Difficult 7 year old - quick question from MN jury

[Notquitegrownup]

DS1 is being hugely challenging at home and has been since turning 7 - six months ago. He is very rude/dismissive of me - it's really like living with a teenager. There are some problems in his class at school with a rather violent boy, whom ds1 struggles to be near, but this has gone on for 3.5 years and can't be an excuse for how he is treating me. We need a new strategy and I am tempted to say no more karate, which he likes a lot, until behaviour improves. It's twice a week so he can earn his treat there, or not. (There is nothing else which he really enjoys, other than PS2 which is strictly rationed already.)

However, if he doesn't go, or can't override his attitude, then he is losing the one thing that gives him a real sense of achievement in himself.

Am I heading down the wrong road?

I would stop his karate. Particularly if he's having problems with a violent boy at school. I would talk to the school and find out if anything has changed. Sometimes if children are having problems in one area they hit out at the people they love and trust. I wouldn't break that trust by turning on him. When he is in a more gentler moment could you talk to him and find out what's bothering him. Tell him how you're finding his behaviour upsetting and ask him if he needs any help with anything. That's what I'd do and see what comes of it.

Sorry that should be wouldn't stop his karate.

Thanks Juule. I am definitely in two minds about this.

However, you have helped me realise something. Things are slightly better at school rather than worse, with this lad, who is learning to keep his fists to himself - although not always succesfully The thing that has changed is that ds2 is getting older - now 4 - and won't be bossed around so much. So ds1, who does like getting his own way, isn't - at school or at home now. He's disgruntled/angry, wants to be in charge -and is taking it out on me.

Does that change your advice?

Not a great deal. I still think that talking it out with him during one of his better moments could help. However, if he does start being nasty I would be pointing that out to him at the time and telling him that you would speak to him when he got some manners. When he's dismissive of you, perhaps let it go at that point at a time when he's asking you for something point out to him that you are helping him and we all need help at times, including you and doesn't he think things would be much nicer if we all helped each other, including being nicer to his younger brother. Explain that he can show his younger brother how it's nicer to behave well to each other.
Would something along those lines help at all?
It possibly is to do with the fact that he now has competition in the form of his younger brother.

Has his attitude changed at school also? It might be worth speaking to the teacher about your concerns. I have absolutely no advice tho' as my ds1 is an absolute pain at the moment as well. You have my sympathy.

Thanks ladies. We do have these chats periodically, but I will give it another go, and let you know. We can always talk at bedtime, when he leaves all of his anger downstairs. It's a lovely time of the day. I just wish I could send him upstairs for bed at 4pm each day!!

He is an angel at school - apart from occasionally (deliberately) winding up this chap, whom he has put up with for so long.

However, he's really pushing it at home and is sooo negative about everything. He doesn't want to go out, ever - until he's there and then, of course, he enjoys whatever he was trying not to go to! He's constantly digging at his brother - normal, I know - and at me. He's just so grumpy to live with all of the time, until a friend comes round, when he is cheerful with the friend and rude to me.

OK vent over! Best of luck with your 7yo Cornsilk. I think that 7 is the new teenage, personally!