Please tell me how I should handle this.

[NAB3littlemonkeys]

DD age 4, at school mornings only. Very bright, stubborn and knows her own mind.

Yesterday was cross about something but wouldn't speak to me, sent to her room which she wrecked. All sorted.

Making lunch and I asked her if she wanted pitta bread or toast. No answer so I made toast as that is what DS2 said he wanted. Gave her her meal which she pushed away and refused to eat. She said she said she didn't want toast. I said okay, she could eat the rest. Starts messing about at the table, moving everything and being a pest.

After yesterdays performance I decided this needed nipping in the bud so I carried her upstairs to her room and she tried to kick me and grab everything she could on the way. Came down and there was huge banging from her room. She had pulled her bed guard out and dropped it on the floor, clean uniform on the floor, her party dress down the stairs and her brothers basket upended.

I have put her to bed.

She sounds just like my little DD (who is 4 next week). She is in nursery in the mornings for 2 1/2 hours, and then a day nursery while I am at work.
We have terrible issues with her stubborness and her flouncing around saying "I'm not your friend anymore"

Sometimes I find it best to completely ignore the shouts, hitting and spitting etc - as if I reward her with naughty step etc it just makes her worse. If we ignore completely, no eye contact at all- sometimes its a bit better.

Rest of the time, she is a sweetie

To an extent you need to stand firm when she is displaying what you see to be unacceptable behaviour - boundaries are a good thing, and while all kids test the boundaries sometimes to see what they can get away with, you need to make sure you don't budge.
But having said that, kids are EXHAUSTED in their first term at Reception - there are all sorts of social and practical pressures on them that they may not have had to deal with before. And 4 year olds, IME, throw more strops and push their luck more often than teenagers - I don't know what happens, but it can be scary to watch . So she's probably tired, a bit stressed and just being 4 - don't make it into something bigger than it needs to be, and don't let her know that her behaviour winds you up because then she will just keep pushing the right buttons.

Hassled speaks wise words. At this age they get frustrated with so many things and you are often the only person they take it out on.

I go against the grain in terms of dealing with it and think that you should try to respond with cuddles, not punishment. I know that the world revolves around reward charts and so on but I think when they are finding their feet socially at reception they need to know that their mum loves them unconditionally, no matter how they behave....

Saying that, I don't think my approach makes it any easier to deal with from the point of view of peace in the household

Okay. Will let her come down to play now. Though she is playing quietly upstairs so maybe some time alone may be good???

Sounds familiar with both my dds (3.5 and 6). I don't have much advice other than what the others have already said.

We have a two warning system - two warning then off to their room, in room for 5 mins then allowed to carry on as normal.
It works most times but not when they are tired or hungry as they can't control their emotions and things get out of hand. At this stage I try to ignore things and leave the room for a few minutes.

I also find with DD1 that when she gets home from school she needs to be left alone for half and hour with TV and a snack before she is ready to engage....just tireness I guess.

She is laid on bed.

She isn't the type to let you hug her when she is like this.

I accept she must be tired from school but there are certain things I will not tolerate and throwing her food is one of them. I wasn't bothered about her engaging. She had been absolutely fine until I gave her her lunch.

I guess she will eat her tea!

Give her a hug later and explain what it mand you cross. Leave it at that unless something else happens.

*sorry 'made' you cross

Well, I triple checked what she wanted for lunch today and it all passed off without incident! I gave her 3 marbles for her tub and she is very happy.