Repairing relationship with 3 year old

[hulloall]

In all honesty, I never bonded with my eldest Daughter. I knew I didn't feel the same way as others when they talked about their babies. I didn't realise the true extent of it until I had my 2nd Daughter and I was overcome with love and wanted to protect her. I just felt like I knew her inside out and knew what to do with her. I always felt a bit awkward being with my eldest in front of other people etc and like I always felt like I was looking after someone else's baby. She still doesn't feel like she is mine.

I try my best to treat both girls the same, but I suspect deep down she realises something isn't right. She very rarely comes to me for affection, never comes to me when she's ill (goes to her Dad). If I try and help when she's ill, she tells me to go away. If I try and cuddle her or spend time with her, she tells me she wants to be on her own. If I walk in to her room in the morning, she will shout at me and tell me to go away. She is quite rude to me and it seems like she can't stand me. I imagine this is completely my fault, but I have no idea how to repair the situation?

I try to give more hugs, more love, try and have fun with her etc, but she just doesn't want me around. What can I do to help this before it ruins both of no ur lives. I feel constant rejection when I try and go near her, so I leave her to it. She probably feels the exact same rejection.

Can you look carefully at the way you are with your younger child? You say you try to give your 3 year old hugs and go and see her in the morning etc but it's possible you're still behaving very differently.

You'll have to double your efforts...lay it on really thick...in order for her to trust you.

How are you getting on OP? I think you should seek professional help with this one - you are at a dangerous cross roads and it sounds like an awful lot of damage has already been done with your DD so you really have to get it right now. She's only little - and it sounds like she already had an awareness of how you felt about her.
Do you love her now? You don't say - not that you can tell the difference in how you feel about both children.
How are you trying to reassure her and show her she is loved?

I have an adopted dd who came to us at 9MO so I totally get where you're coming from completely in the way you feel. I adored my amazing little girl the minute I laid eyes on her but it took some time before I really accepted that I was her mum and that she sees me as her mum. She's almost 3 now and I think on the whole she's well adjusted and happy and loves me but we still have wobbles and I still feel indescribably inadequate and guilty at times. I think incorporating touch is important and that's a primal thing that babies and young kids seek. It is hard sometimes. Mine is very huggy and touchy feely but it still has to be on her terms and it took time in which I just had to take it where I could get it. Play lots of tickly games. Make a massive deal out of bathing them and cleaning them up and incorporate touching and massage as much as you can. Let her in your bed where you can lie and cuddle together and make eye contact. Take it where you can get it basically. You may need to think carefully about parenting style too as if she has a bit of a fractured relationship with you then she might not be as willing to accept regimental instruction and punishment. Kids need connection before they can accept correction. I would look at attachment theory and at attachment style parenting and therapeutic parenting and PACE parenting.There's tonnes of youtube vids etc about all of these. You could also look at the national association of therapeutic parenting website too. I think you have to go with your gut ITO how deep you go with this and how much support you need (and be realistic about how much support you will get) Remember though that attachment is reciprocal. If your instinct is that there's a problem then there probably is a bit of a problem but that doesn't mean it's beyond fixing. I hope this doesn't sound patronising but you've done the absolute best and most loving thing for your daughter by admitting how you feel and it means that you can take positive steps towards healing rather than leaving it til it's too late. Good luck xx

Thank you for all of the replies & Thank you for not being horrible about any of it!

@FortunesFave I think it is very possible that I still do behave quite differently towards them. I can see that I naturally go to hug and kiss my youngest and have her sit on my lap etc, whereas it's like I have to think about doing it with my eldest, rather than it being a natural thing.

@zaffa I definitely love her, but it feels as though I am looking after someone else's child.

@Jannt86 Thank you so, so much for all of the advice. I will definitely look in to the things you have suggested. When I do give her loads of affection and get her to sit on my lap and play and give lots of attention, she is so lovely and loving towards me, and then it seems to go back downhill and it is completely my own fault for letting the affection side of things slip again.

I really do want to try and create a really strong bond with her before this messes her up. If it's not too late for that already.

OP I think it's very important you seek professional help for both of you. It sounds as though you could be suffering some sort of PND - I don't have any experience of it but I have heard a lot from people who have suffered and there are elements of what you have said that seem to resonate.

Please seek help - from a therapist to help you bond and from a doctor or therapist for you to understand why you feel this way. Please do it before iTs too late to fix

And OP - really it sounds like a form of PND - that's not your fault. But you must seek help - you can't repair the relationship until you understand what's happened and help yourself. Good luck OP - it's clear you love her or you wouldn't be looking for ways to make this better

Thank you @zaffa
I think you might be right with PND. I remember finding the birth really traumatic, which I've heard can cause PND. The birth ended in an emergency C section but when I spoke to the midwife after and said I was absolutely gobsmacked with how the labour went, she told me that my experience was really normal and that the baby hadn't been in any distress etc and a lot of women go through way worse. I felt a bit stupid for thinking that it was traumatic. I felt traumatised for about a month after.

I was never tearful or depressed after having her, but I do remember feeling like I was doing everything on autopilot. I can't remember a lot of the first year after having her. It was like I was just surviving. I recall not taking in any of the precious moments. I remember taking her to her first day at nursery and they asked me loads of questions about the things she liked, her personality etc and I recall thinking that she was just a baby and they're all the same. I'm so ashamed to admit that now. I feel the total opposite of that this time round with my youngest baby. I've taken in every moment, I see all of her quirks and know what she likes/dislikes.

You are right in that I need to seek help for this. Thank you

One other thing - I wonder if you let your elder one get away with things and behave badly towards you because you feel guilty that you don't have the same bond? You let her shout at you and tell you to go away for example. I think you need to put in boundaries to ensure she treats you respectfully, don't let her behave badly towards you because you feel you some how deserve it. She may be picking up on the fact that you don't seem to respect yourself and it's important that she sees you have self respect and boundaries so she grows up knowing she should have them too. x

@hulloall

Thank you *@zaffa* I think you might be right with PND. I remember finding the birth really traumatic, which I've heard can cause PND. The birth ended in an emergency C section but when I spoke to the midwife after and said I was absolutely gobsmacked with how the labour went, she told me that my experience was really normal and that the baby hadn't been in any distress etc and a lot of women go through way worse. I felt a bit stupid for thinking that it was traumatic. I felt traumatised for about a month after.

I was never tearful or depressed after having her, but I do remember feeling like I was doing everything on autopilot. I can't remember a lot of the first year after having her. It was like I was just surviving. I recall not taking in any of the precious moments. I remember taking her to her first day at nursery and they asked me loads of questions about the things she liked, her personality etc and I recall thinking that she was just a baby and they're all the same. I'm so ashamed to admit that now. I feel the total opposite of that this time round with my youngest baby. I've taken in every moment, I see all of her quirks and know what she likes/dislikes.

You are right in that I need to seek help for this. Thank you

Oh OP please don't blame yourself or think you were being silly. From what I've heard PND is awful and it affects people differently - everything you are saying is screaming PND at me but I'm not a professional. But please don't take the blame on you - it's no different to getting physically sick - you wouldn't have been to blame had you had a post section infection that landed you back in hospital or something and it's the same thing. It's not a choice you made. I wish you all the best and some very unmumsnetty hugs and hand holding. And I think you can be traumatized by something someone else isn't and that is perfectly normal - we all react differently and it's not something you should have been made to feel ashamed about. You can get them to get your notes and talk you through what happened properly too if that would help.

@hulloall I would just try and stay calm at the times she is rejecting you and try and give her reassurance that you love her no matter what her behaviour. It sounds like she's just pushing back a bit to see whether if she pushes you too far you will reject her so you need to try and show her that your love has no limit if that makes sense. Eventually the good times should start to outbalance the bad but it's a marathon not a sprint. If you do screw up a bit (which we all do) then be sure to apologise and tell her so x

That sounds so hard OP but you’re clearly a very caring parent to recognise what is happening.
It sounds highly likely to be a form of pnd to me. Perhaps you could look into if it’s possible to afford some attachment-based play therapy sessions? It could be really helpful to have a skilled therapist give you some strategies for strengthening your bond with your Dd.