4yr Old Tantrums

[charlie33]

My 4 year old has tantrums from the moment she gets up in the morning to the moment she goes to bed at night with very little break. Every time I speak to her or ask her to do something she kicks off. I know she is very tired as she and her sister (18mths) get up at 6 every morning and refuse to go back to bed. She screams and kicks and hiots me, yesterday she even spat at me. I have tried everything I can think of but am unable to do anything calmly and spend most of the day trying to not shout with mixed success. Any one has any advice it would be gladly recieved.

blimey you have my sympathy, it sound very difficult

I would decide on a method of discipline that she doesn't like

e.g. sitting in the hall until she is calm

and try to make the rest of the time as positive as possible

make sure she has lots of fresh air and a nap/early night

and regular food

Yeh, time out does seem to work the best when I can handle it nicely, if I scream and shout things get 10 times worse.
Have also just started a sticker chart. Food is a big prob in this house and both are usually hungery which can't help the sleep thing.
I think I need to pick one problem at a time to deal with, but which one first?

Dont ask her to do anything. tell her shes going to do it. No choice about it, but pick your fights, if she argues about EVERYTHING, stuff her in her clothes and wash her face and brush her teeth without arguing about it...just do it for her instead of trying to persuade her IYKWIM.
Food also, offer it without fuss/reasoning/asking and talk about the telly or whatever, dont be drawn into an arguement about what she doesnt like.
My 4 year old was like this, shes now nearly 10, she didnt sleep much either...You have my sympathy.

Thanks, my mum always says I give her to much choice, trying to develop her independence but obviously not really working, I try to pick my fights and let her get away with a lot just to avoid the fight.
her little sis has just started copying and now screams until she is sick if doesn't get her own way. I need to put a stop to it before the behaviour is passed down.

bump

Charlie, hows the sticker chart going? I find that positive reinforcement (aka bribery ) really work well in encouraging good behaviour.

My DS1 is also 4 and we use time-out and taking away priviledges (such as watching tv) for bad behaviour.

Pick which behaviours are completely unacceptable to you and tackle those first (e.g the hitting, kicking and spitting). Then move on to the shouting and screaming.

I also make it clear to DS1 that unless he asks for something in a 'normal' voice - withhout rudeness or whining, then I will ignore him.

It's very hard and I do feel for you - good luck x

Has she always been like this or has something changed lately?

I have also tried the choice thing with my 3 year old but tbh he always goes for the 3rd choice - ie something I haven't offered. I too now go for the just get him dressed/pin down brush teeth in a very matter of fact manner.
Do your best to find something that she enjoys and praise the good behaviour even if it is one thing in a day.

It must be very wearing - can you take any time out for yourself ? If you a re-charged then you may find a new perspective on things too.

Only started this sticker chart today although they did both go to bed with no tantrums. She has always been very good at holding down a tantrum, i remember a 4 hr one when she was about 2. Trying to be positive all the time, i know she is really just over tred and hungry. we have the bunny clock thing but that has stopped working. everything seems to work for a week or ao and then she looses interest.
I have plenty of time out and just about live at the gym sometimes. We are also moving house soon which has been talked about a lot, do you think this could be adding to prob?

With promise of stickers both girls stayed in bed till 6.45 this morning ( when bunny woke up) No tantrums as yet this morning. I am feeling v optimistic today. Thanks for advice and support. Don't know if will ast long but is a good start.

hurray! Good luck today!

If you are starting to get stressed then set the timer for 10 minutes and promise yourself that you will be Attentive And Nice Mummy for ten minutes.

I sympathise with you - & with myself.

My 4 year old DD1 is driving me insane. Arguing all the time, being bossy, moaning, whining. She's doing it now.

I think she is also jealous of DD2 who at 16mths is a little angel.

Today we had a battle about her getting dressed, which went on for about an hour.

What we found worked was having a tube in the kitchen, one that has spagetti in it.
When she was well behaved, something was went in the tube & when naughty, something came out. When it was full, she got a prize.

Unfortuantely the whole family, apart from me, has been ill & then our cat had to be put to sleep, so it's lost momentumn.

When I have the energy, maybe today or tomrrow, I'll be starting it again.

Agree wholeheartdly with the telling to do rather than ask.

It just takes so much energy, I am exhausted & don't want to do anything with her because she is such a nightmare. I have secret fantasies about packing my bags & leaving.

Good luck !

Morning Paper, thjat is a fantastic idea for getting some perspective. Mojomummy, sounds like a really hard time in your house at the mo, hope things pick up it's awful when you feel ill on top of everything else.
The sticker chart appears to be working wonders. Have done them before but this time they both have one. I think dd1 is really trying to help her ds get her stickers as well. We are having a really good day today. I only joined mumsnet yesterday and has really helped me to see dd1 behaviour is normal. Thanks

Same behaviour over here with 4.5 yr dd1 . Every day I promise I won't engage and shout, and every day I end up throwing a tantrum too! 11 month old dd2 is of course an angel....

I think some of her behaviour may actually be an expression of the stress in our household at the moment - I've just returned to work, dh is struggling with baby, finances difficult etc, usual stuff but you forget how kids can pick up on it.

There are some things dh and I have decided we want to change:

1. Get down to her level and talk (I do too much standing up and finger wagging!) and listen better.
2. More hugs and praise in good times
3. Ignoring stuff and/or picking up only on important stuff (I have also got into a kind of mealtime/food battle which I promised I wd never do).
4. Set boundaries, even discuss rules, but then stick to them in a firm and gentle way. No discussions/negotiations.
5. Fresh air
6. Give her more jobs - laying the table, putting away the cutlery etc. - she really enjoys helping, but I forget to involve her when I'm rushing about.
7. Try not to think that every bad incident means she and her sister will be damaged forever.

Course, as dh says, we'll still end up having a set-to, but hoping there will be less of them!

I think if you can not join in their tantrums it may not make any diference to their behaviour but you certainly feel better by the end of the day.

Absolutely - it's just so hard.....

Ahhhhhhh, I was having such a great day. Just picked dd1 up from nursery and have bought them both loveley new bedding, dd1 disney princess and dd2 Fifi they were so excited about gouing to bed then dd1 has just peed on dd2's new bed, tears all round now and not quite sure how to handle, I am so angry.

lol oh DEAR! the pigs!

Never mind, having a lovely day until 4pm is good going!

Shove it in the washing machine and start afresh tomorrow... x

Got it washed and dryed before 7pm bedtime, quite proud of myself (and my washer dryer). Has been a fantastic day today, hope we can keep it up. Thanks for all the support.

Yay! well done

What a brill mum!.....

glad your day got better

Mine was better too - after we recovered from the morning tantrum.

I paid lots of attention to good behaviour, told her I was sorry for shouting, but she must behave better & we talked about what was good v naughty behaviour.

Mostly had a good lunch, then a run in the garden, followed by some painting/drawing.

Interestingly when DD2 wanted a cuddle, DD1 FLUNG herself on me.

Tomorrow's another day !

this sounds good, as I am also having the same problem with my 4yr old son, his behaviour is worse ever since i was 5mnths pregnant with 2nd son, the baby is now 5mnths old and i cannot see any improvements! what confuses me isthat he is so well behaved when he's at nursery and pre-school, he is the star of his class! I tried the star chart last week and he was good for 5 days out of 7, but I think that's worn off now and he does not seem to be interested when I mention it again. I have also started to remove luxuries like DVD in his room, perhaps I should start taking away favourite toys etc?