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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Violent relationships and child behaviour management.

13 replies

vanessa13 · 27/10/2004 14:10

I was in a violent relationship for 5 years, having two children, at its worst 6 months ago I was finally able to leave since leaving this relationship, my two year old son has been displaying what I would see as traits of his father; trying to strangle his sisters, spitting at you when he gets angry,kicks and punches, and also wakes up at night in hystericle fits and the only way to stop him is to hold him untill he falls asleep

OP posts:

donnie · 27/10/2004 14:14

hi vanessa13, well done for escaping that relationship, it must have been very diffcicult indeed.I can't say I am surprised that your son would act in that way, after all children copy adult behaviour, especially that of their parents .The good thing is he is still young enough for it to change and his memories to fade.I can't offer any real advice,just to give it time and seek some guidance/help from the professionals.Good luck.

helsi · 27/10/2004 14:16

Oh dear. Well done for leaving it must have taken some courage.

In my opinion (and it is just that), your DS is still young enough to be re-educated in that if you start telling him sternly that his behaviour is wrong he will get the message. You have to make him realise that you are now in charge and he cannot continue with his behaviour. Two year olds are prone to kicking/screaming etc as they do have tantrums but if you think what he has seen in the past has stayed with him then it is now up to you to teach him the alternative.

Would he like mummy to spit at him? Do his sisters stranggle him? I guess the answer is no therefore try and stress to him that no-one else in the house behaves like that now and anyone who does will be punished (strong word I know but...). Could you introduce a naughty step/corner?

be strong - he'll soon get the message.

gothicmama · 27/10/2004 14:16

it sounds as if he is displaying learned behaviour and is confused about teh changes in his life. It is importnat for you to cuddle adn comfort him whilst showing him and telling him what is good behaviour adn trying to find a way of helping him cope with his anger

zubb · 27/10/2004 14:18

Well done for getting out Vanessa13. Your son will only have had his father as a role model to date so it will take time for him to change his perception that it is OK to use violence. If you are telling him that it is wrong, and showing him that there are other ways of resolving conflict he should gradually change. Could it also be that he is seeing how far he can push you and making sure that you are still there for him?
Sorry, no helpful advice really.

Caligula · 27/10/2004 14:29

Could you ask your HV for advice? It could be that she could get you onto a parenting course for free to help you deal with his behaviour, and maybe he needs to see a counseller to help him manage the transition from going from a violent household to a normal one.

Good luck Vanessa, I hope all works out well for you - you're very brave and deserve all the help and support you can get.

Demented · 27/10/2004 14:38

Hugs Vanessa and well done for getting out. If it makes you feel better at all I have a two year old DS who I believe lives in a normal enough family who spits, screeches, nips, slaps us about the head and occasionally bites if he doesn't like things. I believe he has never seen anyone else spit or bite, he must just like doing it, the other things he may have learned from his big brother.

MINNIE1 · 27/10/2004 14:53

hi vanessa13,
Would you try ignoring his bad behavior and praising his good behavior...( I have worked with troubled kids (not implying you child is a troubled child) And i have to say all the kids i have worked with are sooo good inside, and it really worked with these kids.. He may cause a few tantrums for not getting his way but he will soon see when he is getting your attention, and hopfully will react to your positive response (he will like that better then been told off)..
My advice would to try the above and see how you get on.. If not do not feel ashamed to go and get professional advice, Its for your and your sons good,
Wishing you the best

Original poster

vanessa13 · 27/10/2004 17:38

thanks for the advice minnie1
its nice to here that im not the only parent with a child who is having a few problems i will be sure to try a few of your tips thanks for your help take care

OP posts:

SofiaAmes · 27/10/2004 20:35

vanessa13, if it helps, just because that's the role model that your ds has had so far, doesn't mean that he will continue with that behaviour as he grow older. My dh grew up in a violent family where he was regularly beaten (and hospitalized) by his father. He is however, the most loving, tender wonderful father I have ever seen and the closest he ever gets to hitting his children is telling me to spank them when they are naughty.
I think that some 2 year olds go through a hitting stage and if they have good encouragement at home, will grow out of it.

jackie17 · 28/10/2004 03:11

hi vanessa your son is young enough to learn right from wrong am sure you are his best teacher. does he still have contact with his father is this something you still want? are you over the relastionship your children will pick up on this and may confuse them. Have you considered a new relatioship not all men are that bad to help your son maybe you need to help your self, i went back to my x after constant messages and calls from him when i finally did leave iended all contact was best way i think. If you are in a new relationship whats your man like with your child is he the role figure you want for your son? Maybe instead of from your sons point of view look from your if you are happy and treated right your children will see this adn pick up on it, it all takes time.
Keep life simple and make it a hapy one for you all remember your son loves you and the past fades with time

Original poster

vanessa13 · 28/10/2004 13:13

hi jackie17 thanks for the letter. my children no longer have contact with him, i also think that is for the best, i am in a new relatinship and taking things real slow?
he is like a fairytale that i am waiting to go horribly wrong, [i am sure it wont]
he has two lovely children and my children enjoy there company, so i hope it does work i take each day as it comes thanks again for the letter it was the hardest thing to do but reading your letter has shown me i am no longer alone good luck in life take care

OP posts:

Davros · 28/10/2004 18:43

Agree with Minnie1, I wouldn't draw attention to the bad behaviour, that will simply reinforce it with attention. He should get your attention when he is behaving how you like. If it is too exrreme for that you could do the star chart type thing, the main thing is that he learns that he gets what he wants, inc your attn, by being "good and not being "bad". Of course he needs the love you show him as he needs to learn that it is his behaviour you don't like, not him iyswim. I also think you should see if there's any practical help about such as courses or chat with a psychologist.

Jimjams · 28/10/2004 22:13

Agree with Davros. And well done for getting out. It will take a while to settle though. See if you can identify triggers which set him off then try to avoid them (not always easy especially if they involve other children). If he isn't being a danger to himself or others then you can leave him to scream- being ready to gove attention (and lots of cuddles) when he's calmed down. If he is being a danger then try to remove him to safety before dealing with him (or tell the others to get out of the way if you can- I do this with my 2 year old when his brother kicks off).

I wouldn't worry too much about the nights- its sounds as if he needs the cuddles then and they will subside.

Agree that a psychologist (clinical would be your best bet) would be a good person to consult. Are social services involved? They may be able to get you a referral - if not try your HV or GP. A behavioural plan drawn up with a psychologist will help give you the confidence to remain consistent with each response- very important- but possibly hard to do as he may need quite different treatment from other children iyswim (I talk from experience of this- my autistic son must have very muted responses to bad behaviour otherwise he wil do it again and again- strong responses - even negative ones are very rewarding to him- this is something that other people can fid very difficult to understand- it has been helpful to me to have professionals backing up our approach- and great when it works). Sympathetic professionals can be a godsend.

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