to write to the LEA and complain that a child with additional needs is not being supported appropriately (look on your council's website and write to whoever is in charge of education). I wish more parents of NT kids would write (in a reasonable way ) to complain tbh because the current situation regarding SN is a shambles and it won't change without complaints.

DS1 has SN and I would not expect him to get away with hurting another child, He was bullied for 4 years by one child in his class to the point where the parents threatened me and in the end I had the child, his father and his fathers half brother arrested (yes I had a child arrested and I would do it again.

This is something you must make the school deal with ASAP and hopefully it will settle down and your DS will not have to put up with it any more.

I went into the school today. Spoke to class teacher 1st, who promised to keep eye on things in class.

Then I went to the office. Head not in this am, but I spoke to the Home School Liason Officer, whose job it is deal with these situations.

I've given her as many examples as I can remember and she's going to speak to some of the dinnerladies today and I'm going back at 3pm to see what she's found out.

Apparently there's been a change of dynamic in his group and there's been some competition over who's his best friend!

I feel much better for having been so thanks again for your support.