My Nan likes to think she can take over the parenting of my children, mainly my eldest daughter. She has ridiculed and berated me to my child many times. I’ve caught her out talking to my daughter on FaceTime telling her “she shouldn’t tell you off for anything you don’t do anything wrong she has no right to” referring to me. Apparently I’m not allowed to discipline my children. Now we’re at the point where my daughter is having panic attacks, struggling with anxiety, refusing to do anything I ask of her and telling me she’s not my slave if I ask her to do simple chores around the house (she’s 9 now so I like her to help out to prepare for when she’s older and has a home of her own, just things like making her bed, hoovering occasionally and putting the dishwasher on and I’ll do the same for her brothers when they’re a bit older).
Her brothers have a lot of additional needs so they’re not always safe with their actions (they like to climb furniture a lot and smash ornaments/photo frames etc) I do what I can to watch them constantly but when I need to cook I ask my daughter to watch them and shout me if they do anything. Just because it’s easier than having them in the kitchen where they’re pulling knives out of drawers and opening the oven door when my back is turned! She now looks at this as I’m using her as a “babysitter and slave”. It’s literally once a day I ask for her to watch them, not parent, just watch and shout me.
She’s refusing to do her school work, she hasn’t done a thing and says she shouldn’t be made to do anything at home because it’s not a school. Which sounds like something my Nan would say.
She’s telling me things like no one in the family loves her and only my Nan does.
She’s started to confuse her role in the family, and looks upon myself and my husband as an inconvenience in her life. She tells me what I should and shouldn’t be doing when it comes to parenting and has an opinion on everything. She will happily join in on a conversation with an adult and tell them they’ve done something wrong or talk about people and she’s very quick to tell on others.
She’s been on the writing list with CAMHS for a ASD assessment for over two years. She’s already had a educational psychologist assess her who claims she is pretty much a genius, she’s very intelligent but she also has some learning difficulties. She was also diagnosed by SALT with word finding difficulties.
Last night she attacked me for the third night in a row. I asked her to pack a bag and she’s gone to stay with my mum for a few days. My mum is aware of my Nans behaviour but we didn’t know how badly she had affected my daughter until now.
I have various bruises from my daughter, she has kicked my bedroom door and she has screamed and shouted for so long that one night myself and her brothers were awake until 5am. I am exhausted and cannot take any more. Whilst all this is going on I’m completing a degree from home so I can gain employment once the children are all in full time education. I want to build a career path for myself now whilst I’m at home with them but she’s preventing me from working every night, which is the only chance I get to study.
I’ve tried aromatherapy, delta wave music, breathing techniques, yoga and even lots of 1-1 time with her but nothing has helped her or repaired our relationship. I even recently bought her new bedroom furniture and built a lovely space for her to relax away from her brothers.
Last night she said in front of my mother, that I used to force her to sit on the bottom step for hours on end and refused to let her use the toilet so she’d sit there and wet herself. When she was between 3-5 we used the bottom step as time out and it really did work. 1 minute on a timer so nothing extreme in any way at all and if she required the toilet she went to the toilet. I had no idea why she’s distorting the truth and making up things that didn’t happen until now...
I just had a phone call from my Nan (she never calls me it was to my daughters phone which I have confiscated for her behaviour). I was explaining to my Nan about how I’m concerned for my daughters well being because she’s distorting the truth and mentioned that incident and my Nan shouts back “yes that was at your old house I called you and she was sat there!”
I could seriously scream right now because I know exactly what’s happened, my Nan has turned my daughter well and truly against myself, my husband, and even her own brothers and I’m devastated. Three years ago she told lies about my husband and we had ss involved but thankfully we worked with everyone and it was all ok.
We don’t blame her for any of these things but it had a terrible consequence for my husband in that he developed severe depression and I had to ask him to leave months ago so he could get the help he needs and then come back to us. I’m still a huge support to him but my daughters behaviour does affect him, as does the behaviour of our sons so he’s had to take a step back with the parenting which is fine by me.
My Nan admitted on the phone to me that she believes I use my daughter as a “slave” and she shouldn’t do the things I ask of her.
I should add my mother doesn’t have a very good relationship with my Nan as she was a terrible parent. My mother was treated very differently to her brother and their younger sister was also adopted out of the family as my Nan didn’t want her. My mum has told me of an incident where my Nan was caring for a family members child and she abused him (force feeding him and hitting him) and he was under 2. The family removed him from her care.
From what I can tell she seems to be a very controlling woman. My memories of her as a child were of her constantly refusing to help my mum by looking after us when my mum needed to work (she was a single parent to four children). I don’t have many memories of spending time with her, I spent more time with her sister (my great auntie) who I adored.
We’ve felt sorry for her the last 10 years as her partner of 20 years died and so she moved closer to our family. We’ve involved her with as much as we can but I now feel it’s time to take a step back from her and stop any contact with my daughter so we can get her the help that she needs and rebuild the relationship with her.
I suppose I know what I need to do really, but I have PTSD and at times I worry I push people away too easily, so I guess I’m posting here for confirmation that I am actually doing the right thing. I know how important it is for children to have a relationship with their grandparents but I feel this relationship is now incredibly toxic and damaging our family life.