Violent / Aggressive 6 yo

[stowbeau]

I've an only child aged 6. She has such a volatile temper and I really don't know how to manage it.

Today I've been bitten, kicked, slapped in the face and hit. Then she feels so guilty and upset with herself. She'll write me letters to apologise and asking if I still love her, saying sorry etc.

I feel it's spirally and not getting any better.

I absolutely don't know how to manage it.

I try to remain calm and repeat things like, 'that behaviour is absolutely not acceptable', 'I understand you're angry, it's OK to feel angry, but it is never acceptable to hurt someone'. etc... I give her warnings and say things like, 'I'll give you 3 warnings, I expect you to do xyz, and if that doesn't happen there'll be a consequence... ' but she's unable to calm herself down.

I cannot tell you how much I want to smack her, but I know that I can't be telling her that violence isn't the answer whilst resorting to violence.

I also find it so upsetting how much she hates herself when she loses control in this way.

Has anyone got any suggestions for managing and stopping this behaviour?

Don’t just tell her what she shouldn’t do when she’s angry; you need to give her ideas of things she SHOULD do when she feels overwhelmingly angry. For example, remove herself from the situation, scream as loud as she can into a cushion, punch a bean bag, rip up some paper, pop some bubble wrap etc.... Discuss these alternative options with her when she’s calm, and you might also have to remind her again when she’s ‘in the moment’. Then, give her lots of praise when she makes the right decisions and uses these alternative options rather than taking out her anger on you.

Yes, I should have said, I do all of that.
I always remind her in the moment and praise her when I see she's found an alternative.
But in the moment, it's like she just can't hear me. It just doesn't seem to work.
And then I can tell she feels terrible.

That sounds tough!

Has your DD always behaved like this? Or is it a lockdown related change? Does she respond to rewards or consequences?

From my experiences with my DS (also an only child), I would say that there is no point trying to reason with her once the red mist descends, and no point discussing it with her until she is completely calm afterwards. Concentrate on staying calm, and walk away if it is possible to do so. I would recommend reading 'The Explosive Child' by Dr Ross Greene as he advises different strategies/mindset for our more volatile children. If you don't want to buy the book, check out his 'lives in the balance' website for an overview.

My boy is 10 now, and whilst not always easy (we've not had a great day today, we are finding lockdown hard), is rarely violent, which is a good job as he's the tallest kid in his school!

They say that all behaviour is a form of communication, and horrible as it is being repeatedly attacked by your own child, it is worth bearing that in mind. In my son's case, the violence was anxiety driven and his controlling behaviour his way of trying to impose order on a confusing world. I always found rewards and consequences seemed to make matters worse! I don't punish bad behaviour, other than natural or logical consequences eg kid breaks something -> it stays broken, or DS threatens me with pen knife -> knife gets taken away. I rarely use bribes or rewards because they don't work for us.

That is not to say that I don't hold him accountable, or tell him off. I would suggest making sure your kid gets plenty of exercise if possible, because I think this makes a difference. DS started karate at around your daughter's age and I think it has been useful for self-discipline although early on we nearly had to leave because he kept attacking the instructor! Martial Arts obviously not possible at the moment but maybe something for the future.....

Thank you landofgiants.

That is so helpful. I will definitely read that book. It's difficult to say whether it's just lockdown related, I feel like lockdown has been forever!

I think she is a highly emotional and explosive child by nature. I think I'm the same and part of the emotional complication for me is that I remember the utter shame I felt as a child and have internalised all my life at bad behaviour. I was brought up by a single working mum in very tough circumstances and was a horrible child, and those feelings of guilt and shame led to a lot of self-destruction behaviour and depression and I absolutely don't want my daughter to suffer the same misery.

What i find most difficult in knowing what to do in that moment, when things are getting destroyed, I'm being hurt, how to diffuse it. When I try to walk away she will often hold onto my leg or try to step in the way and then it's difficult to walk away without some physical interaction.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it is so helpful.