DD (6) hits DS(10) & me

[TheDukeissoHot1]

DD(6) hits my DS (10) on an almost daily basis, and I am also often on the receiving end of being hit or scratched. It usually happens if she is told to do something she doesn’t want to do or if she & DS fall out. She very quickly escalates to full rage & violence despite my trying to encourage her to talk her problems through.

Over the years (she’s done this since around 3yo) we have tried everything we can think of to make her stop, to no avail. We try to stick to a consistent general approach of praise good behaviour & try to ignore unwanted behaviour plus house rules about being respectful & not hitting. If DD hits or scratches or spits she is immediately put in time out & given a consequence which is generally removal of toys or screen time.

She will behave until she gets said toy back & then the next day it’s back to hitting again. No amount of punishment seems to change it.

I’m clearly not doing a great job of handling this since she is still doing it so looking for advice on where I can go for IRL parenting support?

She’s too old to be under health visitors now but don’t know where to access support for older kids. She communicates great & has no additional needs and behaves like an angel at school.

Does she definitely not have additional needs OP? ADHD and ASD can sometimes cause problems with controlling anger.

Absolutely, very definitely no additional needs. She has lots of friends, has great empathy for others & really understands & can explain her feelings in a way even my 10 year old can’t. She can be really thoughtful & kind at times, but it’s like she just has this really angry & aggressive streak & she can’t control her temper when things don’t go her way.

Can you figure out the sorts of things that trigger that anger and try to think of some things she can do instead of hitting? Eg have a boxing bag outside that she can hit as much as she wants. After explaining what you want her to do, she chooses to do this instead of hitting out you praise her for. If she starts hitting, try NVR and redirect her to the boxing bag. Something she can do when not at home would be useful too in case she gets frustrated somewhere else - maybe something like jumping up and down on the spot, or deep breathing, or something. You can probably look up ideas for good things for kids to do when angry.

Her triggers are usually her feeling like she has been ‘wronged’ in some way or not getting her own way. Bedtime seems to be a massive trigger point too.

A typical example would be that she doesn’t listen when asked politely (repeatedly) to put her pyjamas on, then still doesn’t listen when she is told to do it, then she will make a demand like ‘I’ll put my pyjamas on only if you play some songs or do xyz’ to which I reply I will do xyz once you have done what I ask & got your pyjamas on. And it’s at this point she will explode. This week she emptied a full toilet roll, screamed, shouted insults at me, threw things across the room at me. Told her I wouldn’t tolerate her behaviour & left the room (so as to ignore it rather than pay attention to it) so she followed me & proceeded to hit and kick me. Then it was time out and consequence was no bedtime story and straight to bed (natural consequence as she was looking forward to this & due to her behaviour we were out of time). Perhaps my consequence wasn’t strong enough but what other immediate sanction can you give at bedtime?

This happens regularly & bedtime is usually extremely unpleasant. It’s like a battle of wills and clearly I’m the one losing.
We have suggested to her that if she gets angry she should go and hit her pillow but she’s never managed to control herself and do this before actually hitting. She is always very sorry after the event too so I’m certain she knows what she is doing is wrong.

Thankfully this never happens when we are out, it’s saved exclusively for at home.

Could I please ask - what is NVR?

NVR stands for non violent resistance, a way to help calm and control a child that's violent without hitting them or manhandling them or anything yourself.

Sounds like she just really hates being told what to do - maybe look up ways to handle kids with PDA (that would be using wondering questions, and wording things in ways that aren't commands so they don't trigger that immediate intense defensive response). She might not actually have PDA but I bet the techniques will help.

If you can always be one step ahead of her in thinking what she is going to ask for in cases like that (saying I won't put my pyjamas on until you do xyz), you may be able to avoid this response, you could say (before having asked her to put pyjamas on), "I'm really looking forward to xyz, I wonder if we'll have time before 8.30, as kids need to be ready and in bed before we can do xyz" this way you aren't actually commanding her to do anything, and the power is on her side as to whether she chooses to get to do xyz or not. She will feel more in control and less likely to get super defensive and angry. Worth a try at least!

Thankyou @Aussieadopter I will look upnon violent resistance and PDA - when I googled NVR I got video recorders

I’ll definitely give it a try trying to pre-empt what she is going to want to do, though sometimes it will be so random you’d never anticipate it! Like you say I think a lot of it is control & she wants to control what is happening rather than feeling like I am telling her what to do, so I need to work on that area - thanks for the tips