How do you compensate for non-socialisation of babies?

[fairyannie]

I'm desperately looking for advice.

My granddaughter was born at the start of the first lockdown, 6wks premature, had surgery within 12 hrs of birth, in NICU for 6 wks and had several huge setbacks/complications. She came home on oxygen.

My daughter and her partner were advised to shield as my daughter was visiting NICU every day (alone). I did their shopping and errands for five months. Only saw my granddaughter through the window at first. Then in the garden/outside from July to September.

They came to our house on Christmas Day - this has been the only time they've visited me. They have followed all lockdown rules rigidly. Since the under 1yr bubble was announced I have been to their house three times a week because I knew my daughter had to start some 'keep in touch' days at work in January and I needed to spend time with my granddaughter to get to know her. I now know my granddaughter's daily routine. I have been to look after my granddaughter on my own half a day a week since the beginning of January . She has always cried when mum leaves the house and at first this was short lived. As time has gone on she has been crying more and more.

Today was absolutely horrendous. Nothing I could do to distract her would stop her from crying. She screamed. She fell asleep for 20 mins whilst I was pacing up and down with her. She then continued to scream. I went out with her in the pushchair - she screamed, fell asleep for 20 min, then screamed.

I had to put her down and leave her screaming to make lunch. She screamed in the high chair. Screamed on the sofa. Screamed on my knee. Food was thrown. Water bottle was knocked out my hand. Wouldn't have her medicine.

I needed the bathroom at this point so put her down in her cot - screaming. Picked her up and she pointed to the window - I held her on the windowsill and she stopped and settled a little.

I took her downstairs - screaming. Collected was was left of her lunch and she ate it being held on her bedroom windowsill. When she stopped screaming my ears were ringing.

Mummy arrived home - I told her what happened. My daughter was so upset and trying to hold back tears.

We concluded that it's because my granddaughter doesn't know me very well and has not spent a huge amount of time with me as would've happened if not for lockdown. My daughter and I are incredibly close and FaceTime daily. My granddaughter hasn't been to baby groups and doesn't know any family because we have been in a high tier then lockdown since November. Maternity leave has been dire.

My heart aches for my daughter as she is dreading next week as it's her first full day at work (full time from May).

How can we avoid a repeat occurrence?

I absolutely did everything I could possibly think of to console my granddaughter and to try to distract her.

I looked after my almost 5yr old granddaughter when my other daughter went back to work when her baby was 5 months old. I thoroughly enjoy baby minding and I love spending time with my grandchildren. I gave up work to look after my first granddaughter full time. Now I work part time from home.

To be totally honest I am not looking forward to next weeks 'session'. I feel so bad. I've never encountered anything like this before.

What can we do to avoid this terrible upset?

I would try not to mix this up with lockdown and the difficult start your granddaughter had.

My elder DD was born in normal times and was exactly the same with my Mother in Law who looked after her when I worked.

My Mother in Law is wonderful with babies...absolutely amazing but DD screamed and yelled like this for quite a few times when I first went back.

It got better....by the time DD was 18 months old, she was obsessed with her Gran...it's awful for you to listen to that noise and of course, upsetting that you can't calm her but it won't be like that every time.

How old is she now?

Also, you could wear earplugs....you'll still hear her but it will stop your poor ears from ringing! She may repeat the performance or she may be fine. She also could have been having a bad day..any chance she's teething?

Thank you so much.

She's 11 months.

She was so good at first. Cried a little when mummy left but was fine shortly afterwards. So happy, funny, curious, adventurous, non-stop, just wonderful really.

This sort of got worse gradually over the past 8 wks.

She is teething!

Her top gums look so dark and sore - she's just cut top two teeth and looks like next two top teeth are about to erupt.

But she's fine with mum 🤔

I'm a mom to a nearly 6 month old and deep down I'm dreading in a few months time, but from reading your post and seeing how good you have been to your daughter and grandaughter for the many months they needed you and the fact you cuddled and tried to console her all day, I'd be so touched that someone other than me was so compassionate and sympathetic to my child. I hope it does get better and by the sounds of it she's in good hands being looked after by you, try not to let it get you down it's obviously not personal, my daughter looks for me every minute of the day out the corner of her eye, it must be so hard for them as they're parents are all they really know with everything going on x

@Poppet12345

I'm a mom to a nearly 6 month old and deep down I'm dreading in a few months time, but from reading your post and seeing how good you have been to your daughter and grandaughter for the many months they needed you and the fact you cuddled and tried to console her all day, I'd be so touched that someone other than me was so compassionate and sympathetic to my child. I hope it does get better and by the sounds of it she's in good hands being looked after by you, try not to let it get you down it's obviously not personal, my daughter looks for me every minute of the day out the corner of her eye, it must be so hard for them as they're parents are all they really know with everything going on x

You've cheered me up! Thank you for your kindness.

I would walk to the ends of the earth for my children and grandchildren.

It hurt so much today, to feel that I'm failing my granddaughter and daughter.

Her bedroom window was smeared with tuna, blueberries and strawberries but it was worth it for a little oasis of calm. (I did clean it before I left.)

You're not failing them! This is what they do...you know it yourself anyway! Sometimes they have a bad day....let us know how it goes next time.x

@FortunesFave

You're not failing them! This is what they do...you know it yourself anyway! Sometimes they have a bad day....let us know how it goes next time.x

Will do.

I'm looking forward to it now.

Many thanks 😊

Hi @fairyannie
How did the next few visits go?

@Poppet12345

Hi *@fairyannie* How did the next few visits go?

Well .... Mum (DD) did half a day the following week and dad WFH so DGD was settled that day.

After that mum worked a full day with dad WFH - another settled day.

Then mum did a full day with dad also going to work ....

Hell on Earth.

DGD spent ages 'looking' for mum and dad - constantly walking to the doors that she thought they were behind.

She wouldn't eat. Was quiet for half an hour or so playing. Screamed the house down. I spent the majority of the day walking around the streets in the rain as she eventually quietens in her pushchair.

It was a long day. I managed to get dinner in the oven and cooked just before mum came home at ten past five. She hasn't eaten anything whilst I'm looking after her.

Mum is working 2 days next week and I can't say I'm looking forwards to it. It is such a very long day. DGD has the loudest, most cutting scream.

But I suppose the total time I've spent with her since she's been born is very short compared to 'normal' times.

She's one year old on Saturday - we'd never have thought that her first Birthday would be in lockdown. We only thought it would last three weeks .... 😬

I wonder how she would behave with other children her own age 🤔

11 months is an awful age for seperation anxiety! We tried to put ds in nursery a month before I was due to return to work but he screamed himself into hyperventilating (although with lockdown there was no settling in process)! After that we just tried with grandparents and after a bit of a shakey start with lots of crying he now happily waves me off to work shouting bye bye! I think she will just get used to it as time goes on and as she gets older and understands more. Ds is 17 months now and his current favourite trick is running up to strangers on walks to make friends. This was a child who a few months ago was wary of every one!

My DD was the same when she started nursery in non COVID times and it broke my heart. It did get better quite quickly because she was going every day. It’s possible that because you’re only doing it once a week she is struggling to get into a routine of her mum being away. I know a lot of childcare settings prefer them not to just do a single day because it takes a lot longer for them to settle in.

Could you do some sessions with your daughter around but popping out for short periods and then longer periods so that your granddaughter knows that she will come back?

Happy birthday to your granddaughter!! :)

Just had to say my little one was exactly the same with my parents and my MIL - completely inconsolable if DH and I weren't there. This was despite regular video chats with my parents (in the UK) and quite a few visits to the MIL (we live in Norway, it's allowed to have 2 visitors here). We had to travel back to the UK when DS was 10 months due to a death in the family and lived with my parents for almost 2 months. I think that really helped him, because we were there and he got to know my mum way better. After that he's been fine with my parents and kind of okay with my MIL (DH is always around when she looks after him though)

I don't know how close you guys live to each other and if you're allowed with restrictions etc, but would it be possible to visit more often, especially when mum and dad are there? That might help her to get used to you...

Hi I'm mum to a nine month old and my mum will be looking after baby in my home when I go back to work. Another idea I had was why don't you ask your daughter to sign you up for a class as they are back on in a month. I think the baby will be more settled not in the house where she is used to seeing mum. Also could you go to mums work to meet her for lunch or when she finishes. Trying to cut the time without mum a bit shorter or try to teach baby where mum is.

@d577ta

Hi I'm mum to a nine month old and my mum will be looking after baby in my home when I go back to work. Another idea I had was why don't you ask your daughter to sign you up for a class as they are back on in a month. I think the baby will be more settled not in the house where she is used to seeing mum. Also could you go to mums work to meet her for lunch or when she finishes. Trying to cut the time without mum a bit shorter or try to teach baby where mum is.

Yes - we've looked into clubs. Three years ago I looked after my other daughter's daughter and we attended three clubs in the week. (Music, dance, gym.)

It appears that all the ones that are local to my daughter are already fully booked because of reduced capacity.

I spend the greater part of the day walking around with the pushchair - three separate walks because it's easier than listening to her scream.

I am an hour away from my daughter and her work is 45 mins away. Driving to meet mum from work would mean she was sleeping at the wrong time of day. From 3pm onwards is the worst part of the day. Those two hours seem to last a full day in itself. It's when it is hardest to distract her. Cooking her main meal is impossible. Not safe to do it holding her and impossible to put her down.

It physically hurts me as I can't bear the fact that I'm upsetting her.

I looked after my older DGD without issue from a younger age but she 'knew' me.

I'm looking after DGD two days a week and my daughter's MIL will also look after her two days a week when she goes back to 4 days work sometime in May.

My daughter's MIL goes on one walk a day with me per day to 'socialise' also. Because my daughter is bubbled with me she cannot bubble with her partner's family. So DGD does not know my daughter's MIL.

With all the restrictions, this has prevented my granddaughter from seeing other family/people. I've been to visit twice a week since the 'children under one year' bubble was introduced in December. This is at the expense of my other daughter's family who I greatly miss.

My other daughter (whose family I can't see) goes back to work in August and I will be looking after her three children three days a week - two of them don't know me -boys aged 14 months and 4 months.

Having to choose who to bubble with has been very unfair. It has split families apart. Both my daughters had premature babies during lockdown. Both my daughters have very young children and both my daughters have needed support. They both wanted their mum equally. I hated having to choose who I had to prioritise.

My daughter who lives an hour away is receiving my help to the best of my ability. My daughter who lives 5 min away (with three young children) does not.

It was the fact that my daughter who has to return to work currently needed help most urgently.

I shouldn't be made to choose.

I also have to work. Fortunately, I can do this from home and can work in the evenings.