Hi all,
I’ve posted before. It’s been a very rocky road with our child. I like to convince myself to go easier on myself for the way I struggle with him because we’ve been through two lockdowns, but to be honest I was done before COVID even swung into our neck of the woods.
Our child is so grumpy. I don’t know how else to describe it. He came in screaming, spent all day between 0-6 months screaming, then decided just to carry on. He’s 18 months now.
I’m not exaggerating. Anything sets him off. He spends most days just low level whining - I don’t believe there’s much wrong at baseline - but it’s almost like whining quietly is his breathing. The slightest thing results is a ‘stamp feet, shout, throw head back - fall over and bang head - kick around on floor.’ This is not new. This is not a phase. This has been the case as long as he has been able to do so.
I am not unreasonable. I am understanding when there is an evident cause. One example of the episode above today was me saying, with a smile ‘I love you!’ - looks at me, shouts, throws head back, tantrums.
I am not exaggerating. I would say he is not in the act of releasing a whine or shout about 20% of his waking day. I understand tantrums are normal. I understand that. But he seems to hate everyone around him, being alive, etc. It’s literally a scream whine battle from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to bed, with some random cheerful episodes interspersed. Often, our fun play efforts will merit a giggle and smile - but during the giggle and smile he is also whining and sobbing.
He wants to be picked up, so I do so, so he launches himself immediately off and tantrums. I cannot shit, I cannot clean, I cannot wash up, I cannot cook, I cannot cuddle. I cannot play with - it’s all just a big shout. I remain calm. I try to distract. I cuddle. I ask him to use his words (He’s pre-verbal, but knows how to say ‘Tumble’ for Mr Tumble - and my god! Never mind saying no - he will be tantruming in the time it takes me to reach for the remote). I model positivity, I play with my partner near him and encourage him to join. I invent fun new activities as best I can in lockdown. I am now at the point of waking up in dread because I know there is no escape from a day of it anymore.
I am going a little mad. I am also heartbroken that he is so angry and miserable, and I feel like there is less of a bond between us and more just that I am the object of his greatest disdain and misery.
There are good days, this is a bad one. And I find myself angry that nobody warned me. That if parenthood is this horrible, that someone might have said. The adage that ‘it is all worth it’ is laughable BS. I am here, I am ready, I am here to feed, love, cuddle, play, discipline, console, advise. I want that. What I have is a child who seems in abject misery, and who hates his home and his family so much that he screams 80% of the day, most days.
My partner and I work with children - I don’t see autism in him, as that’s where my mind goes. He shows lots of evidence of understanding language and social cues- pointing, voice tone changes, I can ask him to give x to person Y and he does it (though of course not always because something else is more interesting)
I feel like raising a toddler in lockdown is pure hell. Mostly because I don’t know what normal is. If this is part of the course, then fine. Perhaps one day I’ll be able to meet other parents and find out.
Rant over - I don’t expect a fix, just an opinion that doesn’t entirely paint me as a villain or some useful advise would be appreciated.