How do you help a child that doesn't want to be helped.......

[KaySamuels]

even if they can't physically do / don't know how to do it, etc.

I have a new mindee, a 3 year old girl, who is very independant and feisty, and for instance wants to change the channel, push my buggy withheavy ds in it, open the play cd roms on pc, etc - with absouletly no help at all.

Earlier on I changed the channel while she thought she changed it with a dumm remote, I have her pushing a dolls bugy outdoors instead of trying to push my buggy,me starting her zips off, etc. So there are ways around it but I am new to this behaviour/charcter, and don't know how to help without offending her

Does anyone have a child who is similar who could offer me tips maybe??? Please!

My dd1 is exactly like this and will get really angry if you do anything for her. I find the best thing (My mum's idea) is to get her to help you i.e. put your coat/shoes on then you can help her but you are equal.
Must be even harder when mindee, maybe trying to assert her presence if she is older than your own dc.

Thanks charlie33. She is a few months older than my ds, same size, on same wavelength which is nice, but my ds is so laid back he's almost horizontal and is a typical boy, would happily let me do everything for him! So I am not used to her character at all!

I do think she would get very angry if I insisted, like your dd, if you try to help without negotiating it she will shove your hand away!

I like the idea of her helping me too, she would like that as she is very tactile, only had her with me a week and she gave me a huge hug when I just dropped her off at nursery.

I'm worrried how she is actually going to learn to do some things though if she never lets anyone show her! She is very proud!

Kay, I agree with charlie that asking her to help you may be a really good way. She gets to feel independent and grown up and may feel more comfortable with the idea of you helping her with some things. Also perhaps promote the idea of you being a good 'team' - as in, let's do so and so together, and then make a big fuss about how fab it is to do things as a team. Maybe use a 'high five!' type thing as a little fun celebration of good stuff you've done together, she might enjoy that.

I do recognise her character, my ds has been a challenge in the past with not wanting to be shown how to do stuff - and I have thought EXACTLY what you did, about him not actually learning if he won't let himself be helped or shown!

The lolly pop lady at school high fives the kids and they all think she is fab! DS cried on the way home from nursery because she had already gone!

Thanks for the advice both of you, will give it a go.

My dd can be like this - she's nearly 4, so easier to reason with now, but when she has got it into her head to Be A Big Girl, look out

I agree, asking her to help helps. Also, giving her a task to be responsible for eg carrying plates to dishwasher at end of meal, especially when you want to distract her from something you need to do yourself!

Sometimes, though, I have to put my foot down and just say 'you are a very strong/clever/able/big girl but sometimes, Mummy needs to do things herself too. This is MY job/turn'. She might huff for a minute, but I also catch small smiles and sighs or relief when she thinks I'm not looking - being a Big Girl can get a bit scary and tiring at times

BTW, you sound like a lovely CM

Thanks elibean, you are right she must get frustated sometimes. Like the idea of aknowledging what a big girl she is to soften the blow!

I have put my foot down over some things, mainly for safety reasons such as pushing my push chair with ds in it.

DS2's like this. He's only 21mo though.

2 almost 3 year old ds3 is like this. I help him on the sly, and also ask him to help me a lot. After 2 very laid back boys it's a shock (and a PITA )

hunker, dd2 is even more like this than dd1 she's of the 'no spoon unless I'm holding it* sort, from the start.

So when your ds is 3, I'll be lurking looking for ideas to use with dd2

My dd is just like this. The good news is that they grow into their abilities and realization of what they can and can't do. She is now 5 and much better than when she was 3. It's very important for my dd to be in control of her own environment and that is often mistaken for bossiness or willfulness. She's actually quite obedient, she just needs to know very clearly what is expected of her and what is going to happen to her or her environment.
A few hints for dealing with a child like that:

1. Never do something to them without telling them what you are going to do....ie. If you are going to put her sweater on to go out, say "I'm putting your sweater on now as we are going out and it is cold outside." That doesn't mean you have to give her an option of whether or not she wants to have a sweater on, but you are letting her know that something is going to happen to change her environment. Dh once used his control to close her car window as he was driving onto the freeway and she screeched bloody murder for miles...I tried to explain to him, that she wasn't angry that she had a closed window, but rather than the window had been closed without telling her that it was going to happen. A simple "I am going to close your window now as we are going onto the freeway and it will be windy" would have been far less contentious.
2. Always let them try to do something themselves first, even if you know that they won't be able to manage it on their own. For example, dd was trying to tie her own shoelaces from age 3 or so. She has only just managed to do it on her own last week and she's now just 5. Although, ds would have long ago been discouraged by constantly failing at something, dd is driven by the need to keep trying until she can do it, even if it takes 2 years. I find that it works to let her try for awhile and then say, "we're running out of time, let me do it now and you can try again tomorrow."

And just to reiterate, I am not a proponent of negotiating or letting children tell adults what to do, however, that's not the same thing as letting a child control their own environment within the constraints of an adult's rules. And also remember, this only works with a very specific type of child (which it sounds like you have in your mindee)...my ds would look at me like I was crazy if I tried telling him that I was going to put his sweater on before I put it on him.