On the verge of walking out!

[squinny101]

I have three children a ds 5, a dd 2 and another dd 4 months. My DP has been away this week, and i have had the week from hell.
I feel like I absolutely hate my children. I feel like I am permanently on the verge of doing something awful. My son is fine, but my dd is awful, she throws countless tantrums a day and now this week she has decided that she hates the dark and is refusing to sleep. Right now,I can hear her talking and walking about in her room. i keep putting her back to bed but she keeps on getting up.

I am so ashamed of the way she is turning out. I dont' know what I am doing to make her the way she is. I can't bear it anymore. If I could close the door on them and leave then I would. I am not sure how much more I can take from all of them.

God know's what my neighbours must think of me the only sound that comes out of our house is screaming. Excuse my language but i'm clearly a fucking useless mother as none of my friends/family have to deal with anything like this.

Squinny, they can be so maddening, then you think back as to what triggered all the upheaval and you think it was hardly worth it or how come as a grown up you allowed yourself down that slippery slope to the shouting stage.

If it was always due to our failings there'd be lots of inadequate mothers out there...Tomorrow may well be different.

Have just cried on the phone to my mum for twenty minutes. I need serious help here. It's all getting a bit too much for me at th emoment. I am seroiusly getting concerned for my mental heatlh. is it normal to feel like you hate your child so much?

I have days when I seem to shout a lot (and I only have 2 kids) the end of the day is the worst but once they're asleep I start feeling guilty for being such a crap mother. And it's always worse when DH is away. I've found that staying calm helps - easier said than done - as my son would just play up more if he could tell I was getting stressed. I also bought the books How to talk so kids will listen and Raising boys (think there is also a Raising girls) and they helped me think more about what to say and strangely worked (a lot of the time anyway!). And I always look at my kids asleep as they are lovely really! btw my kids are 3.8 and 13mths

You're not useless! Not even remotely. You've been on your own all week with three children under five. You must be knackered at the best of times - which makes it all seem worse anyway. I've only got one and I can't imagine what three would be like. Does the 4month dd sleep? Can you look forward to having some time to do something for yourself, away from them all, when your husband gets back? can you do something short term to just try and stay sane till then (large glass of wine?).

Ive been told that girls are far harder work than girls. Definitely true in your house eh?

I have 2 girls, dd2 not so bad has tendancy to whinge in a high pitched wailing type way that really gets on my tits.
DD1 was sent to me from hell! I love her so much but at times i really dont like her. She has pushed me to the edge several times, actaully several times a day!

Its not easy when your virtually a single parent, which is what ive compared myself to. I do have a dp, but he is as useful as a chocolate teapot.
Totally hasnt got a clue with babies or toddlers. DD1 is 7 now and dd2 is 4, and he is getting better as they get older, but still freakin useless in most other ways.

It will be a different day tomorrow, life goes on. Ive kicked myself so hard for having reacted in certain ways with dd1 at times, ut feeling low and guilty will get you nowhere. The amount of times ive gone to bed telling myself i must count to ten before reacting, or to react totally differently next time. Hindsight and all that!

I got a book called 123 magic and it made my life so much more bareable. I highly recommend it. Its not about depression or dispair, its a discipline method for you to try on the little darling.

Another speculation is that maybe she is jealous of the baby? Is seeking attention from you now that dd2 has arrived?
This was certianly the case in my house. I had no time for dd1 when dd2 arrived, i was far too consumed with loving the baby and setting routines etc. DD1 was just in the way.
Needless to say, this is when her behaviour went wild and has pretty much remained ingrained in her brain ever since. I think she has a wild spirit anyway, but my devotion to dd2 and exclusion of dd1 certainly had an affect on her behaviour.

My word im talkative tonight!

haych - are you sure your dh is not my dh???
hope it gets better 101 - maybe you do need some outside help. with a 4mo lo you could be suffering a form of PND. no shame in that. I find it enormously difficult at times (never feel hatred towards lo's though) as i do everything myself so feel like a single mum. my dd is 9 and ds is just 14mo. 3 under 5's???? I don't think I could do it, especially not with a happy face at all times. Yuo are only human. Do yourself a favour and get some proper help. talk to your hv/doc. You deserve to be able to enjoy your lo's. sorry if a bit garbled but ds is napping and i don't have much time to squander on mn!

your not a useless mother - there seems to be some kind of eutopian existance that mothers have to adhere to - and i thik we all know its complete bollocks.

i used to threaten my kids to sleep

it started off nice - a story or a song - "no mummy just one more" so i just "just one more" for an extra 20 mins - in two seperate bedrooms ( 2 boys 1 girl)

then when i went downstairs satisfied that i was tantamount to the bleedin virgin mary - i heard banging and laughing and sneaking to each others rooms

and i used to shout " if your not in bed my the time i reach the third step - and ASLEEP YOUR IN TROOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUBLE"

SO DONT SWEAT IT - realise that you are tired and give yourself an allowence for that.

Hi Squinny - i hope you had a better day today.

I have been to see the doctor and she has told me that I have all the classic symptoms of depression. I did a fine bit of crying and she could see that my two year old is not particularly easy. She has prescribed me with anti-depressants and has told me to go and see her again in two weeks time. I have also spoken to the Health Visitor and I have asked for help.

My partner is coming home tonight and I am scared of what he is going to say to me. I don't want him to get cross with me over it. I am petrified of losing him as the thought of bringing up three children by myself fills me with dread. Will let you know what happens.

I dont think there are many mothers who have not felt the way you do squinny at some point. I most definately have kids are hard work and sometimes it is a thankless task. I hope you are having a better day today, dont be hard on yourself a few off days dont make you a bad or useless mother

squinny sorry I opened the page to post ages ago and got distracted by my own dd's.

I think you have done the right and responsible thing going to speak to your doctor its not easy admitting that you are finding your dc hard work, hopefully your dp will see that and support you and help you more with the children

Just a bit of an update. We spoke about it when he got home and we have had a really good chat, the reason he said on the phone he felt cross was that he said he was just upset that it had got to the stage where I had to go to the doctor to ask for help before even discussing it with him. He wanted to know if the problem wasn't really with the children but with me and him. I was in an abusive marriage (both physically and mentally) when we met and was extremely depressed. He is just concerned that I am feeling the same way and he is worried that it has something to do with him. My DD was fine at the weekend but then her brother was with his dad. The second he got home the fighting started again. I accpet its all about attention seeking but it just drives me up the wall. I dread going to bed on a Sunday night because then I know I've got a week of it when I wake up again until he can help me out at the weekends.

Good luck this week - I really hope its a bit easier for you - I know all the feelings you are talking about, and I can promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. What helped me was thinking of ideas about ways I could change things to make family life a bit calmer, and smoother, then making a fresh start to put them in place, and trying not to shout and lose my temper.

How typicall of a man to think it's all about them
You seems to have a good man here who spontaneously accepts a little soul searching to help you get better so don't worry about him for now.

I'm happy to see you got help from your GP. You need a bit of rest. If your baby is just 4 months it's likely you're not getting enough and that certainly drives us to the edge doesn't it?

Now with regards to your DD, please put things into perspective and don't just label her a horribble little person.
As Haych said there are plenty of times when they are really not likeable and some stages can last.......and try our patience.
My DS is the most adorable boy but then again there are those long horribble dragging days when he's just a pain in the neck.

I have yet to meet a mum who's not had those awfull aggressive thoughts when confronted with a cocktail of tantrums/constant whinging & sleep deprivation.
Don't get all wrapped up in a guilt trip and try to talk things down rather that let it heat up with her.
Does your DS go to nursery yet?
If yes, then suggest you pack baby in a sling and take her to community playgroups to get a break and change scenery. All day at home with an unhappy toddler is a challenge for anyone!

take good care of yourself