NannyShare behaviour issue

[MissTuesday]

hi all

I share a nanny with a very good friend, our ds's are about the same age, 16months. My ds is a very gentle little man whilst his buddy is very boisterous, bordering on aggressive. He does a lot of hair pulling, face grabbing, toy snatching and just general rampaging. Having said that, he's adorable and I love him to bits but dh and I are getting more and more frustrated each day as our ds seems to be getting upset (understandably) not just at the physical side of things but at the general level of chaos that occurs when my friend's ds arrives. They are great little friends though and have such fun together for the most part but there are probably half a dozen 'incidents' a day which I feel is just too many. The other problem we have is that both my friend and the nanny are fairly anti-displine and believe its 'just a phase'. They don't seem to think that it is a problem that ds is getting hurt, albeit not seriously. I find this upsetting in itself as if the roles were reversed, I would be doing everythign in my power to teach ds that being aggressive is not ok. Dh and I feel that aggression is a behaviour not a phase and children need to be firmly and lovingly taught what is acceptable and what is not. I'm feeling quite upset and a bit desperate about the whole thing as I don't want our friendship ruined and also, the arrangement works well on all other levels. I'd really appreciate any advise.
thanks

Hi MissTuesday, I can't really give you any specific advice but the one thing I would say is that you need to discuss it. It's kind of hard to do and to bring it up but it's honestly better out in the open. Can you arrange a time - without making too big a thing about it - for you all to get together - invite your friend and the nanny to dinner perhaps? Suggest that it's a good idea for you all to talk about how you think teh arrangement is working. Think quite hard in the lead up as to how you can broach the subject without hurting any feelings. Maybe (I've done this with my nanny) ask first how they think things are going, if they're happy with things etc. You might be "relieved" to find there are other things that aren't quite right for them, which might you all on a bit more of an equal footing iyswim

It is just a phase. The only way to stop this is to keep the other baby out of reach- 16 months is far too young for him to be expected to modify things like hair pulling. I don't mean it's not appropriate to say no and redirect the child to more appropriate play- but its certianly too young for him to understand and then modify his behaviour.

BTW both my boys have always been the ones pushed and pulled around (at that age anyway) so I do know what its like. It is just a phase.

The best approach at this stage is for intervention to occur before the baby pulls- but it is impossible to police 100% and incidences will happen.

thanks for the advice everyone
we are sitting down tonight to have a chat as things kind of came to a head last night when I got home as ds had a very nasty scratch on his face and then other little boy pulled his hair so viciously (while I was there) that he pulled a clump out. Can you imagine how much that hurt!! At that point I got quite upset and just said, enough, we need to talk about this. I'm glad we are talking today though as I'm much calmer. I know I need to be diplomatic and I really hope we can come up with some good strategies.
Thanks again :-)