12 year old boy - poor behaviour - what can I do?

[cantstopstressing]

DS is 12 , year 8, and has ongoing problems with poor behaviour both at home and at school. He has always found it difficult to behave and so we had him assessed for ASD and ADHD a few years ago and he wasn't found to have either. He moved to an independent school in year 7 and is doing well academically but his behaviour is still challenging both at school and at home. He has been excluded twice for poor behaviour including for wearing his earphones in lesson and arguing back with a teacher, and on another occasion for calling a friend "gay" as a joke and for playfighting. He hasn't done anything truly awful (yet) but is constantly getting into trouble and has several detentions a week. He has a very close group of friends at school and seems to do silly things to get their attention and stay popular.

At home, he can also be very difficult. His table manners are awful and I've given up trying to get him to read as he is basically glued to his PS4 or netflix from the minute he gets home. It's a battle to get him to go to bed on time and a battle to get him up in the morning and leaving for school on time (he has started being late at least once a week). He also play fights with his younger brother, annoys him constantly and is very loud and heavy on his feet (despite being very slim and wiry) and the constant level of noise is very wearing. He does have a number of sports he loves to do but most of those have stopped during Covid which has had a negative impact as he has so much energy that needs to get burnt off! Now he is getting older, he is also trying to spend more time with friends and has started leaving our local area to meet with friends. He is always in touch when he goes out and home around when he says he will be but I fear I am losing oversight of what he is up to and he is very silly and easily influenced so I worry about what he might get up to.

I fear that things at school are on a downward spiral so am looking to try to get him help (therapy) of some kind but am not sure what. School suggested a reassessment for ADHD but I spoke to a psychologist he was seeing for a few months and he thinks it's not necessary and that the best option would be to resume counselling. He was having counselling at school but apparently no progress has been made as he won't open up to the counsellor.

He can be a lovely sweet boy but I really fear for his safety and mental health and want to know how to help him. His dad and I are divorced and I do 99% of the parenting which is challenging although he does see his dad 1 day per week and they have an ok relationship.

Grateful for any advice.

I'm really not sure on this one. It might be worth asking MNHQ to move this over to Preteens to see if you get any more responses

He sounds like my adhd son. If school are suggesting another assessment I’d go somewhere new and have him reassessed. If he comes back negative again independently then you’ll know for sure

Medication and adhd specific parenting techniques have improved my sons life. If your son does have adhd counselling won’t help. Check out adhddude.com I find him excellent

Thank you both.

Mamabear, even if he does have ADHD I really don't think I would medicate him. Does counselling not help at all?

Hello, you mention he is at an independent school, might there be an option for him to board - Eve a few nights a week-there? He has a good! group of friends you mention, loves sport ( where he’d still be able to play with other pupils if in his bubbleafter classes?. The structure of the day ( dedicated times for prep, meals, getting up/ going to bed plus being surrounded by his peers may benefit him hugely. In addition you’ll prob find his relationship with you improves.

Selly24, no, they don't offer boarding and I would fear that I would lose the connection with have and any influence I have over him if he did board so don't think it's an option generally. Thanks anyway though.

Firstly, this sounds a lot like our DD. Constantly grumpy, too much screen time and that's difficult to deal with, incommunicative, sullen, argumentative, reluctant to have showers, difficult to get to go to bed and almost impossible to get out of bed (she's late for school more often than not).

If you've been told ADHD isn't the issue, be happy to accept that. Putting your kid through assessment after assessment till someone tells you what yoibthinknyouznwant to hear won't fix your kid. I know from personal experience how damaging over diagnosis can be.

Although boarding isn't an option at your current school, don't discount it. It's not for every kid, but some thrive on it. (I've seen both experiences in my close family ) I heard Dawn French talking about the positives the other day, like learning independence.and kids frequently respect a teacher's authority more than their parents.

Another possibility is as simple as puberty. And we all just have to ride that one out. We all know hormones can be crap to live with.

Is it also worth considering how happy the home environment is? I can see how the other frictions in our house could be having a very negative effect on DD's behaviour. (Of course you may have the best marriage in the world - we have no way of knowing. It's just a thought.)

I do find myself wondering whether horrible kids can turn into nice adults. I hope so.

Hi I‘ve re read your post. One thing that stuck out was this....

Now he is getting older, he is also trying to spend more time with friends and has started leaving our local area to meet with friends. He is always in touch when he goes out and home around when he says he will be but I fear I am losing oversight of what he is up to and he is very silly and easily influenced so I worry about what he might get up to.

Adolescence is a time to be moving away from constant parental oversight, and increasing time spent with peers - it’s healthy and normal and it though the possible pitfalls seem scary, you have evidence that your son has responded well to the boundaries you set around his growing independence (being in touch and being in the correct place at agreed times etc). He WILL make silly mistakes, let you down and undertake risky/ silly behaviour- and that’s kind of the point. It’s essential to help him grow from a child into an adult.

What you are able to control is the context in which this behaviour takes place. Although you Sau boarding isn’t a practical or preference if your could you look at him staying in school for prep / sports / extending his day? That structure and increased peer contact may just be what he craves. The negetive behaviour you mention is pretty low level avd I would have thought some ‘ time in’ with a sensitive personal tutor at school ( what’s the pastoral set up at his school) would have been enough to ‘nip thus kind of behaviour in the bud’.
Is the atmosphere positive, free, creative and encouraging enough ( valuing accepting each individual realistically) to motivate your son to want to be there/ stick by the rules?