Help with an out of control 9 yr old

[Bezfaery]

Okay out of control might be a bit strong but she does have times when you can do nothing to calm her down.
She is my step daughter but I have been in the picture since she was a baby. Her Mum and Dad had an incredibly amicable divorce and I get on well with her Mum and step dad. I have just got off the phone to her mum following a horrendous weekend to warn her that we have banned television. After comparing notes and realising that we are having the same problem as her mum I have come to my wits end. She has serious lack of respect for any of us, answering back, saying "No" to even the politest requests. Hitting her mum and dad when they say things she doesn't like, running around the house screaming like a banshee and refusing to stop until I completely lose it and send her to her room (which she shares with her 1yr old twin sisters so can't do this if their in bed) If you discipline her eg take away privileges she will scream and cry and holler for hours. She winds her 3.5 yr old brother up so I can't calm him down at all for days on end sometimes. The minute she goes back to her mums he behaves so much better but then she does the same thing to her sister at her mums house. Neither her dad or step dad can play with her because she goes so over board someone ends up getting hurt usually the dads. Even the childminder is struggling and has to make a point of keeping her under control or she has mayhem on her hands with all the children running around screaming. The thing is she is a lovely caring sweet girl but seems to have flash points where she loses it and turns into a monster.
I'm sorry this is rambling but I can no longer see the wood for the trees and although I know it is probably attention seeking behaviour the more time we try to spend with her eg cinema trips with just her dad or shopping with me, the worse she gets. Literally demanding things for days afterwards.
Please please please help. Her mum is even considering professional help but I'm not sure this won't just make her feel singled out and ganged up on.

She does have a lot of adults in her life, all naturally with their own ways of dealing with her and talking to her, and their own expectations. She has Mum, step dad, Dad, step mum, childminder, and teachers. And that's before you chuck in siblings/half siblings.

It is possible that despite things being so amicable and despite long term relationships with step parents, that she is experiencing her split family situation as difficult at the moment. That doesn't mean anyone is getting anything wrong necessarily; just that the situation as I've described it with the amount of adults involved and the changes between them and houses/siblings, may have become difficult for her just now.

Children do have to deal with family situations over and over as they mature, IME. Their maturity and understanding and their needs, all change and they constantly end up re-examining and experiencing their situation differently.

I also think that sometimes girls of this age are feeling so much more grown up (even if not acting it!) but are still very much talked to as a child. Is that possibly happening here? Hormones might also be a factor?

I'd say professional help might be valuable; if nothing else to give her the chance to talk about her situation and what she feels about things. How is she at school - would they involve the Ed Psych?

Thanks for your reply - Honouria. I totally agree about all the adults and I think thats what I meant about not seeing the wood for the trees. How do we know which approach to take eg am I being too strict or her mum too lenient. Its impossible to have any continuity. In a lot of ways I feel bad for her and have tried to get her to talk about it several times which was disastrous as she told me she was being bullied when it turned out she definately wasn't, she also told me her step father forced her to watch a scary program which she later admitted was a lie. etc.
She gets the usual 9 yr old girl reports from school eg talks too much, argues with friends etc but is doing well and is popular with her peers. Although there was an isolated incident where she was accused of bullying (long story). Its just so complicated, but does feel sometimes like she will milk any situation for all its worth including lying to get more attention.
I think maybe your right about professional help but it seems so extreme, plus her mum keeps changing her mind about refering her.
I guess we are worried about overacting about normal 9 yr old behaviour and creating a bigger monster by singling her out. but how long do we leave it without risking it becoming a permenant problem.
Thanks again
Its so nice to vent