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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

im so alone

12 replies

vanessa13 · 28/10/2004 13:50

please help?
i fled fom my partner nearly a year ago he was very violent to me and my children and finally managed to get help to leave. i was put on a protection scheme by the police and was moved out of the area away from all my family and friends.
i am not allowed to see my family or even write to them.i take each day as it comes now, still living in fear. i have managed to get my children into schools, and am slowly getting to know the area but am still feeling so alone, i am now on anti depession tablets as am having nightmares and not coping with looking after my children. i have so much guilt and anger inside as have now found out that my daughter was sexualy abused by him [she is only four] i dont know how to help her apart from give her love and tell her she is loved. i was also raped by him and just cant take it all in. i feel such a mess he has ruined mine and my childrens lives and all i wanted was to be loved and respected. why did he do it? how do i put it behind me and move on? please help i cant go on feeling like this anymore am sorry if this makes no sense

OP posts:

pixiefish · 28/10/2004 13:57

hi vanessa- maybe you should put this on the 'feeling low' thread- you may get more help there. You've come to the right place for friendship and help though- welcome

Mum2girls · 28/10/2004 14:00

Vanessa - my heart goes out to you and what you and yours have been through - sure you'll get loads of help here, and some 'vitual' mates too.

Do you have a GP and/or a social worker?

fairyfly · 28/10/2004 14:10

Your not allowed to contact your family, how awful for you. No wonder you feel down, not only have you got to get over the break up of a relationship, the abuse and rape you suffered but being flung into a new place without any say so of your own. Is this man in prison? How on earth are they saying you cant see your family, is it for their safety? Your entire identity and role in life has changed drastically it must be such a shock. Is there anyone who knows your story where you live, you really need to find some support! It must be so difficult for you as when you are low people can tell and it is extremely difficult to form relationships.
on a positive note it does take a hell of a long time to form bonds in a new place but eventually when you are happier in yourself you will. One day you will meet someone and just connect then things slowly start to take off. Do you work, you mustn't hibernate!

turquoise · 28/10/2004 14:14

Hi Vanessa. You sound like have so much to deal with, and you've done the best thing possible for all of you to get away from him. You need professional help now to help you and your children through the aftermath - are you still in touch with the agency that helped you leave? If not, maybe your local women's refuge can give you some contacts for groups/therapy both for yourself and your children. Speak to your doctor, health visitor or social worker and ask them to find you some help. You have no reason to feel guilty, you didn't know what was going on with your daughter at the time and now you have done the best thing you can do and got away from him.
You did not cause any of this, he did, and now you deserve all the professional help available to get your family through it. You have all my sympathy, and will find a lot of help and friends on mumsnet - but I agree with pixiefish, cut and paste onto "feeling low" - there are some very wise people there who might miss this thread here.

turquoise · 28/10/2004 15:54

Bumping this up again.

gothicmama · 28/10/2004 16:03

hi vanessa,
i really feel for you I fled an extremely violent relationship some years ago and it is very scary being out there on your own particular as teh abuser normally takes everything away from you , it must be double hard now you are away from all familiar things. You have escapesd wich is good and stops him ruining furthe your lives. It sounds harsh but dealing with everything taht has happenned ids vital so he can't continue to have a grip on your lives - he sound slike he was into contol and power rather than any form of grtification. You can come through this I have (altho I didnot have children) it it tough I moved on by (years later) by accepting that I would never know why he did it , by taking back the power I had given him (hard to do) but you must trust yourself again and learn to accept that it is how you deal with everything now which stops him continuing to ruin or have ahold on your lives.
You are ver strong you have come this far and put your children first by valuing and loving yourself you can get tho this CAT me if you would like

aloha · 28/10/2004 16:48

Do you have a police contact? You cannot be stopped from seeing or calling your family - you have done nothing wrong. There is no question of your not being 'allowed' to. The police, I imagine don't want you to in case this jeopardises your new life and inadvertantly leads your evil ex to you. Your whole situation sounds terrifying to be honest, and I'm not at all surprised you are very sad. Perhaps counselling would help, particularly with the (unjustified) guilt and the (justified) anger. It certainly sounds worth a try. Talk to your GP and explain the situation. You can't do all this by yourself, it's too much for any woman. My heart goes out to you and your children. You have been immensely brave.

motherinferior · 28/10/2004 19:39

Oh Vanessa, I saw this post this morning and have tried to come back to it at various points today. What a horrible situation you are in.

I think it might also be worth talking to Women's Aid helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk about your situation. And to ChildLine about your daughter's sexual abuse - the number is 0800 1111, they do take calls from adults and honestly I think they are very, very good. No wonder you are depressed and angry and upset. You have every reason to feel like that. But please also believe me - there are quite a few women on MN who have been through appalling violence and come through it. And all of us are here to support you too. It's a very good site that way.

Kaz33 · 28/10/2004 20:01

My heart goes out to you and your children.

I must reiterate what another poster said that it order to move on you must stop analysing the past -you will never know why your partner treated you that way and will never be able to understand it. What you do have power over is your future, get some support and keep on posting.

Hugs & kisses

WideWebWitch · 28/10/2004 20:36

Hi vanessa13. I just wanted to say well done for leaving, it must have been hard. Have you tried any of these numbers? The Samaritans are also incredibly good listeners if you want to speak to a 'real' person.

Original poster

vanessa13 · 28/10/2004 20:47

thanks so much to everyone who replied you have all given me some good advice. i do have a doctor but dont feel ready to talk in front of someone face to face. my daughter is getting help but as she is so young they can only do so much thank you for all your support

OP posts:

yingers74 · 28/10/2004 20:50

hey vanessa, just wanted to say that there are people that can help you make that move. I really think that counselling is your first step, it could help you and your family. If you have a GP or a social worker they should be able to get you an initial appointment or put you in touch with a relevant orgainisation. And know that you are not alone, you have the support of a whole lot of mumnetters.

Good luck

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