5 year old strongly dislikes one parent

[CatsHateSnow]

Does anyone have experience of very strong parental preference in an older child? DC1 is 5 and is struggling with lockdown, Covid restrictions (ie seeing extended family) and being an older sibling (DC2 is almost one and highly mobile). He is having real issues with anger and sadness as well as anxiety. He has always had a strong preference for me above DH.

When he was a toddler, we had issues with quite aggressive behaviour towards DH but this seemed to abate as he got older. He is currently acting like a three year old in many ways and is being very blatant in his dislike of DH. He is openly rude/insulting, sometimes physically aggressive, and deliberately provocative, eg DH walks in and sits down, DC1 roars that he wanted to sit in the armchair, etc, when DC1 has previously had no interest in sitting in that chair. We are seeing a lot of really attention-seeking behaviour.

Interestingly, when I’m not around, there are no issues. This only arises as an issue when all four of us are together, either in the same room or I’m elsewhere in the house while DH is with the kids. So I feel like there is an attention-seeking angle here - it isn’t just about DH, if you see what I mean.

To be clear, I don’t think it unreasonable that he has a preference, the problem is how that preference is being expressed. I think it’s natural for children to prefer one parent or the other at different stages, and I think it’s normal that children respond differently to different parenting styles. But the level of open rudeness and aggression is unacceptable at the moment.

DH has always been very involved with the kids, very hands-on, has worked from home since Covid hit but has been equally involved with pick-ups/school runs previously when we were both working out of the home. He has always been an equal parent in terms of bedtime, bath time, play time, etc.

How would you handle this?

What do YOU do when this kind of behaviour happens? When you are in another room and your DS has a go at DH? Do you come in? Solve ? And when he requires a specific chair do you cave in?
It seems to me that he likes to be the man in the house (the commanding officer) and undermines your DH and ...sorry ... but that you are also somehow pleased that he favours you.

Set rules, set boundaries and stick to them

Oh, we have pretty clear boundaries. There are reasonable requests and there are demands, and we don’t cave to demands.

As to what I do - it depends on the situation. Sometimes yes, I do come in and try to mediate. Where possible, I try to leave them to sort themselves out unless DH is getting particularly frustrated and I feel like it would be helpful to swap.

I would sincerely prefer him not to prefer me - or at least to this extent. It would make my life a damn sight easier!

The problem is that he has always been a sensitive and, in some ways, quite extreme little boy and he has favourites and, for want of a better word, anti-favourites. The former tend to be women and the latter men. So for instance, he went through a phase of lashing out at my BIL (he absolutely adores my DSis). That has now changed and he is a huge fan of DBIL. But on some level, you are quite right: it is as though he sees DH as a rival and given that we all live in the same house, it is difficult to work out how best to tackle it.

The approach we are taking at the moment is effectively to praise the hell out of good behaviour and be firm about what is unacceptable. In other words, we’re treating it as a discipline/behavioural issue. But it isn’t working.

Could it be that you praise too much?
I find this constant praising I see in Australia as useless. Praise for flushing, washing hands, even drinking a glass of water. These are normal day by day actions that don't merit a praise, and it backfires because a child expect a constant praise and praise loses its value.

I would stay out of it. So if there is an argument about who dresses him or move out of a chair, leave the room. Give him the opposite of what he wants to achieve

Constant praise - yes, you may have a point there. It’s difficult because a lot of the behavioural advice at the moment for the kind of behaviour he is showing focuses on “catching them being good” and praising wherever possible, while ignoring low-level bad behaviour.

I don’t find this helpful - if we jump on low-level bad behaviour it escalates the situation, but if we ignore it, he often ramps it up to get our attention. Distracting can work but by no means all the time.

To give you an example, this morning he was fine until DH came in. At which point DC1 started running his toys into DH’s foot. DH (perfectly reasonably) asked DC1 to stop doing that. DC1 then hit him. For us, that’s immediate loss of privileges and time out. No impact whatsoever. He’s then rude and disruptive - lots of insults and blowing raspberries, messing about with cereal and wiping it on the table (removed immediately without comment), prodding and grabbing at DC2 having his nappy changed, etc.

The bottom line is, what we’re doing isn’t working despite being consistent for months, but I don’t feel there can be no consequences for his behaviour. Equally, the next step would be to get even more draconian and I question whether that would work.

If you go in any bookshop, the raising children section is loaded theory after theory on how to raise best, which somehow shows the confusion and contradiction of "what is best" . Add to it the internet, MN, and all the yummy mummy blogs .

Your child is unique and your parenting should be unique too. By following an idea or advice, you lose your honesty. You don't reply or react the way you would like, of course not talking about physical violence here, but if you want to raise your voice and show him how displeased your are . " stop this, right now! vs dear DS, why are you doing this? you are hurting daddy and daddy loves you so much, now sit on the naughty step and think about it.

If my son hurts someone with a toy repeatedly on purpose even after being told to stop, I would have taken the toy, and put it in the bin.
If cereal are messed with, as you did, you remove and then NO food/drink (except water) until lunch.

You need to think ahead, DS2 is watching and learning and seeing that wild and bad behaviour seems the norm.

Imagine you are a guest a someone's house and see that. Inside you, you can't help but think " the mum needs to do this" . You have the answer inside you about what to do, but are blocked by strangers' ideas about what is best.

Tomorrow morning, before breakfast, sit all together on the carpet, and say
" I want a house full of love and laughter . Lately there has been a lot of anger and tears. This is going to change. We are all going to change. From now on, bad words and bad actions from anyone will be prohibited. If you misuse a toy/book, it will go in this big black bin bag. Gone. If you talk badly , you will be sent to your room. IF you trash your room when sent there, what you trashed goes own the bin bag.
Ours will be the house of fun, not anger. So let's go to your room to pick up some books and toys we are going to play with this morning and later we will do a cake/cookies. "

And then go for breakfast. I am sure you can tell, but his eyes, body language when he is going to misbehave. Try to stop it then and there. " honey , remember the rule, happy , not nasty"

Try to find in you, what your ideas about children and motherhood were from before about your DC. Be honest, ditch the parenting books and do what you think is right (no physical violence or verbal torture)

Sorry I haven't got any advice but this does sound similar to my 3 year old at the moment! He is very anxious and can have that angry aggressive side. Although flip it and he can be the happiest kind boy too. What's your child like with other children his age (particularly boys?) Just a thought could he be having a deeper problem/worry and is taking it out on your DH?

@Cormoran good idea

I was also going to say that making DS go to his room to calm down is our last ditch way of resetting him when he's in a horrible mood and won't behave. It normally works though I do sometimes have to hold the door shut to make him stay.