DD (4) and new attitude - lockdown or not?

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I’m not sure if this is lockdown related or not but DD is seriously frustrating me lately. She has stopped listening/responding to me (even with consequences) until I eventually shout, will not tidy up her messes without help or more shouting (apparently “nanny never made me tidy up” 🙄 when she provided childcare pre-Covid), will talk back to me when I tell her off (e.g. if I say behave or time out, she’ll say “you behave or you’re going in time out”. She has also started saying “you’re ugly” or “you’re fat” in response to us when she is angry/upset. We are certain she learnt these words from her DGF (my FIL) because it’s how he speaks to MIL in a jokey way. They say to each other “oh shut up” in a lighthearted way too but we managed to get DD out of saying that one somehow. Anyway, I don’t feel like I’m being the best mum in this situation because I don’t know what to do and I can feel the situation getting away from me. By the afternoon I want to scream and have to stop myself from shouting FFS, which is obviously not going to help one bit. I appreciate I am mum so need to take responsibility. How can I get her to stop this behaviour?

Bump

Watch super nanny on YouTube. The advice she would give would be first give one warning about the undesired behaviour, and when it is repeated pick the child up and put her in time out, and start the timer. If she gets up you put her back on and start the time again. Repeat until she manages to complete her 4 minutes. Then ask what she did wrong, get an apology, hug and move on. You could choose to either completely ignore the name calling (it gets no attention), or tell her simply "we don't call people names in this house" then ignore any repeated occurrences, or do the 1 warning then time out if she does it again right away (I guess depending how bad it is and if ignoring works or doesn't work). If you are very consistent it should work.

Attitude in 4-year olds is very common and is a sign of growing independence.

Of course you can't let them get away with rudeness, but ime it works better if you don't go straight into panic mode. Calm, with a sense of humour, does the best job ime. The more they feel that you are so strong that they can't rattle you and that you know exactly what the rules are and know you won't lose control over them, the more happily they will follow you. Think a kindly but successful headteacher.

I would try the firm verbal reminder first and not jump too quickly into physical handling or confiscating. Don't overuse the big guns or you won't have any ammunition left when they really misbehave.

I don't really have any advice, but me and my friends have 4 year all DDs and they are all going through this stage.
We're just trying to be firm with our boundaries and punishments and lots of praise for good behaviour. Mainly we're just trying to ride out this stage though and hope it's over soon, because it's really wearing!