Bedtime Tantrums

[CEW83]

Hi, my son has never slept well and always had to come into my bed during the night. I also had a really good relationship with him. Over the past few weeks he has started throwing tantrums at bedtime that can last 2 - 3 hours, meaning he goes to bed between 10pm and 11pm. I have tried reverting back to using sleep techniques but none of them work. He will not go down at all for his Dad and I eventually get him down when the screaming stops. He has also now started pushing me away all the time and constantly shouting Dad and wanting to be with him and not me. Any advice would really help. I work shifts and my partner works from home, so does look after him a lot. Thanks

How old is he OP?

20 months.

Get a gro clock. Spend a week turning it on at bedtime so he recognises it is bedtime. Make sure your routine is solid: bath, teeth, pjs, books and then cuddles. Be firm that is is bedtime. Zip into sleep suit and then shut the door. He'll probably scream and cry because that's worked so far in getting him access to you in your bed. Be tough. He's old enough to know what's what and he's likely screaming and tantruming because he is exhausted.

@Cornetttttto

Get a gro clock. Spend a week turning it on at bedtime so he recognises it is bedtime. Make sure your routine is solid: bath, teeth, pjs, books and then cuddles. Be firm that is is bedtime. Zip into sleep suit and then shut the door. He'll probably scream and cry because that's worked so far in getting him access to you in your bed. Be tough. He's old enough to know what's what and he's likely screaming and tantruming because he is exhausted.

Got to say I always think I've seen it all and then I come on to mumsnet and it never ceases to amaze me.

OP at 20 months your son is still pretty much a baby and he isn't going to understand a grow clock. Also I can't see how a bath every night (no good for his skin) is going to help him recognise it is bedtime. However being close to him will make him feel safe, is he tantruming and wailing whilst you are holding him or just when he is left alone in his bed? Cuddle him, love him, suck it up yes they are exhausting when that little but they do grow up at some point and it will be a distant memory. If he needs you to stay with him to fall asleep then do it, the sky won't fall in if he can't self settle.

I think you have to have the right combination of being firm and letting him know he isn't gonna get what he wants just by screaming the house down but reassuring him you are there to meet his needs too. I agree at 20MO he's a baby. I really wouldn't just leave him to scream and I agree that he might understand the meaning of the groclock but he's unlikely to have the self-restraint to actually obey it. All he will learn being left to scream is that you're not there to meet his needs which is quite a damaging thing for a baby to get their head around. What we do in the evening is a slightly flexible routine although we more or less let her decide whether she wants a bath. She gets as many books downstairs as she wants but in bed it's 2 stories, quick chat about her day and cuddles then lights out. We stay with her until she's asleep and she can fidget and sing to herself and talk to her doll etc as much as she wants but if she tries to talk to me then we say once 'it's bed time. Night night darling' and then 'bedtime' and if she talks again we don't respond. It must be hard if he's determined he wants daddy but I wouldn't pander to it. Just sympathise and say something like 'you're really upset but mummy is here and you're safe and loved' and stick it out even if it does take hours. If you cave and bring dad in he'll just learn that if he wants dad all he needs to do is kick up enough of a stink. It's exhausting I know but honestly just stick to your guns and offer him comfort and love but be firm and it'll get better x

Thank you both. I have always stayed with him next to his cot or cuddled him and put him down. He has started screaming though even doing that. I have looked it up and he has been saying no a lot so think he is going through a stage and pushing his boundaries. I have been giving him loads of choices leading up to bedtime so that he feels in control. This seems to help.