Bullying - Strategies to help cope with it, please.

[suedonim]

I'm looking for some advice on helping 11yo dd2 cope with bulling behaviour from a class mate, M, (both girls are in Y7 at a new school) who also lives in our apartment block.

Late last Sunday evening M texted her, demanding that dd returned some computer games, although M didn't offer to return the dvd's dd had loaned her. When dd said she was already in bed M sent several texts threatening reprisals if dd didn't do what M told her. So dh took the games down to M's apartment at 10.35pm and spoke to both M and her father. There was no unpleasantness.

On Monday I discovered from a 100% reliable source that M had a record of bullying in exactly this manner at her junior school and to not be surprised if there were more incidents. I informed the school of the situation, although I fully understand they cannot act over events outside school, but I just wanted them to be aware of what was going on. They seem to be supportive and asked to be kept abreast of matters.

Mon/Tues was ok for dd. M apologised for being mean and asked to be friends again, which dd is not keen to do. Dd has plenty of other friends at school. Today, M has begun what I guess is low level bullying. She sat with a group of girls, making faces at dd and flicking a ruler at dd. M also made a point of handing out party invitations to everyone except dd (not that dd wants to go anyway!).

Dd is being incredibly mature about this and after her initial upset on Sunday is not too phased in that she thinks M is being silly etc. But I am worried it will escalate as obviously M will want dd to rise to the bait. So what next? We are keeping a log of events and I will let school know. Dd hasn't mentioned it to any of her friends although she thinks M has given her version to people, so should she tell her side? How should dd react to this behaviour? What can we do to bring this to an end?

Well done if you've read all this!

Bump

Anyone? Please?

Message withdrawn

Try looking for advice on this website. I got it from Mumsnet (where else), and saved it in case I should ever need it for dd.

www.bullies2buddies.com

There's lots of good advice there. HTH.

Good idea about keeping a diary. I would contact the school asap - you do not want this to go on for too long. It is also worth remembering that sending threatening texts to someone is a criminal offence....worth bearing in mind when you perhaps do talk to the school....may be worth pointing out this fact to M and her parents.

After thinking a bit more: Did M's father not find it odd that your dh was knocking on the door at 10.30 at night to return the computer games?

TBH, think I would have sent dh down to M's flat with your dd's phone so M's father could read the sort of threats his dd was sending out. As it is, M made threats and managed to get both your dd and dh to respond - with no downside for M.

I understand it is tricky as this disagreeable girl lives in your building and is at your dd's school - so impossible to avoid, and you really must tread carefully. M sounds a very unpleasant girl. Is her family the same?

Thanks very much for the replies. I've got to go out now but will answer later.

DS1 has a history of being bullied at school, particularly primary school. He is now in Y9 at secondary and seems to be doing very well socially. However, one or two boys have started on this "low level" bullying and DS1 is at a loss as to how to deal with it.

I have advised him to go on a "charm offensive". Whenever one of the boys says something derogatory, DS1 must say something nice/pleasant back. Whatever they do, he must do something positive in return. Sooner or later, they will have to stop because (a) they are not getting a rise out of him and (b) they will just appear total gits to everyone else.

I think it's rather hard to do at first, but he did say he had a success last week. One boy kept taking his pencil and rubber and dropping them on the floor - nothing particularly horrid, but irritating and designed to get a response. This boy then accidentally dropped some things of his own, which he didn't notice, until DS1 picked them up and handed them to him with a big smile. The boy apparently looked completely non-plussed and only just managed to mumble a "thank you". I've told DS1 to carry on like this as eventually the bullies can't carry on without looking like they are kicking a puppy .

Oh and get DD2 to block M's number on her mobile.

Earlybird, dh told M's father why he was there and also spoke to M when he went to see them.

Karen, we live in Nigeria so UK laws don't apply here unfortunately.

The family has only just moved in so we don't have an opinion about them. The father is a UK expat and goes away a lot. The mother is Nigerian, which may be significant in that Nigerians have a bullying culture, imo.

Apparently, the bullying always takes the form of items being given/lent then demanded back with menaces at short notice. M also likes to feel better than anyone else so likes to put down anyone she views as a rival.

EB, we looked briefly at the site you gave and will study it again tomorrow. It certainly takes a different approach, against received wisdom but otoh, some of it concurs with Freckle's ds's strategy of a charm offensive.

Freckle, we haven't fathomed out how to block numbers on dd's phone but will go into the network shop this w/end and find out how to do it.

Thanks again everyone.

My dd had virtually exactly this. It is very difficult. The girl who was bullying dd was also desperate to be her friend, but dd didn't want to be as the girl was horrible. I don't normally get involved with dds friendships as I think that girls can be nasty one minute and then regret it and be nice, but I refused to have this girl in my house as she was evil. Thankfully this girl is moving away soon but this situation has gone on for 3 years. This girl tries to take my dds friends away from her but my dd is popular and friendly and her friends wont betray her. I must say that, like your dd, my dd took it in her stride and I think that I was more wound up about it than she was.

You'll be glad to see the back of that girl, then, Petetong, even if your dd has coped. My dd is popular as well and hasn't had any problems making friends at her new school. As she herself admits, she'll talk to anyone! I don't really see her as a victim because she seems to understand the process of what this girl is trying to do and now she is over the initial shock thinks it's all a bit pathetic.

Btw, M is the class rep on their school council.

It sounds like she is a very lovely, popular, mature girl. Thankfully they can sometimes see things in a light that we can't and just get on with it. I remember being very worked up about it, but in the long run the bully was unpopular. Our children will win out with their niceness.

Yes, I hope you're right, Petetong. Ikwym about us getting worked up more than our dc, but it's better that way, I reckon! What I wonder is how girls learn how to do all this stuff. I honestly don't think either of mine would have a clue as to how to go abpout being so mean.

Dd had a bit more hassle at school on Thurs. This time M's been whispering to a group of girls while looking over at dd then giggling (in a stupid way, dd says!) and also separating dd from her friends by demanding that the friends sit next to her. Dd does have plenty of other friends and isn't too concerned, although is a bit disappointed in the ones that have gone over to the 'other side'.

I have informed the school and they will take action but I'm not sure when as they go on half term today.

One of the things that DS1 found hard to cope with when he was being bullied at primary was the fact that his friends did nothing to support him and occasionally appeared to be joining in the bullying. I did explain to him that they were doing this in order to avoid becoming the bully/ies' next target.

I'm sure DD2 cannot understand how a "friend" could be swayed by another girl to do these things; being a strong character herself, it is not something she would do and therefore can't understand why someone else would. However, as I said to DS1 (who had himself stood up for his friends in the past), not everyone is as good a friend as he is, nor as strong, and they are not being bad friends, just rather weak.

As long as DD2 has other friends so that she is not isolated, she should carry on either ignoring it all or continuing her charm offensive.

It's horrid to witness as a parent, but not a bad lesson to learn in life.

Dd says her friends are still talking to her so it's not a 'being sent to Coventry situation'. She does understand what is going on and isn't too phased. Of course, being Y7 at a new school, I guess they're all still sizing each other up as to friendships.

Latest news. Dd's form teacher has spoken to M and to dd. The girls apologised to each other even though the teacher told dd she knew she had nothing to be sorry for. She said it just made it easier for M to admit she's been wrong. I hope M has had a shock that school has got involved - dd said M sniffed all through the lesson afterwards as though she was upset.

Dd's friends who 'defected' have come back to her and dd's also geared up to be friendly with M when they go back to school after half term, albeit, not actually friends.

Thanks for your support; I hope I don't ever need to return to this thread!

I'm really glad this had all worked out ok. I would advise your dd to be wary of this child as she may try to creap her way into her group of friends. This has been the way with my dd. Glad that the school had the sense to sort it out early.

Thanks, Petetong. Dd seems to be very aware of what is going on, esp as M has 'form' from her previous school. I'm in awe of her perspicacity - it really is us mums who are blubbing heaps, sometimes! We're lucky to have such switched-on dd's.

I thought I'd come back to update this thread. It seems that M's behaviour has deteriorated to such an extent that she's now on internal suspension at school. From dd's POV, it confirms that it is M who has the problem, not dd. But tbh, I actually feel sorry for M, she's got herself into a sorry situation and it's such a shame.

I think year 7 is always a dodgy adjustment for youngsters its a big change(i too at the moment have ds2 in year 7) and bullying will always happen(trust me I know) you are doing EVERYTHING 100% and your daughter is handling it fantastically ,you should be v proud

Aw, thank you, Dippydeedoo. Despite dd being the youngest of four dc we haven't had to deal with bullying like this before so we felt rather at sea.

We've moved from the UK to Nigeria as well, so dd has had that culture shock to deal with, too. But she was very bouncy coming out of school today so I am now.