Why am I being so horrible to my son?

[Joekate]

Hope someone can help. I have an 8 year old son and a 7 month old daughter and since her arrival I've been very short tempered with my son. He is not a bad kid in any way, but sweet and very kind to his little sister. I hate to say it, but I feel jelous of his relationship with DD. If I'm playing with her, it feels like he has to get in between me and dd so that she smiles at him. I'm beginning to feel like I'm the 8 year old here and not the mature mother! I love him with all my heart, but I can't seem to stop telling him off. Has anyone experienced this or has any advice. I would hate for him to think I don't love him anymore.

Do you get the chance to spend a bit of time every day with just your son?

Maybe in the evening when your DD is asleep?

Perhaps you could read together, or play board games, just to reconnect a bit.

A new baby in the family brings big changes for everyone.

I felt jealous when my dd at 3 weeks smiled at hv... why her!!?!?!

Don't hit yourself over the head with this. Just go back to basics. Think before you start telling him off, recognise the warning signs ie feeling a bit peeved or cross. Then just do something to relieve stress...tidy up or something. Then start asking yourself why you feel that way. I'm a big believer in there being a reason for all feelings. And I'm probably going to be flamed for this...what was your childhood like? What was your mother like with you and sibs, what was your relationship with your sibs? Also try writing down, randomly, all the thoughts in your head associated with your ds/dd and yourself. That often helps to bring out a surprise answer.

Your not a bad person. You are trying to take action over this and that is all good!

I do try to read to him every night, sometimes not possible if DD decides to stay awake and my partner works shifts, but I do try to spend some time with just him - take him to the pictures etc. I tell him I love him every night.

It was strange when he came in to the hospital to see DD for the first time, it was as though he had grown up overnight and I hardly recognised this boy who had been my whole life up until the night before!

Thanks Ally, I won't flame you at all, but I do sound like my mum when I'm getting on to him!! It does bring back memories, and I don't want him to have similar ones. Not that my mum didn't/doesn't love me, but she always said "I love you dearly, but...". She still does it, and I'm 42 now! I shall count to 10 when I feel I'm going to explode, and lets face it, the housework does need to be done!!

LOL at your jealousy - I would be the same!!

I sound like my mother at times. In fact I've just had difficulty with that. My dd was acting up, hitting me in the face, doing things she knows are 'no's' but behaving v well with dh. So I took a step back, let dd come to me and I became v quiet, even voiced, calm, and tried to think before I opened my mouth or gave her a look (looks were a problem in our house...they speak volumes) and over the last 2 days she has started to be affectionate towards me again, doesn't bother to do anything naughty, has not hit me at all today (was 4 to 5 times a day) and has been really quite calm. I slip up at times, i'm only human but its had quite a positive impact on our relationship. Just got to keep it up now and not beat myself up when I do become like my mum...just recognise the fact, work out why, then do my utmost to ensure I don't do it again. Tis hard esp if you are too hard on yourself...tends to have an opposite affect to good and makes me even more like my mother.

You can do it. You know what is wrong, just spend some time thinking how your son, how you would have like to have been treated in a more positive way. Even make a little list out if you are that way inclined to remind you what are your aims...I'm a list person!

"It was strange when he came in to the hospital to see DD for the first time, it was as though he had grown up overnight and I hardly recognised this boy who had been my whole life up until the night before!"

i could have written that! i was very short tempered with ds for a while after i had dd.

i dont know why because he hadn't changed a bit. i was angry about a lot of things...dd cried almost non stop, her dad wasnt around. but more than that, the one thing i remember vividly is that i was furious at myself for loving another child as much as i loved ds. i felt so guilty all of the time and like i'd betrayed ds! ridiculous but how i felt.

and i know that makes no sense whatsoever, i can only really sympathise and say ive been there too

Thanks so much for the replies! It's enough to know that other people feel the same way at times, and I'm not going off my napper! Had a good weekend with DS and I'm trying not to shout or give evil looks (which I know I do sometimes). Hopefully things will get back to normal soon

Sx